The Invisible Woman Chronicles

 Here we are at Thursday.  Oh well.  I'll make the best out of it. Yesterday, I felt wracked with anxiety over something I was working on and kept checking to see if it got accepted. It was still pending. I will lose my ever loving mind if I get another rejection.  This is a new area for me and I'm not really sure if I'm doing well at it.  The person that put this work out?  I don't know if she'll be pissed off if it gets rejected.  I've had a couple of incidents that got questioned and maybe she wasn't mad but in this new world, I just assume everyone is annoyed with me.  That's how anxiety works in this brain. I was annoyed too about the diva complaining about her training.  I spent so much time and have still offered my time.  She wants everything written down for her step by step and wants her hand held.  Just spoiled. Frack had reached out to me and asked if I would be able to help their group out while Frick was out.  Her...

 Well the DMV turned out to be easy.  My mom got to keep her old license.  Well it won't expire until next week but I thought after we left, maybe it's a good thing to have ID like that.  The clerk at the DMV asked about Real IDs and she said she wouldn't be traveling.  We talked about maybe we need one if there's voting issues come November.  It was good information.  Things went better. I didn't get my dental impressions for my upper teeth done correctly.  Damn.  They will send me two more packets of puddy to use and after that, they will issue me a refund. I was so disappointed I didn't get it right on the second try. I looked at other companies to see what they would charge and if their ratings were good.  There are other choices. I just really want this to work the next time I get a packet in the mail.  I was hoping I would have been able to drop it off in the mail yesterday but that wasn't the case. I thought my head was going...

 I was up at 3 and maybe fell asleep for like 30 minutes before I got up at 5:20.  What a bad night. Not sure what was making me anxious.  Maybe the month of April and a bit of sciatica.  I got to find something that helps with that.  Stupid damp weather. I got to take my mom to the DMV.  Even though it's not for me, it still makes me anxious because I got to figure out what we're doing.  I got to admit.  I'm having a harder time realizing she's giving up her license.  She hasn't driven in over 15 years and she's good with it.  She didn't learn until her early 30s because you could take the bus every where.  She never really liked it and she got anxious about it at times with traffic.  I totally get it.   I got a message back from the dental people that my lower impression looked good. I need to re-take the upper impression.  Damn it.  I got 1 right so that was good and hopefully after I submitted the new pi...

I'm hoping my mom is doing better and gets up soon.  I know her doctor's office will call and might have some suggestions.  I think my suggestion on food choices might have been working out better.  I'm not sure.  No diss to her doctor. I liked him when he did the call with her.  I had a hard time understanding him but I think he's a decent doctor.  I think for her situation, we needed to change direction a little bit.   I felt depressed last night.  I was trying to look for activities for me to go do something and make friends.  It made me feel pathetic at my age.  I went through so many times where I thought I had genuine friends and well, it didn't work out.  No, the Cassie thing doesn't haunt me.  It makes me feel stupid.  I hate revisiting stuff like that.  I didn't think of her last night.  There was someone else that I thought was a true friend and I stuck up for this friend when we worked together....

Kind of worried this morning when I saw my mom's test results.  They were ok but then I wondered what was happening that she was having issues?  She kind of got depressed when I told her.  We thought if she had something it would explain things.  She seems to be better and I looked up some type of ideas for food that might help.  Knock on wood.  It's been a better day for her.  I'll take that.  She worried about getting like someone we knew that she was getting that way.  Well that person let themselves wither and was kind of ignored.  Lucky for her, she's got me to annoy the daylights out of her.  She did shake her fist at me today to get out of my room so she could vacuum.  Good signs.  I need them badly. Yeah. I watched the news last night and today.  Sigh.  Our world is a lot.  I think if some things were different, my mom wouldn't have been standing in line at a food pantry.  We would have slept be...

 I got my dental kit today to make my impressions for my mouth guard.  I think I pulled out the wrong tray for one of them.  I'll find out and I can do it over with the spare putty.  I was freaked out about the time but once I did it, I thought maybe this will work. It's a little scary for me to make any purchase lately that's kind of significant. I set it up through Klarna.  I watched the instructional videos and a You Tube video to help me understand it better.  I did it on my own whether they think I have to take an impression over or not. I did it.  I can do it again if I have to do it. I hate that I'm a teeth grinder.  I was mocked after a slumber party after I kept the other girls up.  Never got an invite and never wanted to get invited.  No thanks.  I always worried I was going to wind up being pranked because I seemed to be a good target for kids.   I considered maybe going back to the dentist. I have that emergenc...

This morning I got to take mom to drop off her lab stuff.  Unfortunately she doesn't seem to get the memo that the lab closes at noon and she should wake up. I told her to wake up a half hour ago and she said ok.  She's sleeping. I get it. I was supposed to get up at 6 and I went back to sleep until 7.  I'll wait a few more minutes before I try again. I thought I could renew her license and change it to an ID.  We were supposed to go on Monday afternoon but she changed her mind about going. I just thought I could have done it online so I didn't push it. I was the one that said we could do it online. I guess if you're switching over to an ID then you can't.  I think they want your license.  My mom will gladly throw it back at them.  She didn't learn to drive until her early 30s and she's never been a fan.  Never did freeway driving.  When we moved here, she maybe drove once and then it seemed like I took over.  It wasn't like No, you can'...

I had a weird bump under my arm that formed when I cut my under arm shaving one day.  It didn't seem to heal and I thought maybe I had an infected hair follicle trapped.  It kind of burned and it was where I had lymph nodes taken out.   As a kid, I broke out a lot in my underarms and it was disgusting. Sometimes it was cysts and I wondered if it was that.  Years later, I had to deal with an ugly boil on my upper thigh that took a long time to heal and then an infected cyst on my upper chest near my neck.  What is that called?  Decolletage?  Took me a few rounds of antibiotics to heal that nightmare up.  So yeah, that's where my thinking went.  Weird skin thing. It got suggested that I have another doctor do a test to take a closer look.  Ok.  Made sense.  I definitely didn't want anyone pulling out any blades and cutting me if we didn't know. I had enough of that the year before, thank you very much. So after I did the tes...

I didn't think I'd wind up this angry this week but surprise surprise and it's not even at anyone in my daily life. My mom seems to be having some side effects from the pills she got from the hospital so we were able to make a virtual visit on the spot.  That was really cool and I was really glad to see her doctor.  We drove to get lab work so they could take a look and the lab dude said we had to make an appointment after 5.  We couldn't walk in.  My mom said we have to go because there's a big crowd and walked out.  There was nobody there.  I asked the guy so if I came during the day, we wouldn't need an appointment?  He said yes. I thought I'll just take an extended lunch.  No problem there.  Good doctor.  Stupid lab guy.  Whatever. I was trying to look online to make a lab appointment just in case but there was nothing there. I said we'll take our chances and go in before lunch time.  I get plenty of time and I can sign in ...

 I had to laugh at my 3 bottles of Flonase sitting on my dresser after reading the review last night about treating it for anxiety. I do have allergies. I do have anxiety.  I just didn't think I need to snort nasal spray to calm down.  Who knew? I looked it up, Flonase can cause anxiety.  Cool.  Makes sense. The other thing that didn't sit well with me was that I got asked if there's anything new in my family history.  Fair enough question. Then came the added unnecessary comment Because you got a long list for your family history. What the _____?  It was said in an asshole tone when I think about it.  Kind of surprised me and I said no.   Who doesn't have family history?  He made me feel like I came across as someone from a family of diseased pathetic losers.  Did he become a Trump supporter in the last year?  It was just all so strange to me until I read reviews that there was some negative reviews in the last year....

 I was doing ok until I got a call around 11.  It was from the Sleep Clinic. Wait?  What?  Sleep clinic?  What happened there?  How did they get my number??? Ohhhh, referral. I didn't realize I was getting signed up for a sleep study.  That never got explained to me.  At. All. Now I am mad.  I was nice to the woman on the phone who was ready to sign me up for an appointment and more medical bills. I said I'll have to get back to you about my schedule.  Lose my number please.  I'll screen it next time. I guess I overlooked some things and now this just did it.  I'm done.  If I need a prescription refilled this year, I'll be making an appointment.  Elsewhere.   I told my mom about the prostate cancer comment and she said did he apologize?  Not at all.  She laughed but thought shouldn't he be embarrassed especially in front of a student?  You would think, wouldn't you but nah, he thought it was f...

 I think I feel a little bit better this week.  Well definitely better than I did on Monday.  Still shocked to find out I had prostate cancer.  How come I didn't know? I am not mad that comment was mad.  I was kind of puzzled I didn't get an I'm sorry, just made more jokes and made the situation weirder.  I thought after his medical assistant told me that change is hard, I realized well, maybe it's my time. I miss my first doctor with Columbia.  She was about my age, had a daughter, divorced, had weight issues and had breast cancer.  She wound up leaving and going to work with an urgent care facility through Aurora.  I could talk to her about anything.  I couldn't with the second and apparently the third thinks I have a prostate.  Yeah.  I think I need someone that was like my first who might understand more.  I could even talk to her about work problems and she could relate how there's one that has to get on your nerves...

It wasn't a bad day.  No sightings of a lurker so that helps.  I spent my day kind of pondering my medical. First up, I finally ordered a mouth guard.  I did some homework and found a company that seemed to be best and the payments work out for me.  I could pay it all up front but considering how things are at the moment, I thought it was best to do my K Mart lay away plan payments.  I used Klarna. If I have better weeks, I'll pay more.  I need it and I need it like yesterday. I probably have had this mouth guard three times longer than I should have.  I can't afford to pay $600 or $700 at  the moment especially when I'm in credit card jail.  I looked at some companies online to see what was best over the last few months and this company fared better in their reviews.   I was told yesterday I might have sleep apena.  I don't know and I can't afford to go see someone right now and get a cpap machine.  I think I've only woke...

Today is my Monday and no, not looking forward to it.  Hopefully there's no lurker incidents to report.  Give me a few days with it, lurker, please?  Sigh.  I think the Thinker is off so it'll be a quiet day for me not to share my annoyances.  It's ok.  The cat will talk to me.   What a weird day it was yesterday.  My mom laughed when I told her that it was mentioned it's been 11 years since I had prostate cancer. I know people misspeak.  I felt kind of stupid but I didn't take offense.  Someone else might have reported it, but I misspeak too.  It felt weird having it asked like that in front of a student, but I thought eh, we're all human.  I thought maybe this is a sign for change.  I don't know.  For the time being it was a good fit.  With me not having an oncologist, I might need a female voice moving forward when it comes to health issues.  I have one male doctor who's freaking awesome.  It's ...

Someone said to me this morning, you know change can be hard.  After this morning, I may make a change in the next year and it may not be so hard.  It may be very warranted. It wasn't that bad.  I felt like something was out of sync.  I felt like some comments maybe didn't sit well with me.  I wasn't fat shamed.  I felt like there was a disconnect when it came to the money issue.  I felt like something was off.  I'm not mad, not at all but kind of not ok.  When I walked out, I thought maybe it is time for a change.     I had also mentioned the accident that happened almost 2 years ago.  I was thinking it should be on record in the event that this doesn't help my anxiety.  I didn't seek medical treatment at the time and I thought it should be mentioned.  I had only mentioned it to my oncologist. I felt like it got blown up and turned into something it really shouldn't be.  I took the information and said ok....

 Have you ever been around that person that always knew how to make you feel small but with a small on their face?  I'm afraid that's what I'm facing shortly and I feel kind of tearful about it. It hasn't always been that way but lately I have been getting these comments that have raised an eyebrow and made me wonder, What was meant by that?   Yeah.  The weight thing comes to mind and my health.  I have been sitting here teary eyed and feeling ashamed about my appointment tomorrow. I didn't eat much, really haven't the last couple of weeks. I will get a kind reminder even if in my head it sounds like the worse thing possible.  It's because I have people rooting against me and I can hear the cheers in my head when I have a setback. Stupid people.  I should charge them an exorbitant amount of money for the rent that they're using in my head.  I'd have my bills paid off and live in a better neighborhood. I just don't look forward to tomorrow and...

It's easy for me to say walk away from a situation.  Sometimes you're stuck.  There's a lot of toxic people in our lives that drag us down and you want to run for the hills but you can't.  It may involve changing jobs and sometimes you walk into a job that has more toxic people.  Sometimes you leave a relationship and find someone even more crazier than the one you left.  It's not easy.  It feels liberating when you can be free of a situation but getting out of it or leaving it?  Not so easy.  It took covid for me to be free of people who were spoiled, petty and rude.  It doesn't mean my daily life doesn't have a bit of that. I did speak about the lurker and their involvement. I felt frustrated at times when I listened to some reasoning as to why things were done the way they were but I got asked my thoughts as to how I see the situation.  I said there's a history.  There's a pattern and after the last 2 weeks, all I want to say to ...

Yeah, one person has me out of sorts today.  I'm taking on more emotional energy than I need to do in this situation.  Ever been around someone that throws you off balance?  Yeah.  This person does it. I won't even go by their nickname because I think anyone that has read past posts would see who this person is.  Well they hide behind a screen anyway so let's give them the shield they want around them. Somehow I feel the situation will go back on me and I hate that.  It's because this ghost that hides and does things will manipulate the situation.  The ghost did send me something back and I replied with a receipt asking why did this happen?  What do I do?  I didn't make accusations.  I asked for clarity. I asked for someone to help me understand or give me direction. I hope what I said didn't come across as petty or angry.  I'm not petty, but I am angry.   I'm angry that I can't go about my day in peace.  If I leave y...

I was without the internet all morning yesterday.  Can't say it was the worst thing in the world but when you already were out 2 days, you know things are going to pile up. They did.  I think another person is mad at me for being behind.  Add more to the list.  Sigh. I ended my day when I realized that the lurker was involved in another incident on something I worked on. I thought maybe this file had closed out but I had gotten asked a question in an email and when I looked, I saw that I had something open but it got abandoned and there were kind of mean notes put in there.  The lurker was working on rescheduling something. I forward it to the individual. I don't think I can take much more of the deception.  It may mean a move for me in the future but how long does it take before something breaks you?  I'm tired of the excuses being made for this individual. I'm overloaded.    If you have someone in your life like this and you can walk away, ...

 I found a new route for walking.  I wasn't sure what I was going to do this morning.  I did want to get more postcard stamps and I didn't want to drive to Shorewood.  I couldn't find them at West Milwaukee and I knew my neighborhood would flip me off.  I took a drive to Bay View this morning and went to their post office.  This would make me boring as F if I told a co worker what I did this morning. They wouldn't be wrong. I knew my mom had her doctor appointment but I wanted to get some type of walk in this morning.  I parked my car near the offices where the Democratic Party of Milwaukee is located in Bay View and walked.  I walked along Superior and then crossed the street to get another view of the city and the lake.  It was really beautiful.  I think with gas prices being bad, I may change my routine up a bit.  I don't put on as many miles to Bay View as I do for the east side. It really doesn't matter to much with me because ...

 It's not from what happened with my mom last weekend.  I just about had it with the group that I spend my days with that I feel exhausted.  I have today and Monday off.  I just don't know what to do anymore. Yesterday, I spent an hour listening to Regina go on about her work, how she is the most important person in the group and all of her responsibilities have changed.  I could go walk around the block, come back and she would still be talking because she never takes a breath.  I resent it because I've been in the position where I've asked this group for help and have heard nothing.  I feel like I'm going to have the mafia after me if I don't. I did help her area when she was out for the day. I know what she's doing.  She's hoping that she messes it up and complains so much that she'll get her old area back that nobody could touch.  Regina has been the most useless person in our group.  Unless it's to help the lurker, everyone else can...

 Mom has been home a day now.  I got her out yesterday.  I wasn't sure if it was possible.  She had a low grade fever and then something happened with her IV.  Her doctor came in before 2 and told her that she was good to go.  I was tearful when I thought she wouldn't be able to come home.  I was happy to come get her and I didn't care I had to wait 2 hours with her.  I had my mom. We never really do much of anything on the holiday but we have each other.  I saw my future on Sunday.  I know that there will be a day that it's just me and you know?  It sucks.  I don't know how to fix it.  There have been people who have come and gone.  Mostly gone.   I think Cassie thought she was my emergency contact when life fell apart.  No, I thought she was a friend. I was never invited over to her home so what did I expect?  Even Corinne had her Easter dinner and everything.  I knew she knew about lonely h...

It's my hope that mom will be home today.  I am preparing myself in case that's, well, not the case.  She seemed to be doing a lot better.  I talked to her for an hour and a half last night before I went to bed.  I came over in the afternoon for an hour and a half to see how she was.  She was able to get up and get to the bathroom ok.  This morning she'll get a chest x-ray.  I'm not sure if it's morning but I think she hopes it's soon.  I do too.   I thought I was ok and when I sat with Precious on my mom's bed, I cried. I have spent a few holidays alone when she lived with my grandmother or when my parents would go up north to see my grandmother when she was alive.   I had nobody to talk to.  I had Corinne message me a bit.  I did what I could for the house.  She normally takes care of the dishes which I hate but I did it.  I took care of the laundry, made sure Precious was fed and snuggled.  I watched...

My mom is in the hospital with pneumonia.  The doctor that talked to us today said she was on the verge of starting it so it was good she came in.  He was going to end her fluids and see how she was doing.  He said if her chest x ray looked good then she could be released on Monday.     I'm not sure who the other woman was but she was taking some type of blood cultures and I guess she has a staph infection. I didn't catch all of it but she talked about possibly a home care worker giving her oxygen at home or going to assisted living if need be.   I know they have to say the worst but it's scary to hear the worst. It finally took me until now to start crying.  I can't stop crying.  I'm so sad. 

I should have went to urgent care Saturday morning.  Now my mom has a cold.  She swears it's from standing in line at the food pantry on Wednesday.  No.  It was me.  I've been hacking all week with my cough so sooner or later it would have affected her.  Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference if I went on Saturday or Tuesday.  It just sucks.  I do feel responsible. I hesitated on leaving for a hair cut. I thought am I going to start choking during the appointment? I was fine for the most part.  Just a couple of moments that I covered with the water I requested.  I swear I was on the verge of cancelling it when I had trouble with the parking meter.  I hate that they stopped doing weekend appointments.  It didn't bother me that I paid $2 for parking.  It pissed me off that I couldn't get my debit card in.  I realized the first meter was broke and I had to pull up to another one to do it.  It's not easy when it's ...

Kind of a quieter week with people being out due to spring break, the holiday, all that good stuff.  Nice to catch up on some things.  I don't miss the keeping up with the joneses moments I'd have to hear.  Oh boo hoo, I don't know if I have the right shoes for London.  Sigh.  I can relate. I thought I'm such a grouchy bitch when I think about those things.  You are an unhappy person I told myself.   Do I want to do the things that people do?  Not really. I don't know what it is. I think of Cassie telling someone that I'm an unhappy person after she got promoted.  That stung because I thought is she right?  Maybe.  I don't know.  I'm not a saint. I look at her life.  She traveled around the country to follow the Grateful Dead when she was in her 20s.  When she got married, she stayed home with her girls until they were in school for awhile and she got her paralegal certificate from MATC.  Then she got a job ...

I should have cancelled my appointment for today. I am doing much better but I have a feeling I'll have a sneak attack come up on me and I'll probably piss a student off.   My mom got the air purifier out last night and that seemed to help.  That and maybe drinking a little extra cough medicine. I had forgotten about it and started taking it last night and this morning.  It seems a lot looser and not as annoying.  I know how the pop up attacks can occur when you don't want it to and it sucks. I talked to someone yesterday and I was fine.  Then I talked to someone about an IT issue and I started with the hacking.  I am so hoping for cooler air at the school and lots of water to drink to help me out here. I'm on the mend, people.  I'm trying. Next time?  Just straight to urgent care.  I'm not the type to say Oh, I can tough it out.  No, I want the antibiotics damn it. I believe in medicine.  Yeah, I'm sick of the I'll do my resea...

Yeah, no such thing as a 24 hour sinus infection.  More like 24 days that feels like 24 months.  I saw someone yesterday to get on antibiotics.  I had them before.  Always seemed like they ran out too fast but if they can help ease me along for the next week, I'll take it. It was really quiet when I went into the clinic yesterday.  Guessing a lot of doctors are out on spring break so I wound up seeing a physician's assistant which is fine with me.  I don't stray from my doctors but if I need something like that, I got to go with whoever will take me. I probably should have went to the urgent care we have in the area on Saturday but I thought this might be a weird fluke and I'm on the mend.  Every time I kept thinking I was ok I'd have a coughing fit.  I definitely don't recommend this diet.  At least I'm not gaining weight.  Been living on fruit bars, pretty much. I usually regret it when I try something like a slice of cheese. I probabl...