Monday Calm

I'm hoping my mom is doing better and gets up soon.  I know her doctor's office will call and might have some suggestions.  I think my suggestion on food choices might have been working out better.  I'm not sure.  No diss to her doctor. I liked him when he did the call with her.  I had a hard time understanding him but I think he's a decent doctor.  I think for her situation, we needed to change direction a little bit.  

I felt depressed last night.  I was trying to look for activities for me to go do something and make friends.  It made me feel pathetic at my age.  I went through so many times where I thought I had genuine friends and well, it didn't work out.  No, the Cassie thing doesn't haunt me.  It makes me feel stupid.  I hate revisiting stuff like that.  I didn't think of her last night.  There was someone else that I thought was a true friend and I stuck up for this friend when we worked together.  She didn't want to be bothered by people so here we are.  

I am aware of how invisible you feel at my age and just being me.  I understood my mom's frustrations about getting older.  I said I had that painful reminder on Monday.  I'm aware of it.  It doesn't bother me I let my hair go grey.  I know I'm never going to have this bikini body and I'm ok with it.  I want to be healthy and feel loved.  I felt like I was just pathetic last week.  Loser.  It wasn't said but it sure felt that way from the vibe.  I was failing at life and I got a few referrals for it.  

I want the third part of my life to be nicer and calmer.  I would like to have a friend that I can be there for and where things are equal. I think anything I had I felt like I had to be the one that did all the asking or calling.  It wasn't ok. 

I think my next challenge is working up the nerve to try something different.  I'm kind of anxious for when my company leaves so I can go to one of the libraries and look and see what they have.  Maybe there's a political thing I can do with another person like knock doors.  Knocking on doors before an election is scary, especially in these times.  With another person?  It might not feel so bad. I know there were a few times I had a buddy with me and it was ok.  I actually had a group of people from Chicago that door knocked with me on the east side and it was kind of fun.  

I may hear from Frick or Frack about training on their sites.  I hope they keep the attitude to themselves and don't start with me.  I hope they don't want to do the training tomorrow afternoon because I got to get mom to the DMV and get this ID card straightened out.  I wish they would have let me do it online.  She just needs an ID, not a real one, just one to vote.  Damn them.

It's just not easy.

I hope the good humans have a good day. 

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