The Invisible Woman Chronicles

 I'll have actually three weeks where I only work 3 days. I can do that.  Dread seeing my emails today but hey, got a three day work week! Note to self.  If I have an issue with my weight not budging, I'm keeping it to myself.  No offense to my mom, I understand her intention.  I'm not ok with her discussing it with my cousin. I felt guilty for feeling angry when I listened to her talk.  I didn't say a word when she told what my cousin had suggested that I should do and explained that sugar is a carbohydrate.  Noooooo, you don't say?  I am not sitting her with a big cake eating it all day.  I just can't with people and their suggestions.  I thought I should show my cousin grace for the health troubles she's had but she has had a tendency to be a know it all and that we should all do what she says.  Glad my cousin is doing better with her health but I don't need anyone commenting on how much I weigh.  Almost makes me think the g...

 I thought it was supposed to be cooler this summer.  This week will prove me wrong.  BOOO! My mom is talking to my cousin about my weight loss problems. I honestly want to scream when I hear that.  Not her fault.  That's her whole side of the family and their obsession with everyone's weight and dieting.  I don't want to hear it.  I'll scream.  My aunt still tried to give me dieting advice after I dropped 35 pounds years ago and I felt good about myself at the time.  Still wasn't good enough for them I guess. I had to open my mouth and admit I had a bad week.  It wasn't a bad thing but I seem to be at a plateau.  Days like this make me wish that Cassie would get diarrhea from her ozempic.  I know.  That's terrible.  When you spend the time drinking your water, trying to limit the bad stuff and get the healthier stuff plus the exercise, it just sucks.  It's like do I have to get another sinus infection for anothe...

I had a weird dream about my step dad the other night. He was with my mom and Charlotte.  He had grabbed Charlotte by the arm and sat her down. I was horrified he did that even though she was fine and coloring in her coloring book.  He was making my mom count out the money she made and when he stormed off, I said we can leave him.  She said he'll go away. Well.  He did.  I realized that when I woke up.  I wouldn't tell my mom or she'd go off on a three hour dialogue about the things he did.  Yes.  There was a lot of bad but it wasn't some horror show either.  He had zero patience and that can be unnerving when you're a kid. It has transferred over to adulthood.  I get beyond nervous like the world is going to end.  I hate that.  Today, I came in the alley a different way, thinking that Jeremy went to work on a Saturday.  He didn't.  Byron had his white van parked and my opening wasn't that great to get into my side of...

 I don't know if I would call this an impure thought.  It's a thought and I dislike when I drift off on those thoughts.   I had thought about my crush, Jerry the dry cleaner the other day.  I wished that Jerry didn't have a Mr. Jerry and I wished that I could spend time with him outside of his work environment. I get it.  Ethics, dry cleaner code.  I'm not talking about doing anything hot and heavy.  It's just this life I've had has been long and lonely and I have the feeling sometimes that he would be a really good friend.  A kind soul.   I can't always find another dry cleaner.  I don't come across too many good humans. Yeah.  I'm a slut pig for thinking that.  I'll go back to thinking about the mystery running man who ran past me two weekends in a row.  When he's coming back? Wishful thinking can really suck somedays.  

It's only Thursday but it's my Friday and I love it.  I'll have a little more time off in the next month and it's so badly needed.  I don't have wild plans.  I never do but I'm so happy to have the time.   I'll probably do the usual in the morning.  Go to the east side and walk my hill, enjoy the sun or whatever it's doing.  Maybe even get a Starbucks from the gift card I got from the stomper.  I got to take mom to the doctor and she's doing better "knock on wood" so I don't have a wild day off, but I plan on having a better day. I think I will have to take a look at maybe taking a half day off in August. I requested one day but I do have another stretch between late July to late August. I don't want to go mad like I have this last month so maybe a tiny afternoon break might help me.  I'll figure it out. I was hoping to see my niece and Charlotte this summer and that sucks they can't come.  I can make the best out of my summ...

I am so looking forward to having off on Friday and Monday.  I mean, mom going to the doctor always makes me nervous but I think she's doing ok.  I just need a break mentally. Yesterday didn't turn out as bad as I thought but I had a couple of incidents that just embarrassed me.  One wasn't so bad.  The person thought I didn't do something and in actuality, they weren't paying attention.  Sometimes in my daily life, I feel like I'm the scape goat for when something goes wrong when I know that's not the case but I accept it.  I think the person realized that and it kind of threw me off but eh, that wasn't so bad. The next thing was bad.  Someone got asked about how our group handles things and someone chimed in about something small.  It's important but in the grande scheme of things, this person made it out to be a lot bigger and I thought well we all know who handles that.  That would be me.  I admitted it and I got asked more questions...

 I got bad news yesterday.  The Thinker will be leaving in another week.  I congratulated her and got depressed. This was the only person I could kind of talk to at times.  I may not have always agreed but at least it was someone who was on the same wave length and had some work ethic. That's not the same for the rest.  I know I'll be the one paying for it.  The Thinker covered one of my old areas and it's a difficult area where I made a mistake and got a big write up for it.  The difference between the Thinker and myself is that I covered two areas.  They had to have someone else because they realized it was too much for me.  I have a feeling I'll lose my current area and get pulled back. I really wish people would keep my name out of their mouths.  The thinker even mentioned that I had covered that area hurt me. I was hoping that I would have been moved to one of our new areas for coverage and learning.  No.  I keep getting p...

My mom offered to buy me a pair of capri pants from Kohl's.  My usual stretch ones.  She asked if I would prefer shorts.  I would prefer to not feel awkward in shorts and I passed.  I do wear shorts in the summer but I kind of hope the weather doesn't get hot because I do feel the awkward fat kid in gym class when I wear them.   My goal for next summer?  It's not to fit in a certain size.  It's to be a size that makes me feel less awkward.  I would love to be able to wear a nice pair of cargo shorts and be able to wear the Obama t-shirt that's too small for me. I hated hearing the conversations at work about women talking about fitting into their bikini or swimsuit.  Crash diets or workouts with their trainer.  Lamenting about how having kids ruined their figure.  I was already ahead of that curve with my love of fast food. Damaged because you had kids?  How shallow.  I feel like I'm shallow because I feel damaged fro...

I'm not so much in my feels.  I'm back to the Sunday scaries.  The last few days just felt heavy on me. I have a 4 day weekend coming up Friday and I'm off on Monday.  I so badly need that.  I hate that last week where I had to take a little something for anxiety.  It pisses me off when people like the diva makes me take medication.   In a way, I'm wondering if this might prompt me to pick a doctor or new primary towards the end of the year if my anxiety gets too bad this year.  I'm going to change the first of next year but it's ok if I got to do it sooner.   I don't miss my oncologist because that means something bad.  However,  I miss her kindness and it isn't that anyone else I deal with is awful, quite the opposite but for a primary, I would like someone who will treat me with kindness and not like a joke.   I didn't think much of father's day.  Do I miss my dad?  Yeah. I do.  There was a lot of ba...

When I finished watching the special they had on the new Obama library, I went to bed and felt a little bit like crying.  I felt kind of joyful watching the footage of the library opening and I loved hearing all about the library.  I would love to see it. I know I won't ever get to see it in my lifetime.  I really loved seeing it on TV. I am just kind of grieving life lately.  It doesn't help when we have someone with dementia and cruelty in the White House.  It's a lot. I wasn't excelling at life and I don't need to struggle anymore and yet here we are. It's a lot of things.  It's thinking about how I wish my life would have turned out.  I wish I would have focused on meeting someone here in Milwaukee instead of chasing rainbows.  Still don't regret my dare to be great moment.  I wish I would there was someone I would have met here. People forget you when you don't make your match like that.  I just feel so invisible lately and yet I do...

 In the movie, The Sure Thing, Lloyd Dobler was looking for his dare to be great moment and that was asking out Diane Court.  My dare to be great moment was traveling to San Diego to meet the potential love of my life. There is a difference between movie and real life of course.  I'm not here to go on about dumb Harold.  It's been established what a massive asshole he turned out to be.  It was the moment for me to do something different and do something not a lot of people would do at the time.   I know I've mentioned this before, but before this whole meeting someone online happened, I was at a crossroads about my life.  I was 33 years old and 34 was peeking around the corner.  It felt like I had a window of time and people were writing me off as it was.  Oh, yeah, must feel good to be free of kids.  It's probably nice for you to be alone and without a husband.  Maybe you can join a craft club to meet other women like you....

 This week's theme?  Don't speak for me.  Keep my name out of your mouth. Ok.  If you are sticking up for me and I know your heart is in the right place?  Thank you for looking out for me.   The situations I encountered this week were not altruistic efforts.  It was another case of performance art.   First it was the vaper who asked me if anyone helps me with my area.  Honestly I wanted to say how much pot are you smoking during the day?  You know that answer.  Thanks for putting the spotlight on me.  She offered her help and she still has a task she took from me unfinished.  I'm not helping her.  She offered in front of others.  Deal with it.  The era of grace and making excuses with the vaper is done. It gets worse.  Our new person, the one who took over for the stomper threw out some ideas to make things more even for everyone and the diva chimed in. She said I'm just worried about me....

I got a little upset yesterday.  It hit a nerve. The Thinker had told me that I could ask her a question on something I was working on and I did.  I just fired off a question and went about my day.  I got a response, Hey, you know I start at this time and it went on that she was trying to get her day started. When I send a message with a question, I never expect an immediate response.  I move onto the next problem because I know people are busy.  I realize that we all have bad moments and that she thought that I was expecting an immediate response and I explained I wasn't. I was working on something else.  I know there are others who are impatient like the diva or Regina.  I'm not one of them and many times people will do the same when I sign in.  It might be something from over night and I respond when I can.   It made me tearful.  It wasn't her.  It just felt insulting like I have nothing better to do than wait for people to ...

I felt like my whole central nervous system was on fire from anxiety the other day. I wasn't sure what to think after our first day in our new situation. I wasn't sure if I was being blamed for something and I wasn't.  It's everyone's fault. I wasn't longing for the past after Monday, I was longing for peace. I think after yesterday, I should be ok. The diva on the other hand is a whole other story.  I knew this would happen. She needed help and normally I'd let Regina or someone else help because why?  She doesn't want my help.  Since they weren't and I didn't want to leave the impression my jerk, I tried to help as well as our new world person.  I even offered to call the diva and I knew what the response would be.  Ignore me.  I threw out a couple of people's names she could contact.  I guess she would up calling the stomper who helped over what I thought was something simple.  In our daily check in, she was waving her hands and being emot...

 I woke up sometime after 4 and couldn't go back to sleep.  I was feeling a little nervous about what my day will bring me but not stressed like I had been the last month and a half. I really hope this is a better change and I think it will.  I think the stomper will get the group she really deserves. I hope the good humans have a good day. I have to call my insurance company and tell them I didn't order a urinary catheter for crying out loud.  Nobody ever got back to me.  Such a mess.  I have a feeling I might have a bigger mess to clean up.  Thanks scummy people.  

 I miss Stephen Colbert this last week.  I love Jimmy Kimmel.  Don't get me wrong but Stephen seemed to have more interesting people come on his show than Tim Allen.  Happy to see he had Tom Hanks on his show though.   I have been catching up on the Summer House drama.  I'm almost to Season 9 plus I have kept up on this year's reunions. I know these shows are crap but they're like my All My Children and General Hospital shows.  They're my stories.  They keep me from crying from real life. I know there's a lot of graduating going on this past week for school.  Kind of feels like I graduated from the school of humiliation.  I really felt like I had an out of body experience in our last meeting.  I don't know what was wrong with me with my responses or how I appeared on camera.  I didn't know how to hide my emotions that I can't fake things.  I knew the Stomper knew something was up and tried to ask what was wrong. ...

 Today was a podcast kind of morning.  I finished listening to Andy Cohen's weekly shows and then listened to Gavin Newsom's podcast that had Hunter Biden on. I have really grown to love Hunter, especially after reading his book.  He's not perfect and he'll tell you that he's not perfect.  I want to see him succeed.  I appreciate his honesty and lately his MAGA trolling has made me smile and laugh.  I think their family has a good heart.  I felt a ping in my heart when he talked about Joe grieving for this country.  Yeah. Me too.  I didn't cry.  I will if I turn it onto the UFC fighting tonight.  WTF? It was the second podcast that intrigued me.  I found Jennifer Welch's podcast.  I thought this woman looks familiar when I'd see her in the news or on Instagram.  Her and her co-host used to be on a Bravo show in Oklahoma.  Of course I watched it.  It's Bravo and I have no life.  She is wicked funny as we...

 That's what was yelled at me tonight as I crossed the street on my walk and on my way to Monterey Market.  Cool. First time I got mooed at?  No.  Last time?  Probably not. Even if I lost the weight I wanted to lose, someone always has to yell something stupid.  No, I'm not going to hide in the house because someone did that.  I'm going to do what I can do during the week.  Go for my walk.  I'll lose weight in due time.  Some people will always be ugly on the inside. It's been a week.  My cousin found out she has some autoimmune disease and basically going through a nightmare with paperwork and pain.  I don't understand why the limit her pain pills.  I just don't understand any of this.  I feel horrible and I hope her doctor can do something on Monday when she goes again.  This is insane.  They don't even have a neurologist until August in the area.  Just insane. I was worried poor Precious was going to...

 Poor Precious.  Her stomach had a rough day yesterday.  We think it was the sauce from my mom's chilli beans.  I felt like I was dealing with the Exorcist when I woke up yesterday and kind of throughout the day. I ordered some food to help with her sensitive stomach.  Because she had lost weight, I wanted her to eat what she wanted.  Now that this happened?  Yeah. I got to be more mindful about what she is eating.  I was going to Pet Supplies store on Sundays and I don't know why I stopped.  I will make a point to pick up more healthier food.  She seems to be doing a lot better this morning. I got her Greenies from Target to help her out if she wanted a snack.  I got a big bag of dry food coming today.  Hopefully that'll help. She did kind of accidentally help me get out of a call.  We were at the end and the diva shared her vacation pictures.  It wasn't one or two.  It was about twenty.  At one point I got...

I guess you don't have to be in a romantic or is being married still considered romantic? My point is there's many examples of toxic relationships that you find yourself in and don't always realize it. I guess I didn't realize it with the stomper.  When I met the stomper, they were in the same spot as me.  They seemed nice and a bit scattered but I understood.  Having two little ones at home, it was understandable.   The stomper stepped into a role that was a little bit above me which I was fine with but started seeing some signs that troubled me.  I kind of saw some micro managing and when I'd ask for help, I'd get a can you figure it out yourself?  I did but I kind of resented it after I was told not to worry, I'd be there for you. When the stomper applied for something higher up, she was angry about being turned down.  I kind of thought maybe it was too soon since they hadn't been there long enough and I tried to be gentle with my words.  ...

 I wound up taking my left contact lens out yesterday when I got home from the car dealer.  It was just burning my eye for some reason.  I get that from time to time. I could still see with only one contact lens in.  I even drove home from Madison with Frack after we went to a class together.  She would have freaked out.  I don't know what it is.  It doesn't sit on my eye well or if it's telling me time to change lenses.  I do every month and a half to two months.  It's supposed to be once a month and I have marked it on my calendar. I think my eye was just having a bad day yesterday. I didn't leave the dealership sobbing with car repair bills yesterday morning.  What is so special about air cabin filters?  I mean I get it but that always seems to be my issue where it needs fixing and I'm ok with it if that's the worse thing.  I'm just wondering.  They mentioned my tire treads as something that might need updating.  I...

I did cry a tiny bit yesterday and I think it was more stress related than anything.  Just felt mentally broke.  It was a small moment where I thought my brain was going to explode. I can't wait until the stomper is out of my life.  The pushing has been too much.  I'm sick of it.  The stomper made me cry in front of others and after that, sent me a box of candy from Amazon the following Monday. You can't treat people poorly, buy a box of candy and say I appreciate you.  WTF?  Honestly.  What's wrong with people?  It doesn't make things better.  It makes me fatter and the feeling of it's going to be ok just lasts for a moment.  No.  The stomper is an insensitive and thoughtless person.  I guess I went back and forth on how I felt and now that things will be changing I can't wait for this change to happen.  It would be nice if I didn't go through this with the next person.  Just an airheaded teenager I've been deal...

 It's been a week.  Not a good one.  One that has made me angry and annoyed. I really have no tolerance for women who "just can't handle" the difficult stuff and push stuff on others.  I have had a lifetime of it and I'm tired of being the human dumpster for others BS. I had an episode with acid reflux that scared me.  Scared my mom.  I was just eating a sandwich and she put gravy on it and I think the gravy felt stuck in my throat and I had to stand up and walk around. She thought I was throwing up.  I was belching up water.  I was ok but I thought that's probably why my airway looked small.  All the acid from all the stress people have caused me from being lazy assholes. I started my 14 day thing of Nexium. I haven't done it in a long time.  It's day 3 and I'm feeling a lot better.  Yeah.  I'll be more mindful of what I eat.  Horrible wake up call.  I have had that happen, in fact a couple of weeks ago.  It's n...

 That seems to be my new hang after work.  I really need to get in on that Taco Tuesday special. I saw what people were getting and it looked good.  I just sat down at a table and messaged Corinne while I took a short break before I went back on my evening walk.  It made me happy to see that they did have a fair amount of people ordering at the stand that they have for food.  I want the business to succeed.  It's a nice store.  Lower the prices or offer some more incentives.  Everyone loves a rewards program.  I really look forward to going there at night and maybe do some people watch while I sit down and gather my thoughts from the day.   Ever have someone talk to like you're a child and you're older than them?  I have had several instances and lately it's annoying me when it happens.  Not everyone is like this.  I've dealt with some great people who were younger than me and higher up on the food chain and have talk...

 I woke up later than usual and I guess it's never a bad thing if you get more sleep.  Not like I got to get in a car and drive on the freeway.  Thank goodness. I have to find my mom's AARP bill and call to get her cash value emailed. I can handle that.  And change her eye doctor appointment.  I told her she has to talk to Charlie about the faucet.  I'm too afraid to and it's not his or Jeremy's fault.  Just worried about what will happen next.  If he can get a faucet, great!  If not, then I'm worried. I finished my postcards for the New York primary.  I got stamps from the Environmental group that I've volunteered from.  They used to send me a 100 cards and now they upped it to 200.  Too hard to get that many stamps on that short of time.  I'm on a budget, people. I have cards for Postcards to Swing States but I don't have to mail them until mid October and I got time to build my stash.  Hopefully enough money. I'm t...