Where are you?

 I think I feel a little bit better this week.  Well definitely better than I did on Monday.  Still shocked to find out I had prostate cancer.  How come I didn't know?

I am not mad that comment was mad.  I was kind of puzzled I didn't get an I'm sorry, just made more jokes and made the situation weirder.  I thought after his medical assistant told me that change is hard, I realized well, maybe it's my time.

I miss my first doctor with Columbia.  She was about my age, had a daughter, divorced, had weight issues and had breast cancer.  She wound up leaving and going to work with an urgent care facility through Aurora.  I could talk to her about anything.  I couldn't with the second and apparently the third thinks I have a prostate.  Yeah.  I think I need someone that was like my first who might understand more.  I could even talk to her about work problems and she could relate how there's one that has to get on your nerves  Now?  I get a referral if I mention anything.  Really.  Not mad at present doctor. I just recognize that I might need to find someone else who gets me better.

It's not easy to walk away from any relationship.  I have burnt a couple that made me mad.  Case in point - the mentor.  I had been told for years what to do and to play the game. I did all the things he told me to do to make it in corporate America.  I basically got spit on, but I took it in stride.  It was having to face questions about his departure and facing blame that I didn't tell anyone what he was doing.  Newsflash.  I didn't know what he was doing.  He started in the late 80s. I was finishing college while he was leaving checks in files buried in his file cabinet.  It appalled me that he would send a condescending message to me every year about behaving myself.  He also chastised me for not being supportive of his friend who bullied me and cornered me and made me cry at times.  I just had a day where I thought You know what?  I'm going to tell him to F all the way off and I did.  I didn't say that.  I made it clear that this friendship, mentorship was being burnt to the ground.  I don't care if he told people that I was crazy.  If they knew my side, they'd ask why didn't I set him on fire when I had a chance?  

I thought about getting in touch with Trevor, the paralegal that I worked with.  Trevor used to help Corinne all the time with problems and I thought maybe he could help us with a few things. I liked Trevor.  We had a lot of fun together but Trevor knew how to make you feel bad.  I don't think he's a bad guy but I don't know if I can go back to that. When I got harassed by one of the tenants in our four family building, Trevor told me that he thought I was exaggerating how bad it was and then lectured me when I walked away.  It wasn't until he overheard me talking to someone about the damage this guy did to our washer that Trevor said something.  He asked why didn't I come to him?  I said you didn't believe me.  I know I might run into him when I see Corinne the next time he's in town and I would be more than happy to see him.  I just don't know if I can go back to that feeling of being lectured.  Talked down to.  I need a friend not someone that will always tell me what a failure I am or make mention of how much he pities me.  Is that really healthy for me?  I don't think it is.

I think I'll make a stop or two at some libraries and look at their activities.  I would like to be able to do something on a Saturday morning to sort of broaden my horizons so to speak?  I thought about volunteering at the museum a couple of days of the month but I don't want to do something that feels like work.  I'd like to do something creative or different.  Maybe a walking club. I don't know.  

I just really want to make a new friend in the area.  Someone who feels like I do.  Someone I can show up for if they need a ride for a medical procedure or need a bagel or a hug.  

Where are you?  Who are you?  How do I find you?