The Invisible Woman Chronicles

 I've had my share of women interfering in my love life.  Don't get me wrong.  They did me a favor but it's also disappointing when other women have been involved.  I could do a series on each one, but today's episode of Other Women belongs to Alison, Harold's ex and "friend".  I am doing an eye roll as I say this as well.  Yeah, he was probably doing the dirty deed with her. My first inkling of her appearance came on my first visit.  I spent most of the night sitting up and talking to Harold and having this magical bonding appearance.  We slept for 2 hours.  I heard him get up and I could hear him in the bathroom talking to someone. I wasn't suspicious but I wondered.  I got up and didn't eavesdrop.  He told me it was his sister.  She was worried about his parents. I brushed it off.  I did raise an eyebrow when I saw him step away when we had breakfast that morning.  He had to go to work and he said it was his job ca...

 It seems to be lasting longer but it's not as painful as it was last night.  I was kind of worried. I couldn't sleep and I thought I'm going to have to go to urgent care in the morning. I seem to be ok this morning or this afternoon. I did doze off a little bit watching my Bravo shows, much to my dismay. I never want to doze during the reunion shows damn it.   I actually wonder if this is an almond allergy. Sounds crazy but I wonder.  My mom had brought home from raw almonds from one of the food pantries and I kept grabbing a few here and there.  Then I started with the coughing.  I thought maybe I swallowed some salt or something but I didn't have salt!  I googled raw almonds and I thought oh shit. I didn't realize you could have an allergy.  It was related to tree pollen?  I'm not diagnosing myself off of Google but I kind of panicked when I saw that.   I kept sipping water and staying hydrated.  Then my voice started c...

My favorite app is gone.  It's still on my phone but I guess the company shut down yesterday.  I didn't know about it until I saw comments on Facebook. Me being the Shopkick dork that I am, had signed up on a Facebook group to get maybe some tips on how to get more points or kicks.  I could see everyone commenting that they had about $100 or $200 they had built up that's gone.   Damn it.  I can't complain because I was a little short of $5.  Big deal.  I have doing this app for 10 years and unfortunately I can't see how much I've earned in those 10 years. I think about $3600 last time I checked? I didn't really do as much during covid but once we got that rent increase, I pushed harder to get more points.  It did seem like during Covid, you couldn't get as many points as you could before.  Then there were the shoplifters that locked up merchandise you couldn't get at.  Damn it again. I was seeing signs that this app was losing more ...

I think the dog next door has run away officially.  This really upsets me.  I haven't seen him for the last few days. I know.  Why didn't I knock on their door?  I've done it before and nobody would answer.  It didn't even look like anyone was at home when I came back from chasing him down the block.  He ran into a neighbor's yard across the street. This has been one of several incidents where we've caught the dog wandering around and we've had to coax him back in.  The gate is always open and he can get out.   About two years ago, they had a couple of other dogs get poisoned.  He was the last dog left and you would think that they wouldn't do something like leave the damn door open. I think they were negligent dog owners.  I'm mad at them and sad about their dog.  Shame on them. 

Ah, they strike again.  I actually took it rather calmly when I realized what was done. I had received notification that I had something rejected.  Not shocked.  It's a difficult website for filing. I think I was more shocked that the lurker didn't put charts and graphs to let me know how stupid I was. When I looked further, I saw that initially I wasn't contacted.  Someone else was notified about this and they questioned the lurker about it.   What was the intent?  It was to make me look bad.  I've seen it before.  The person who questioned her is familiar with me and who I am.  They know I make mistakes and they know I'll fix them.  They may not have known I was the one who would fix it, but still.  They questioned why she was doing this.  The lurker then became the innocent victim. This was what I had for a long time when she entered my life.  It was a lot of behind the scenes reaching out to people privately about...

I am waiting on my state and federal refunds.  It would so greatly help. I had a bonus but it wasn't as good as last year and well, when you got to get contact lenses, pay off a broken blood vessel incident and other trivial things, it doesn't last long. The state is at last showing it's processing and it's been processing for 3 weeks.  Sigh.  I don't get anything when I check on federal.  I know.  I should file online. I figured I was too stupid to do that.  I know.  Shame on me for that comment.  I figured go with what works and I did put down my direct deposit information.  It's awesome when you get that text alert that money has been deposited.  I read because of the partial shutdown, it's slowing things down more.  Great. I know my raise will be in effect with this paycheck and that will definitely help.  It would really be nice to have the other two things come my way.  Right now, I would be ecstatic if I had my stat...

 I actually showed up for my eye exam and forgot to put my contact lenses in.  What in the fresh hell is wrong with me? I normally don't put my contact lenses in right away when I get up and work. I can see.  I got a screen up close and I may pop them in around 9 or 10.  Give my eyes a break.  Noooo, not today.  Yeah, I can drive fine without them but I wondered when I put my sunglasses on why did it feel like a blur?  That's why?  Good gawd.  No no no.  I need help I swear.  Did you notice that I didn't call myself an idiot?  Yeah, I'm thinking it but I'm trying to be kinder to myself in moments like this. The tech or the helper had a good laugh when I admitted what I did.  She said I don't mean to laugh at you.  Nah, this is one time it's really ok.  I wasn't mad.  I thought it was funny.  Kind of how could I be so you know what?  Overwhelmed.  Tired.  Very tired.  It was all good....

I thought about my rant last night about my name.  I know there's teasing in a good natured way and then there's just being mean. I don't think yesterday was meant to be mean but it hurt a nerve.  The history of the teasing has gone a lot deeper.   I've taken a lot of insults over the years and when I did say something, it was Oh, you're being sensitive.  I hate how the word "sensitive" gets used in that context because it causes someone to be silent when they should speak up.  I've mentioned things that have been said to me over the years at work or by friends and I've had gasps from those who heard it and got asked, Why didn't you say anything?  I was told I was too sensitive. There was someone that would talk dirty to all the assistants at my first job.  He was a pig.  I was told not to take him seriously and I tried to ignore it.  I almost wanted to report it and I told someone what was being said. They said no, don't say anything....

Today I got a message that a package was being sent to me from a vendor.  It was someone I've dealt with at our corporate office.  Always seemed nice to me.  I caught something in her message. She knows my name but she called me Constance and in the context it sounded like I was being made fun of for the package being in that name. Grow up.  Really.  Even at my age, I'm still dealing with people snickering over what my name is?  How childish and another reminder of why I don't miss this in person stuff.  I honestly hate the stupidity of people using my name to being funny especially when your name is Randy.  Or Dick.   It kind of crushed me when Sosie and Lorna teased me for my name.  I tried to shake it off but when they would say it, it was just stupid.  It really was.  I put up with that in grade school and now today, I got grown ass women making fun of my name.  It so disappointed me when Sosie did that. ...

 Here we are again.  Monday.  I can hardly contain my joy. Nobody can accuse me of not exercising yesterday.  When I was coming home from my morning walk by Lake Michigan, I was pulling into the alley when I thought I saw a dog.  I am almost 100 percent positive it was the dog next door.  I blew the horn because of course, wouldn't a dog like recognize me?  Of course not.  He stopped when he saw me and I thought maybe if I can get the car in the garage, I can go down the alley and find him.  I hurried along because I'm at the far end of the alley and I was trudging along with the few bags I had in my hands when I saw the dog head out of the alley and into the street. I thought oh damn it.  The alley leads to a somewhat quiet side street but I thought where is he going? He was going by the railroad tracks.  OMG.  I yelled for him, Hey buddy no!!  I don't know the dog's name.  He stopped and ran towards the street that'...

I don't get the weather.  It said 60 degrees when I looked but I saw on my iphone that it was going to be in the lower to upper 40s. I dressed warmer but not warm enough.  It was not upper 40s.  I managed a walk ok. I had a lighter jacket but gloves.  I didn't really care.  Just happy to be out this morning and walking.   I felt depressed when I saw my reflection walking yesterday. I thought I don't want to be that schlubby person hiding behind a sweatshirt.  I actually feel like a monster somedays.  I know. That's horrible.  I feel like I'm this monster who's been exiled who doesn't fit in life.  I had a bad feelings kind of day yesterday. No, I don't feel like that today.  I have these moments and it passes.  Writing it down makes me feel better.  Just wish I could start a club for the sad introverts.  Sigh.  We're too introverted to leave the house. On a positive note, I think my hair is becoming blonde a...

I am chickening out on changing my dentist.  Sigh.  I hate change.  My dentist had knee replacement surgery and I guess he still is taking some appointments, but I don't think he's available Friday mornings. It made me nervous to see his partner because of what happened to my mom 20 years ago.  The other dentist demanded that she pay either in cash or a credit card.  They didn't take checks.  The office person was surprised at that.  I'm not sure what happened but he over charged her, that I know.  I worried if he looked at my x-rays maybe he would find something that would need fixing. I know, if something's wrong, don't you want it fixed?  Of course.  I know how price gauging and doing something that wasn't necessary works.   I spent a total of 2 minutes with this dentist.  I walked in thinking well, this is it.  I had a good run.  Twenty one years.  I'll move on.  When I was walking out the dental te...

Seems like I can never escape a diva. This morning, I realized that the lurker has returned to the area I cover.  Why?  She was assigned to a different area and I get that there are some things that need to be handled when I'm out so fine.  I get it for some things.  What a surprise, she managed to block a day I was hoping to get for one of my scheduling assignments.   I thought when I gave up on the first area that she pushed me out, I would be left alone. I feel like I'm being harassed without the harassment. I live for the day when there is no lurker in my life.  If I say I want to go to this area, will the lurker than all of a sudden want to work there too?   I'm so sick of her shit.  Excuse me for the cursing.  

I was feeling a little salty yesterday thinking about how I had to cater to people because I inconvenienced them.  It didn't start because I had a test yesterday.  It started when the lurker signed off for not feeling well and the Oh, feel betters got to me.  No, no, sorry she wasn't feeling well.  I also know she's played all of us so I kind of refrain at times when it comes to her.  I think it's always the ones that cause so much noise get all the grace and flowers thrown at them. No, no, I don't want flowers thrown at me.  Patience and kindness seem to be missing in my life at crucial times.  It is what it is.  Don't want to be salty about it but sometimes I'm tired of witnessing it with others who really haven't been gracious people.   The spoiled really do get all the attention, don't they? When we were back in the office, Lorna's father in law had passed and she had the week off.  There were services that Friday, the day of on...

Well, my mood went to bleh when it came to the lurker.  I kind of suspect it was the lurker that tended to some medical issues.  I'm sorry for that and I do hope she's ok despite all the stress and anxiety she's caused me and others.  When it comes to this person?  I just feel like I got to step back and I feel bad.  My trust got broken so that's where I'm at. When the lurker wasn't feeling well, others expressed their sympathy and that hit me the wrong way.  Nah, it's not what about me?  It was flashback time.  Grace for thee, but go to hell for me.  Do I think that this group would be more sympathetic if something happened?  Maybe. There was one person who was ugly about the time I had off.  It was Frack who told me about this Sally who grumbled about my time off and when is this going to end?   Well Sally only stayed with us for 8 months.  She wasn't very much of a good worker in my opinion.  She was more abou...

It's always a good day when you get your test results within a couple of hours.  Yeah. It was that time of year and it didn't end with me in tears. I was told that my results would be read sometime during the day.  I explained what happened last year that the longer I waited, the more I thought, oh, things were ok and they weren't.  She seemed to think it would be ok.  Sometimes they just know.  It's always bad when you get someone that's quiet and you think, am I missing something?  Yeah, I have read into a vibe that was way off.  At least one time I was right.  It might have had something to do with seeing the same tech in a grocery store and watching her look panicked when she laid eyes on me. Looks like I'll be moving onto a new dentist after this visit.  I have no idea who I'll be seeing after my cleaning and if I hear one word about more work being done, I'll nod along and tell them I'll make a phone call.  I won't say to someone e...

 It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I was kind of worried when I woke up yesterday morning and saw the blowing snow.  I was surprised my landlord went out around 11 to shovel but that's when it seemed to clear up.  I hope I never have to shovel again.   Kind of glad to be offline a day and a half.  I don't like the reasons but might be good to step away and the daily frustration.  I was told this new world order a few years back would be that people would help each other.  Some do.  Not for me.  Nice try though. I am worried I might have to have more tests after tomorrow just to be on the safe side.  I don't think I'll have to pay for it with the new insurance changes but I hate that I'm still paying on last year's mess.  I wish I'd get some type of notices that my state or federal refund was coming.  I have about 200 plus dollars left to pay on it.  I paid anything that came in like prescriptions or my ...

What a craptastic day.  The morning didn't start off that way and I was hoping maybe this would all be just a big fake out.  Nah.  At least it's rain and sleet and whatever.  We don't have 15 inches of snow. I'm not sure what we'll have.  I wasn't going to go out this morning but I did.  It seemed to be a warmer day than I expected.  I think my mom changed her mind about the audio book so I took it back to the Wauwatosa library. I did my usual runs, including Target and I decided to park by Cermak. I was on the hunt for strawberries and the ones Cermak had looked kind of gross and green.  So I got the stuff I needed for Precious at Target and when I came out, I saw a guy approaching people.  I'm guessing for money.  Why?  What is it with people like that?  I don't mean homeless either.  This guy looked like he was hustling, he reminded me of the Monster.  I was able to sneak my way back to my car and get out before he...

Something happened yesterday that bothered me more than the rest of the usual shenanigans that I deal with on a daily basis.   The Thinker had asked me a question about something and when I explained what I would do, I received a Hmmm in response.  Then I saw the same question asked to the group.   I got that a lot when we were in the office.  People would ask a question and somehow the answer wasn't good enough.  Then they would find out then when they asked someone they deemed more knowledgeable, they would get the same answer I gave them.  That was hurtful yesterday.  That's something that I expect from the diva.  I didn't tell the Thinker this but I had nominated her for a dream week at our corporate offices.  I thought it would be a nice opportunity for someone young like her that would like to move up in the company.  I do think she's been nicer to me than others, but sometimes there are hurtful moments that have happened...

I know.  It shouldn't surprise me when women act the way that they do.  It just disappoints me.  It makes me think Michelle Obama is right.  We're not grown up to have a woman President.  We can't even support each other in the work place.  We have to compete.  We have to be mean to each other.  We just can't be nice. It gets tiresome after dealing with this for 34 years in the workforce.  I am just tired.  Checked out.  Call me an introvert.  Say that I'm in my shell, blah, blah.  It's all true and blame it on other women. When Frick had been so ugly towards me - yes, I know, which time?  It was when we got an attorney from Green Bay and it was alleged there was a phone call saying that there was favoritism towards me.  That was not favor getting assigned to that woman. I liked Janice but that woman buried me with work.  Frick was uglier than usual towards me as well as other team members at the time. I thi...

Today wasn't good.  I felt the black cloud over my head and it's lingering.  There has been some switching of assignments and the area I used to deal with is now getting passed over to Regina.  Lucky for the Thinker, she's the one that's getting to spend the quality time. I was a little surprised when Regina needed help.  I was a little curious when there wasn't a response. I didn't have the time and I sometimes wonder if she would want my help with the way she acts at times. Little by little people responded that they had other things to do or that they would try to find the time. Does that hurt my feelings that I didn't get the same response?  Yeah.  It did.  It's like a great reminder that I'm invisible.  I'm asking the universe to send me a sign that someone sees me.  No, I wouldn't expect my group to see me.  If they do it's for something bad.  I want to be seen for a good reason and appreciated. Send me a sign universe. ...

 I was hoping for a moment that maybe it wouldn't happen but it did.  The lurker has returned.  On a limited basis.  I don't want to know why. I don't care why.  I'm just tired of the lurker and the phoniness that ensued when they returned yesterday.   And yet I'm perceived as the too sensitive one because of how I've been treated by the lurker and others.  So it's ok to repeatedly get slapped by others and not let it have it affect you?  I am so tired of that narrative.  I know I've been caught twice being tearful but being human is not a crime.  Being a bully is something that should be taken care of and I'm so tired of the loopholes and the little catches on not addressing that issue.  I think that's where the weakness lies.  Not with me.  I'm the one that has to deal with it.  Others choose to ignore it and think it's ok. We got another Friday the 13th.  Eh, what's the difference.  Ever since that g...

There's a reason I keep to myself and why I get labeled quiet.  I've taken too many stab wounds to the back and I don't think my dermatologist has a prescription for that. Ugh.  I try to look at the group chat when I'm off to see if I missed any information and most times, I wind up feeling mad. It's the diva.  She seems to be taking the lurker's spot.  She had asked about information on something I shared with her when she started.  People forget.  I know I do.  Regina sent over the same instructions I sent her when she first started.  Ok.  We all forget.   It was the compliment that the diva sent back that made me see red.  She proclaimed that Regina was the best and that she rocked. No, I don't want to be told I'm the best or that I rock.  I thought I gave you that information twice when you first started and you didn't listen to a word I said. Then you complained about how you were trained. I spent so much time with th...

I am getting a little mad at my group.  I'll take them over the one I had previously but still.  I'm tired of the childish comments, lack of help and microagressions.  That's just the diva! I think it was me being off yesterday afternoon that set me off when the diva commented about it.  It's a half day.  Not a week.  I am tired of hearing the word lucky.  No, I'm not lucky.  Far from it. The next couple of weeks won't be great for me so maybe that's setting me off.  I am worried about my test next week. I don't want to have to come back for ultrasounds or biopsies.  It's like please give me a year off and I know I have cysts because I can feel it.  Sigh. That's not the sad part.  I couldn't remember if I had a dentist appointment this Friday or next and when I called, I found out it's next Friday.  Ok.  No problem.  Then I asked if my dentist will be back and she said no.  That still upsets me. He was on me...

It should come to no surprise that I sucked at gym class.  I wasn't good at sports at all and I was so so with a lot of gym activities we had to do.  Nope, never got far climbing up a rope.  I think I got mid way and was over it.  I hated gymnastics. I could do a half ass cartwheel and that's about it.  I almost fell over some balancing beam because my spotter wasn't watching me very well.  Thanks, Sherry, you jerk.   When it came to sports, it was a nightmare for me being on teams.  Yes, I was one of the last ones picked.  It wasn't always but I was on the low end of the totem pole.  One summer, I decided that I would join a kick ball club with my sister.  She was good at it. I wasn't but I liked it.  I thought I would do well. I didn't. There was one girl who was in my grade who was so obnoxious about sports.  Wendy Fraa.  We made fun of her last name.  Why should I be the only one who gets mocked for my l...

I played hooky today. I requested to leave at noon and I did personal errands. I needed to get out of the house and just get away from everything. I am overloaded and I am tired of being overloaded.  I had a package to send to Corinne for her birthday and I got it out this afternoon. I thought I had mailing envelopes that would fit but I didn't.  I had to throw everything in a bag and find a mailing envelope on the way to the post office this afternoon.  There is probably one around here but I can't find it.  That's how messed up things are. Once a month, we get asked to sit in on a meeting with the attorneys and paralegals and most of it us about them.  It's not a bad thing.  We do get asked if we have anything to add, this is the part that makes me angry.  Every time Regina interrupts me and talks over me.  Why bother?  The Thinker is supposed to be in the meeting but she has skipped the last two meetings and was rather blase about it....

I was thinking about my step mother the other day.  She had passed a few years ago.  My sister had reconnected with her some time ago and my half sister.  I didn't.  My step mother did try to reach out to me through Facebook a few years before she passed.  I never responded. No, I don't feel guilty.  I am sorry that she passed.  I just didn't have any interest in forming a new relationship or reconnecting.  I was and am still good. She wasn't a horrible person by any means.  I felt like she tolerated me growing up.  She did her duty.  That's what a step mom does.  I probably spent more time with her than my dad when I went to go see them on a weekend and I didn't have bad times with her.  She could be a lot of fun.  My dad worked third shift so he seemed to sleep a lot when we were there.  Go figure.  Not complaining just a fact.  We hung out with my step-mom and her two daughters with her first husband...

It's a mixed feeling when this time comes.  Happy for the extra hour of light.  Not happy to change the clocks or lose an hour of sleep.  It is what it is. I went to bed early last night. I was not feeling so great.  Next week is a crucial week for me because it's that time of year that I get a test that I flunked once and yeah, we all know how that story turned out.  I know I took the test that determined if I would get cancer again and it came out in my favor.  Doesn't mean I don't worry.  I can feel the cysts.  I know they're there and I don't know if there will be more tests involved which sucks. I also think they're covered by my insurance now.  At least that's how I understand it.  I just don't want to have to get called for anymore tests after next week.  I just want to go back to just having the occasional skin irritation, or eye irritation or allergy situation. That's what life was like before this happened.  I know it...

Take a deep breath.  The work week is done.  I felt a sense of annoyance when I signed off. No sign of the lurker.  I got a feeling we got another 2 weeks before we hear what's what on that subject.  Meanwhile the other members of the group?  Ugh.  I got asked to assist the Thinker the last few minutes of my day.  I did pick up a few things and I was aware of her situation because she kept putting it out there in our chat.  Someone flat out said I'm not comfortable with that.  I thought that's bold and really insulting.  Not surprised.  They wondered why I broke down in tears at the end of the year.  I thought the majority of you don't help me.  The majority of you stress me out because you don't help and I don't feel supported.  Most of you just let me down.  Every day.  It's ok if I help you or take on the challenges but I don't get the same energy back.  . Then there's the diva.  Wants to tell e...

When we were in the office, Frick and Frack were bitching about someone turning Matt Lauer in about the sexual abuse and harassment that they endured.  Frack kept saying why do women bring it up now?  I tried to talk reason to them but as usual, there's no excuse for women. Who really wants to talk about it?  I didn't.  I dealt with it and there's a few incidents that were just bad.  You question yourself after it happens.  You don't question the person who did it to you.  You blame yourself.  You basically put yourself in your own emotional prison.  I think it's great when a woman stands up for herself these days when they're harassed.  I find as I got older, I got tired of listening to someone berating me and I'd walk away.  Berating is one thing.  Sexual harassment is a whole different thing. It was my first job out of college.  It was at a law firm that kind of had a high turnover and we were the attorneys who represen...

There's a name that I came across yesterday that I think is a lovely name.  It's the name Grace.  There is something calming and sweet about that name. If I had had a daughter, I would have liked to have given her the name Grace.  See, if you say that out loud, you're made to feel pathetic or sad because you think you missed out on having children.  That just irritates me and just frustrates me.  I'm allowed to share something I had wished for long ago.  I'm allowed to admit my feelings period.  It doesn't mean I'm going to go adopt a baby or cat and call her Grace.  I'm allowed to have those thoughts and I'm so tired of people bashing me down for admitting anything like that regarding kids. Anyway, now that my rant is over.  Yeah, I would have liked to have had a little girl or boy.  I always liked the names Owen or Jason. They bound sound like such calming names just like Grace.   I didn't dream of a perfect life.  I dre...