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Exhausted

 It's not from what happened with my mom last weekend.  I just about had it with the group that I spend my days with that I feel exhausted.  I have today and Monday off.  I just don't know what to do anymore. Yesterday, I spent an hour listening to Regina go on about her work, how she is the most important person in the group and all of her responsibilities have changed.  I could go walk around the block, come back and she would still be talking because she never takes a breath.  I resent it because I've been in the position where I've asked this group for help and have heard nothing.  I feel like I'm going to have the mafia after me if I don't. I did help her area when she was out for the day. I know what she's doing.  She's hoping that she messes it up and complains so much that she'll get her old area back that nobody could touch.  Regina has been the most useless person in our group.  Unless it's to help the lurker, everyone else can...
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Home

 Mom has been home a day now.  I got her out yesterday.  I wasn't sure if it was possible.  She had a low grade fever and then something happened with her IV.  Her doctor came in before 2 and told her that she was good to go.  I was tearful when I thought she wouldn't be able to come home.  I was happy to come get her and I didn't care I had to wait 2 hours with her.  I had my mom. We never really do much of anything on the holiday but we have each other.  I saw my future on Sunday.  I know that there will be a day that it's just me and you know?  It sucks.  I don't know how to fix it.  There have been people who have come and gone.  Mostly gone.   I think Cassie thought she was my emergency contact when life fell apart.  No, I thought she was a friend. I was never invited over to her home so what did I expect?  Even Corinne had her Easter dinner and everything.  I knew she knew about lonely h...
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Lonely Easter

It's my hope that mom will be home today.  I am preparing myself in case that's, well, not the case.  She seemed to be doing a lot better.  I talked to her for an hour and a half last night before I went to bed.  I came over in the afternoon for an hour and a half to see how she was.  She was able to get up and get to the bathroom ok.  This morning she'll get a chest x-ray.  I'm not sure if it's morning but I think she hopes it's soon.  I do too.   I thought I was ok and when I sat with Precious on my mom's bed, I cried. I have spent a few holidays alone when she lived with my grandmother or when my parents would go up north to see my grandmother when she was alive.   I had nobody to talk to.  I had Corinne message me a bit.  I did what I could for the house.  She normally takes care of the dishes which I hate but I did it.  I took care of the laundry, made sure Precious was fed and snuggled.  I watched...
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All I want for Easter is my mom home

My mom is in the hospital with pneumonia.  The doctor that talked to us today said she was on the verge of starting it so it was good she came in.  He was going to end her fluids and see how she was doing.  He said if her chest x ray looked good then she could be released on Monday.     I'm not sure who the other woman was but she was taking some type of blood cultures and I guess she has a staph infection. I didn't catch all of it but she talked about possibly a home care worker giving her oxygen at home or going to assisted living if need be.   I know they have to say the worst but it's scary to hear the worst. It finally took me until now to start crying.  I can't stop crying.  I'm so sad. 
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This week and weather sucked

I should have went to urgent care Saturday morning.  Now my mom has a cold.  She swears it's from standing in line at the food pantry on Wednesday.  No.  It was me.  I've been hacking all week with my cough so sooner or later it would have affected her.  Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference if I went on Saturday or Tuesday.  It just sucks.  I do feel responsible. I hesitated on leaving for a hair cut. I thought am I going to start choking during the appointment? I was fine for the most part.  Just a couple of moments that I covered with the water I requested.  I swear I was on the verge of cancelling it when I had trouble with the parking meter.  I hate that they stopped doing weekend appointments.  It didn't bother me that I paid $2 for parking.  It pissed me off that I couldn't get my debit card in.  I realized the first meter was broke and I had to pull up to another one to do it.  It's not easy when it's ...
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When is my time?

Kind of a quieter week with people being out due to spring break, the holiday, all that good stuff.  Nice to catch up on some things.  I don't miss the keeping up with the joneses moments I'd have to hear.  Oh boo hoo, I don't know if I have the right shoes for London.  Sigh.  I can relate. I thought I'm such a grouchy bitch when I think about those things.  You are an unhappy person I told myself.   Do I want to do the things that people do?  Not really. I don't know what it is. I think of Cassie telling someone that I'm an unhappy person after she got promoted.  That stung because I thought is she right?  Maybe.  I don't know.  I'm not a saint. I look at her life.  She traveled around the country to follow the Grateful Dead when she was in her 20s.  When she got married, she stayed home with her girls until they were in school for awhile and she got her paralegal certificate from MATC.  Then she got a job ...
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Kind of On the Mend

I should have cancelled my appointment for today. I am doing much better but I have a feeling I'll have a sneak attack come up on me and I'll probably piss a student off.   My mom got the air purifier out last night and that seemed to help.  That and maybe drinking a little extra cough medicine. I had forgotten about it and started taking it last night and this morning.  It seems a lot looser and not as annoying.  I know how the pop up attacks can occur when you don't want it to and it sucks. I talked to someone yesterday and I was fine.  Then I talked to someone about an IT issue and I started with the hacking.  I am so hoping for cooler air at the school and lots of water to drink to help me out here. I'm on the mend, people.  I'm trying. Next time?  Just straight to urgent care.  I'm not the type to say Oh, I can tough it out.  No, I want the antibiotics damn it. I believe in medicine.  Yeah, I'm sick of the I'll do my resea...
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