The Invisible Woman Chronicles

I didn't mean to pile on Sosie.  She's not a bad person.  Just maybe unaware like most people.  It's been a lifelong struggle for people to make time for me.  Or to answer me.  Or just to see me.  I guess that's why I'm invisible. I always felt like I was so demanding if I asked for something.  I always felt like I was too much if maybe I asked why didn't you call?  Or are things ok?  I just stopped asking if a period of time passed. I would think.  Well they're done with me.   During my 2nd year at college, my boyfriend was going to a bar with some friends one evening. I really hadn't seen much of him and I really wasn't crazy about the bar that he was going to.  I joked about how trashy it was and I didn't really sense anything was wrong until I got picked up the next day and taken to work. He was waiting for me at the bus stop.  My parents were having financial issues.  Well.  I'll say it.  They file...

 This morning, I saw someone I worked with had a post on Linkedin that I read.  I liked Portia. I don't know if I would have liked being her assistant.  She was a little too tough with the workload but she seemed decent.  Better manners than Lois.  She had posted that she was leaving the firm that she was at for years.  It was the place she left us for.  I wanted to put a congratulations until I saw all the familiar faces who did the same. I thought I'll wish her good luck in my head.  I just didn't want to draw any attention to myself. When I was in the office, a lot of people were social media friends.  Basically Facebook friends.  Basically asking for trouble in my opinion.  Not a good idea.  My manager was with several attorneys and paralegals.  I remember her and Betsy looked at Corinne's page and were angry because she commented on being pushed out when she was asked by someone.  She was.  By them.  It...

 I am doing better today.  I don't know why I got upset because Oh no!  Someone didn't respond to my email.  Sigh.  I had a lot of memories of people not calling me back so I'm quick to think in my vivid imagination Oh this person hates me!  No, they don't.  Being dismissed and forgotten about is probably the case.   Being dismissed and forgotten isn't ok either but it's kind of the norm when it's me.  It surprises me when I do see people like that and they say Oh it's so good to see you! I think, is it?  I never heard from you again so I don't suck? You know me talking about it makes me sound so needy.  I just return calls. I respond to emails.  I might not be immediate but I try to find time for people even if I'm tired.  Sometimes I don't respond to Corinne's messages in the morning. I do make a point by the evening when I sign off to write back because it's important. I may not hear from her for a few days and I d...

 This isn't about lurkers or stompers.  This is my inability to find friends in this lifetime.  I swear I don't know how to make any.  I'm lucky Corinne wants to be my friend some days. I feel so stupid and like a little kid getting rejected on the playground again.  It's pathetic when you're my age.  I didn't want to be part of clubs or cliques.  I wanted to have people who really did care about what happened to me. It's silly that I'm crying because it doesn't mean anything.  It doesn't mean I won't hear from this person.  I just feel like that kid that gets their hopes up and doesn't get invited to the birthday party.   This week there was a message board of thanks for the work that we do and I noticed something was posted from Sosie. I hadn't done any work for her and it's been awhile since we talked so yeah, it kind of meant something that someone recognized me.  Saw me.   I sent an email last night telling her w...

I'll say it again.  Flowery words are nice but they mean zero when you don't back them up.   Yesterday was a day to celebrate what I do every day.  I am ok if that day isn't celebrated.  I just am at this point in my life.  In the office, the managing attorney would say the same thing and then treat people like me garbage so heartburn from a lunch I didn't ask for and gift cards that I don't need just don't mean anything.  I would like my daily life to be quality. I don't want to hear words that mean nothing. I got something in the mail from the stomper.  It was a little organizer book and a fancy book mark.  I got a gift card that was good. I'm not sure the amount but I will use it.  I asked my sister if my niece would like it and she would.  It's not for me and it means nothing to me.  There was a note written on the inside and this morning I ripped it out of the book and shredded it.  It was just empty words. Ever since...

 On Monday, I was angry.  I felt like a dumping ground and I really couldn't pretend that I was a happy person when I got my response.  I actually cut off my call early because I was pissed off. It's not anything I'm familiar with. I hit the end button when I heard I really appreciate you.  Oh F all the way off.  No you appreciate me being a door mat. Just stop it.  Quit talking.  Yeah.  I'm talking about the stomper.  I think the light switch came on for me that I had enough and ignored enough. I still have to deal with it for a few more weeks and I don't know if I can fake it.  I think when someone is part of your daily life and it's imperative that you don't show how you feel, you ignore a lot.  I really can't ignore a lot and right now I want to unload a lot of my feelings off right now.  I wouldn't at the stomper.  Honestly.  So tired of the stupidity. I've said it before and I'll say it again.  So sick of t...