The Invisible Woman Chronicles

My mom offered to buy me a pair of capri pants from Kohl's.  My usual stretch ones.  She asked if I would prefer shorts.  I would prefer to not feel awkward in shorts and I passed.  I do wear shorts in the summer but I kind of hope the weather doesn't get hot because I do feel the awkward fat kid in gym class when I wear them.   My goal for next summer?  It's not to fit in a certain size.  It's to be a size that makes me feel less awkward.  I would love to be able to wear a nice pair of cargo shorts and be able to wear the Obama t-shirt that's too small for me. I hated hearing the conversations at work about women talking about fitting into their bikini or swimsuit.  Crash diets or workouts with their trainer.  Lamenting about how having kids ruined their figure.  I was already ahead of that curve with my love of fast food. Damaged because you had kids?  How shallow.  I feel like I'm shallow because I feel damaged fro...

I'm not so much in my feels.  I'm back to the Sunday scaries.  The last few days just felt heavy on me. I have a 4 day weekend coming up Friday and I'm off on Monday.  I so badly need that.  I hate that last week where I had to take a little something for anxiety.  It pisses me off when people like the diva makes me take medication.   In a way, I'm wondering if this might prompt me to pick a doctor or new primary towards the end of the year if my anxiety gets too bad this year.  I'm going to change the first of next year but it's ok if I got to do it sooner.   I don't miss my oncologist because that means something bad.  However,  I miss her kindness and it isn't that anyone else I deal with is awful, quite the opposite but for a primary, I would like someone who will treat me with kindness and not like a joke.   I didn't think much of father's day.  Do I miss my dad?  Yeah. I do.  There was a lot of ba...

When I finished watching the special they had on the new Obama library, I went to bed and felt a little bit like crying.  I felt kind of joyful watching the footage of the library opening and I loved hearing all about the library.  I would love to see it. I know I won't ever get to see it in my lifetime.  I really loved seeing it on TV. I am just kind of grieving life lately.  It doesn't help when we have someone with dementia and cruelty in the White House.  It's a lot. I wasn't excelling at life and I don't need to struggle anymore and yet here we are. It's a lot of things.  It's thinking about how I wish my life would have turned out.  I wish I would have focused on meeting someone here in Milwaukee instead of chasing rainbows.  Still don't regret my dare to be great moment.  I wish I would there was someone I would have met here. People forget you when you don't make your match like that.  I just feel so invisible lately and yet I do...

 In the movie, The Sure Thing, Lloyd Dobler was looking for his dare to be great moment and that was asking out Diane Court.  My dare to be great moment was traveling to San Diego to meet the potential love of my life. There is a difference between movie and real life of course.  I'm not here to go on about dumb Harold.  It's been established what a massive asshole he turned out to be.  It was the moment for me to do something different and do something not a lot of people would do at the time.   I know I've mentioned this before, but before this whole meeting someone online happened, I was at a crossroads about my life.  I was 33 years old and 34 was peeking around the corner.  It felt like I had a window of time and people were writing me off as it was.  Oh, yeah, must feel good to be free of kids.  It's probably nice for you to be alone and without a husband.  Maybe you can join a craft club to meet other women like you....

 This week's theme?  Don't speak for me.  Keep my name out of your mouth. Ok.  If you are sticking up for me and I know your heart is in the right place?  Thank you for looking out for me.   The situations I encountered this week were not altruistic efforts.  It was another case of performance art.   First it was the vaper who asked me if anyone helps me with my area.  Honestly I wanted to say how much pot are you smoking during the day?  You know that answer.  Thanks for putting the spotlight on me.  She offered her help and she still has a task she took from me unfinished.  I'm not helping her.  She offered in front of others.  Deal with it.  The era of grace and making excuses with the vaper is done. It gets worse.  Our new person, the one who took over for the stomper threw out some ideas to make things more even for everyone and the diva chimed in. She said I'm just worried about me....

I got a little upset yesterday.  It hit a nerve. The Thinker had told me that I could ask her a question on something I was working on and I did.  I just fired off a question and went about my day.  I got a response, Hey, you know I start at this time and it went on that she was trying to get her day started. When I send a message with a question, I never expect an immediate response.  I move onto the next problem because I know people are busy.  I realize that we all have bad moments and that she thought that I was expecting an immediate response and I explained I wasn't. I was working on something else.  I know there are others who are impatient like the diva or Regina.  I'm not one of them and many times people will do the same when I sign in.  It might be something from over night and I respond when I can.   It made me tearful.  It wasn't her.  It just felt insulting like I have nothing better to do than wait for people to ...