The Invisible Woman Chronicles

 I think I feel a little bit better this week.  Well definitely better than I did on Monday.  Still shocked to find out I had prostate cancer.  How come I didn't know? I am not mad that comment was mad.  I was kind of puzzled I didn't get an I'm sorry, just made more jokes and made the situation weirder.  I thought after his medical assistant told me that change is hard, I realized well, maybe it's my time. I miss my first doctor with Columbia.  She was about my age, had a daughter, divorced, had weight issues and had breast cancer.  She wound up leaving and going to work with an urgent care facility through Aurora.  I could talk to her about anything.  I couldn't with the second and apparently the third thinks I have a prostate.  Yeah.  I think I need someone that was like my first who might understand more.  I could even talk to her about work problems and she could relate how there's one that has to get on your nerves...

It wasn't a bad day.  No sightings of a lurker so that helps.  I spent my day kind of pondering my medical. First up, I finally ordered a mouth guard.  I did some homework and found a company that seemed to be best and the payments work out for me.  I could pay it all up front but considering how things are at the moment, I thought it was best to do my K Mart lay away plan payments.  I used Klarna. If I have better weeks, I'll pay more.  I need it and I need it like yesterday. I probably have had this mouth guard three times longer than I should have.  I can't afford to pay $600 or $700 at  the moment especially when I'm in credit card jail.  I looked at some companies online to see what was best over the last few months and this company fared better in their reviews.   I was told yesterday I might have sleep apena.  I don't know and I can't afford to go see someone right now and get a cpap machine.  I think I've only woke...

Today is my Monday and no, not looking forward to it.  Hopefully there's no lurker incidents to report.  Give me a few days with it, lurker, please?  Sigh.  I think the Thinker is off so it'll be a quiet day for me not to share my annoyances.  It's ok.  The cat will talk to me.   What a weird day it was yesterday.  My mom laughed when I told her that it was mentioned it's been 11 years since I had prostate cancer. I know people misspeak.  I felt kind of stupid but I didn't take offense.  Someone else might have reported it, but I misspeak too.  It felt weird having it asked like that in front of a student, but I thought eh, we're all human.  I thought maybe this is a sign for change.  I don't know.  For the time being it was a good fit.  With me not having an oncologist, I might need a female voice moving forward when it comes to health issues.  I have one male doctor who's freaking awesome.  It's ...

Someone said to me this morning, you know change can be hard.  After this morning, I may make a change in the next year and it may not be so hard.  It may be very warranted. It wasn't that bad.  I felt like something was out of sync.  I felt like some comments maybe didn't sit well with me.  I wasn't fat shamed.  I felt like there was a disconnect when it came to the money issue.  I felt like something was off.  I'm not mad, not at all but kind of not ok.  When I walked out, I thought maybe it is time for a change.     I had also mentioned the accident that happened almost 2 years ago.  I was thinking it should be on record in the event that this doesn't help my anxiety.  I didn't seek medical treatment at the time and I thought it should be mentioned.  I had only mentioned it to my oncologist. I felt like it got blown up and turned into something it really shouldn't be.  I took the information and said ok....

 Have you ever been around that person that always knew how to make you feel small but with a small on their face?  I'm afraid that's what I'm facing shortly and I feel kind of tearful about it. It hasn't always been that way but lately I have been getting these comments that have raised an eyebrow and made me wonder, What was meant by that?   Yeah.  The weight thing comes to mind and my health.  I have been sitting here teary eyed and feeling ashamed about my appointment tomorrow. I didn't eat much, really haven't the last couple of weeks. I will get a kind reminder even if in my head it sounds like the worse thing possible.  It's because I have people rooting against me and I can hear the cheers in my head when I have a setback. Stupid people.  I should charge them an exorbitant amount of money for the rent that they're using in my head.  I'd have my bills paid off and live in a better neighborhood. I just don't look forward to tomorrow and...

It's easy for me to say walk away from a situation.  Sometimes you're stuck.  There's a lot of toxic people in our lives that drag us down and you want to run for the hills but you can't.  It may involve changing jobs and sometimes you walk into a job that has more toxic people.  Sometimes you leave a relationship and find someone even more crazier than the one you left.  It's not easy.  It feels liberating when you can be free of a situation but getting out of it or leaving it?  Not so easy.  It took covid for me to be free of people who were spoiled, petty and rude.  It doesn't mean my daily life doesn't have a bit of that. I did speak about the lurker and their involvement. I felt frustrated at times when I listened to some reasoning as to why things were done the way they were but I got asked my thoughts as to how I see the situation.  I said there's a history.  There's a pattern and after the last 2 weeks, all I want to say to ...