The Invisible Woman Chronicles

I am so looking forward to having off on Friday and Monday.  I mean, mom going to the doctor always makes me nervous but I think she's doing ok.  I just need a break mentally. Yesterday didn't turn out as bad as I thought but I had a couple of incidents that just embarrassed me.  One wasn't so bad.  The person thought I didn't do something and in actuality, they weren't paying attention.  Sometimes in my daily life, I feel like I'm the scape goat for when something goes wrong when I know that's not the case but I accept it.  I think the person realized that and it kind of threw me off but eh, that wasn't so bad. The next thing was bad.  Someone got asked about how our group handles things and someone chimed in about something small.  It's important but in the grande scheme of things, this person made it out to be a lot bigger and I thought well we all know who handles that.  That would be me.  I admitted it and I got asked more questions...

 I got bad news yesterday.  The Thinker will be leaving in another week.  I congratulated her and got depressed. This was the only person I could kind of talk to at times.  I may not have always agreed but at least it was someone who was on the same wave length and had some work ethic. That's not the same for the rest.  I know I'll be the one paying for it.  The Thinker covered one of my old areas and it's a difficult area where I made a mistake and got a big write up for it.  The difference between the Thinker and myself is that I covered two areas.  They had to have someone else because they realized it was too much for me.  I have a feeling I'll lose my current area and get pulled back. I really wish people would keep my name out of their mouths.  The thinker even mentioned that I had covered that area hurt me. I was hoping that I would have been moved to one of our new areas for coverage and learning.  No.  I keep getting p...

My mom offered to buy me a pair of capri pants from Kohl's.  My usual stretch ones.  She asked if I would prefer shorts.  I would prefer to not feel awkward in shorts and I passed.  I do wear shorts in the summer but I kind of hope the weather doesn't get hot because I do feel the awkward fat kid in gym class when I wear them.   My goal for next summer?  It's not to fit in a certain size.  It's to be a size that makes me feel less awkward.  I would love to be able to wear a nice pair of cargo shorts and be able to wear the Obama t-shirt that's too small for me. I hated hearing the conversations at work about women talking about fitting into their bikini or swimsuit.  Crash diets or workouts with their trainer.  Lamenting about how having kids ruined their figure.  I was already ahead of that curve with my love of fast food. Damaged because you had kids?  How shallow.  I feel like I'm shallow because I feel damaged fro...

I'm not so much in my feels.  I'm back to the Sunday scaries.  The last few days just felt heavy on me. I have a 4 day weekend coming up Friday and I'm off on Monday.  I so badly need that.  I hate that last week where I had to take a little something for anxiety.  It pisses me off when people like the diva makes me take medication.   In a way, I'm wondering if this might prompt me to pick a doctor or new primary towards the end of the year if my anxiety gets too bad this year.  I'm going to change the first of next year but it's ok if I got to do it sooner.   I don't miss my oncologist because that means something bad.  However,  I miss her kindness and it isn't that anyone else I deal with is awful, quite the opposite but for a primary, I would like someone who will treat me with kindness and not like a joke.   I didn't think much of father's day.  Do I miss my dad?  Yeah. I do.  There was a lot of ba...

When I finished watching the special they had on the new Obama library, I went to bed and felt a little bit like crying.  I felt kind of joyful watching the footage of the library opening and I loved hearing all about the library.  I would love to see it. I know I won't ever get to see it in my lifetime.  I really loved seeing it on TV. I am just kind of grieving life lately.  It doesn't help when we have someone with dementia and cruelty in the White House.  It's a lot. I wasn't excelling at life and I don't need to struggle anymore and yet here we are. It's a lot of things.  It's thinking about how I wish my life would have turned out.  I wish I would have focused on meeting someone here in Milwaukee instead of chasing rainbows.  Still don't regret my dare to be great moment.  I wish I would there was someone I would have met here. People forget you when you don't make your match like that.  I just feel so invisible lately and yet I do...

 In the movie, The Sure Thing, Lloyd Dobler was looking for his dare to be great moment and that was asking out Diane Court.  My dare to be great moment was traveling to San Diego to meet the potential love of my life. There is a difference between movie and real life of course.  I'm not here to go on about dumb Harold.  It's been established what a massive asshole he turned out to be.  It was the moment for me to do something different and do something not a lot of people would do at the time.   I know I've mentioned this before, but before this whole meeting someone online happened, I was at a crossroads about my life.  I was 33 years old and 34 was peeking around the corner.  It felt like I had a window of time and people were writing me off as it was.  Oh, yeah, must feel good to be free of kids.  It's probably nice for you to be alone and without a husband.  Maybe you can join a craft club to meet other women like you....