The Invisible Woman Chronicles

 I actually showed up for my eye exam and forgot to put my contact lenses in.  What in the fresh hell is wrong with me? I normally don't put my contact lenses in right away when I get up and work. I can see.  I got a screen up close and I may pop them in around 9 or 10.  Give my eyes a break.  Noooo, not today.  Yeah, I can drive fine without them but I wondered when I put my sunglasses on why did it feel like a blur?  That's why?  Good gawd.  No no no.  I need help I swear.  Did you notice that I didn't call myself an idiot?  Yeah, I'm thinking it but I'm trying to be kinder to myself in moments like this. The tech or the helper had a good laugh when I admitted what I did.  She said I don't mean to laugh at you.  Nah, this is one time it's really ok.  I wasn't mad.  I thought it was funny.  Kind of how could I be so you know what?  Overwhelmed.  Tired.  Very tired.  It was all good....

I thought about my rant last night about my name.  I know there's teasing in a good natured way and then there's just being mean. I don't think yesterday was meant to be mean but it hurt a nerve.  The history of the teasing has gone a lot deeper.   I've taken a lot of insults over the years and when I did say something, it was Oh, you're being sensitive.  I hate how the word "sensitive" gets used in that context because it causes someone to be silent when they should speak up.  I've mentioned things that have been said to me over the years at work or by friends and I've had gasps from those who heard it and got asked, Why didn't you say anything?  I was told I was too sensitive. There was someone that would talk dirty to all the assistants at my first job.  He was a pig.  I was told not to take him seriously and I tried to ignore it.  I almost wanted to report it and I told someone what was being said. They said no, don't say anything....

Today I got a message that a package was being sent to me from a vendor.  It was someone I've dealt with at our corporate office.  Always seemed nice to me.  I caught something in her message. She knows my name but she called me Constance and in the context it sounded like I was being made fun of for the package being in that name. Grow up.  Really.  Even at my age, I'm still dealing with people snickering over what my name is?  How childish and another reminder of why I don't miss this in person stuff.  I honestly hate the stupidity of people using my name to being funny especially when your name is Randy.  Or Dick.   It kind of crushed me when Sosie and Lorna teased me for my name.  I tried to shake it off but when they would say it, it was just stupid.  It really was.  I put up with that in grade school and now today, I got grown ass women making fun of my name.  It so disappointed me when Sosie did that. ...

 Here we are again.  Monday.  I can hardly contain my joy. Nobody can accuse me of not exercising yesterday.  When I was coming home from my morning walk by Lake Michigan, I was pulling into the alley when I thought I saw a dog.  I am almost 100 percent positive it was the dog next door.  I blew the horn because of course, wouldn't a dog like recognize me?  Of course not.  He stopped when he saw me and I thought maybe if I can get the car in the garage, I can go down the alley and find him.  I hurried along because I'm at the far end of the alley and I was trudging along with the few bags I had in my hands when I saw the dog head out of the alley and into the street. I thought oh damn it.  The alley leads to a somewhat quiet side street but I thought where is he going? He was going by the railroad tracks.  OMG.  I yelled for him, Hey buddy no!!  I don't know the dog's name.  He stopped and ran towards the street that'...

I don't get the weather.  It said 60 degrees when I looked but I saw on my iphone that it was going to be in the lower to upper 40s. I dressed warmer but not warm enough.  It was not upper 40s.  I managed a walk ok. I had a lighter jacket but gloves.  I didn't really care.  Just happy to be out this morning and walking.   I felt depressed when I saw my reflection walking yesterday. I thought I don't want to be that schlubby person hiding behind a sweatshirt.  I actually feel like a monster somedays.  I know. That's horrible.  I feel like I'm this monster who's been exiled who doesn't fit in life.  I had a bad feelings kind of day yesterday. No, I don't feel like that today.  I have these moments and it passes.  Writing it down makes me feel better.  Just wish I could start a club for the sad introverts.  Sigh.  We're too introverted to leave the house. On a positive note, I think my hair is becoming blonde a...

I am chickening out on changing my dentist.  Sigh.  I hate change.  My dentist had knee replacement surgery and I guess he still is taking some appointments, but I don't think he's available Friday mornings. It made me nervous to see his partner because of what happened to my mom 20 years ago.  The other dentist demanded that she pay either in cash or a credit card.  They didn't take checks.  The office person was surprised at that.  I'm not sure what happened but he over charged her, that I know.  I worried if he looked at my x-rays maybe he would find something that would need fixing. I know, if something's wrong, don't you want it fixed?  Of course.  I know how price gauging and doing something that wasn't necessary works.   I spent a total of 2 minutes with this dentist.  I walked in thinking well, this is it.  I had a good run.  Twenty one years.  I'll move on.  When I was walking out the dental te...