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Not meant as an insult, but feels like an insult

 So yeah, I got another fat girl shirt the other week.  I thanked the person and walked away with it to my room where I put it in my hamper for washing. I heard "It's a 3X!  Just because it's a 3X doesn't mean I think you're a 3X!"  Thanks.  And for the record.  No.  I'm not that size.  And there is nothing wrong with that size.  It just feels like you're fat so here's some clothes that don't fit me anymore because I don't weigh as much as you.  I had my back to her and nodded.  I took it like I usually do The next day I got asked if I tried it on and I said no.  I was going to wear the shirt for bed.  I wear a lot of knit pants and t-shirts for sleep and I thought the shirt would be good for that.  Pink is really not my color as it is so I thought it would be better for that.  I heard, I didn't wear it for sleeping. I wore it out.  Well you and I are different.  Please stop and don't do that again. Wil...
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Mid Term Madness

 I don't know if I can watch the mid terms in a couple of weeks.  It's so high stakes and I don't know if I can take my heart breaking in a million pieces like it did 2 years ago.  I am feeling hopeful just not that hopeful.  Dirty tricks worry me. I watched the debate with David Crowley last night. I wish I would have gone to that meet and greet in Bay View back in March when he was here.  My mind was kind of made up at that time and I passed.  We always go for the razzle dazzle with candidates. I really like that Crowley is a nerd and his life growing up was hard.  Maybe I don't agree with everything he's done but I know he'll watch out for the people and not pick our pockets.  Looking at you, Tom Tiffany.  What in the world was he babbling about when he talked about Zucker bucks?  Unreal. I still have a fair amount of post cards to get out. I have until Monday to get everything out but I'll have most of it done by Sunday at the latest...
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The Shyness Factor

 It only took me about a month to make this last appointment but I did it yesterday afternoon. I was ok that it's three months from now.   Why the hesitation?  The person I see is so handsome and sweet looking.  I hate that I say absolutely stupid stuff in front of this person.  They are always so kind to me.   No, there's no chance this person would ever have an interest in me and well they're already in their own situation so this is a No way in hell situation. Do I think they're awesome at what they do?  Yeah, I do.  I wouldn't want to go elsewhere. Have I ever had a thought about making out with this person in my head?  OMG Yes.  Yes.  And yes. I'll be fine.  I have to work on not saying anything stupid so I got three months to prepare. Why oh why did this person have to be so damn adorable?  Ugh. 
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Feeling Guilty

I don't feel like I was at my best when company was here.  I felt off and I hate that. I cried last night feeling guilty about it when I went to bed.  I just felt overwhelmed.  What's new?  I know. I'm still dealing with a new cat.  She has been tied up in my room for the last week.  She will be sweet and affectionate and this morning, I reached over to pet her and she was going to bite my hand. I pulled it away and walked out of the room.  I'm not doing that.  I think is she going to be like this?  I'm going to work damn hard she's not if we get company in the future.   Or if anyone wants to stay with us. This part could be considered kind of humorous.  Kind of Oh no.  Definitely embarrassing for me.  I had some stomach issues yesterday morning.  Guessing maybe anxiety so I had to use the bathroom more.  When my nephew was cleaning up, I couldn't take it so I told my mom I had to leave to find a bathroom....
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Not Much of a Hostess

 I never would have done well if I married someone that expected me to entertain friends and family.  That's not me.  Can I be entertaining as a person?  Why, yes, I can be.  Can I make prepare meals, get rooms ready for people to stay over?  Noooooo.   I've spent my week herding cats.  I was afraid Honey Bear wasn't going to want to have anything to do with Kringle.  She hid under my mom's bed the first night and came out in the middle of the night. I thought she was doing well when she came rushing into my room only to find a ball of fluff chasing after her.  She went under my bed.  Oh well.  We tried. She has been exiled to my room.  Can't say I enjoy a litter box in my room but I'm glad she's using it.  I've had to herd poor Kringle out of there when he tried to eat her food.  She's getting bolder.  She chased him out this morning without slapping him.  I let him eat her dry food while she slep...
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And so it's Friday

Glad the week is ending.  I will have company by the end of the week. I hope Honey Bear does well with Kringle and Daisy.  Especially Kringle. I hope she doesn't have a set back.  She seems to be getting more comfortable each day.  Her and Kringle are the same age so hoping they might play together instead of her hiding under mine or my mom's bed. I was going through some old pictures of Precious.  I watched a video of her kneading and purring next to me.  I sound like a sap don't I?  Well this one is still hitting me hard.  You know, people don't get someone's journey like mine.  It seems like there's a lot of "Not for me" when it comes to getting something.  It just seems like a lot of things don't happen.  It was my hope growing up that I'd have my own family.  Then I thought maybe I'd find a good partner even if kids weren't possible.  Then I found what I thought was my family really wasn't when it came to work.  ...
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The Loneliness of it all

I heard from my sister last night.  Her brother in-law is back in the hospital and I don't think he has much time left.  He's been having his own cancer battle for the last six years and well, fuck cancer.  That's all I got.  I'm so sorry for him. His wife on the other hand is causing problems with his last wishes.  He would like to go to hospice.  She would like him home. I'll take Option A over her.  She's prepared to do battle.  They told her it was his wish.  She doesn't think he can make decisions.  I don't care how drugged up he is.  I think he means it.  I would mean it.  Let me be in peace damn it.   I have no problem saying yeah, I'm lonely.  I'm also aware that you can even be lonelier in a relationship and I was.  Do I ever think the few relationships I had would have lasted my cancer diagnosis?  No. I don't think the few I dated would have cared or would have made it about them.  I...
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