When is my time?

Kind of a quieter week with people being out due to spring break, the holiday, all that good stuff.  Nice to catch up on some things.  I don't miss the keeping up with the joneses moments I'd have to hear.  Oh boo hoo, I don't know if I have the right shoes for London.  Sigh.  I can relate.

I thought I'm such a grouchy bitch when I think about those things.  You are an unhappy person I told myself.  

Do I want to do the things that people do?  Not really. I don't know what it is.

I think of Cassie telling someone that I'm an unhappy person after she got promoted.  That stung because I thought is she right?  Maybe.  I don't know.  I'm not a saint.

I look at her life.  She traveled around the country to follow the Grateful Dead when she was in her 20s.  When she got married, she stayed home with her girls until they were in school for awhile and she got her paralegal certificate from MATC.  Then she got a job with a bank that she wound up going back to after she left us years ago and she retired early.  She even interned with a judge when she was at MATC.

Maybe resentful is the proper word.  It was the statement of I didn't sign up to be just a legal assistant.

News flash. I didn't sign up for the jobs that I've had either.  I would have loved to have interned with an advertising agency or a TV station in college.  I needed to get paid.  I didn't really have the transportation.  When I graduated, there wasn't any jobs. You took what you could and hoped maybe you could move up or get the experience for something better.  

I didn't have the same opportunities Cassie had and you know, I can't fault her for getting the good breaks.  It was the bad attitude that came with it.  It was the I'm entitled to this that made me angry with her when she told me about her promotion.  She hadn't even been with us for a year and I had spent a couple of months training her the lowly position that she thought was so beneath her.  

My mom would tell me not to feel funny when I would see her vacations posted on Facebook all the time.  She did go to London but no, she never bemoaned about shoes or anything like that.  When she retired, it hit a nerve that she said her husband was going to pick up the load.

She always got to run away from her problems.  If things got tough?  She'd say her husband would tell her that she could quit.  

I don't get to run away from my problems.  When I had my second surgery, I messed up my IV and well, let's just say I destroyed a bathroom so I had to have someone do my IV again.  Cassie looked away when the guy came in with his big needle and she said How can you stand that?  I said do what you're doing.  Look away.

I've known one too many Cassies in my lifetime.  Entitled.  They always have someone that helps them out or they have a connection.  

I had to do what I can to survive.  I don't have connections. I don't know people who can help me.  I've had to figure it out on my own.

I would hear, someday, things will get better for you, Connie.

I waited a long time.  I've moved on.  My time doesn't exist.

Sometimes I just kind of get tired of the Cassies and Lois of the world.  They have no idea what it's like to be someone like me.

Maybe it's because they're weak.