The Life I Sometimes Think About

There's a name that I came across yesterday that I think is a lovely name.  It's the name Grace.  There is something calming and sweet about that name.

If I had had a daughter, I would have liked to have given her the name Grace.  See, if you say that out loud, you're made to feel pathetic or sad because you think you missed out on having children.  That just irritates me and just frustrates me.  I'm allowed to share something I had wished for long ago.  I'm allowed to admit my feelings period.  It doesn't mean I'm going to go adopt a baby or cat and call her Grace.  I'm allowed to have those thoughts and I'm so tired of people bashing me down for admitting anything like that regarding kids.

Anyway, now that my rant is over.  Yeah, I would have liked to have had a little girl or boy.  I always liked the names Owen or Jason. They bound sound like such calming names just like Grace.  

I didn't dream of a perfect life.  I dreamed of a life with a husband who was kind and nice.  He was kind of this unexpected funny that threw me off guard and knew how to make me laugh.  He'd be kind of tall, glasses, maybe a teacher or some type of job that helps people.  We would have been a team and maybe not forgotten each other even after having kids.  I know sometimes people get wrapped up with their kids that they lose each other and forget who they were.  We wouldn't have.  When Grace or Owen went off to college, it would be a really cool chapter for us as a couple.  

So no, I don't spend my days longing for that.  It's ok that I had dreams of stuff like that. I know my life is different and I wish people would just understand that.  I didn't have the things that everyone else and I accepted it.  I see the path that Corinne took.  It was a hard path and it really turned out so well for her with her husband.  That story gives  me hope.

Do I still dream?  In a different way.  Maybe I'd meet someone at a library in passing that catches my attention.  I'm looking for a book for mom as usual and he's looking for information.  He's my age, greyer than me because I'm still working on my own.  He might be someone with grown kids and divorced.  He was looked as just a cog in a machine in his family and wasn't really seen.  He's amused by my messy ways and I adore his shyness and kindness.  We start a really beautiful chapter where we see each other.

This is why I do a blog.  I can't say some of these things out loud because someone always has to throw out their advice or correct me.  This is what I mean about not being seen.

Yeah.  I'm feeling less melancholy today.

I hope the good humans have a good day.  

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