I Don't Know Her

I was thinking about my step mother the other day.  She had passed a few years ago.  My sister had reconnected with her some time ago and my half sister.  I didn't.  My step mother did try to reach out to me through Facebook a few years before she passed.  I never responded.

No, I don't feel guilty.  I am sorry that she passed.  I just didn't have any interest in forming a new relationship or reconnecting.  I was and am still good.

She wasn't a horrible person by any means.  I felt like she tolerated me growing up.  She did her duty.  That's what a step mom does.  I probably spent more time with her than my dad when I went to go see them on a weekend and I didn't have bad times with her.  She could be a lot of fun.  My dad worked third shift so he seemed to sleep a lot when we were there.  Go figure.  Not complaining just a fact.  We hung out with my step-mom and her two daughters with her first husband who passed from cancer years earlier.  We also had our baby half sister that we spent time with as well.  

They weren't bad times.  They were times that I wanted to be home.  I get why parents stay for the sake of the kids because it really sucked being away from my step-dad and mom.  Maybe it was my age when this all happened but I felt lonely and didn't connect with my every 3 months weekend family.  

When my dad died, we found out from my half sister.  I know the details have changed but it was heart failure at 54.  It really shocked me.  

I would get another shocker when my brother in-law asked about the funeral.  We weren't welcome.  My step-mom went on a rage about the two of us kids being such ingrates and that he tried to reach out to us.

I hadn't really thought about attending a funeral.  I had disconnected from my dad after high school.  I just couldn't deal and I ignored him.  I'm not proud to say it.  He made such a fuss about getting my high school diploma to cut me off from child support.  It was hurtful.  He referred to me as an obligation when he got asked about college.  I would have rather worked three jobs than take money from him.  I wasn't happy about the obligation comment either.  I was ok with him not paying.  I didn't want his help.  I had enough at that point.

He only tried to contact me once after graduation and I actually wasn't at home. It was for my birthday.  My mom and step-dad had taken me out to eat and he left a voice mail. I got a Christmas card and that was it . The last 5 years of his life he had no contact with me so that was so insulting to hear that he tried to reach out to me.  

Would I have liked to have had a nice relationship with my step-mom?  Yes, I would.  I would never replace my mom with someone else but I would have liked to have had a more nurturing female figure I was around on those weekends that I dreaded.  She wasn't bad, but she just made you feel like she put up with you.  She was doing you a favor. 

I don't want to be anyone's obligation.  I wanted to feel welcome and I didn't.  

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