The Invisible Woman Chronicles

 I realized after my last post I had suffered from my own TMI earlier posts about whether I needed to cancel my colonoscopy. That would go over well on Facebook wouldn't it?  I realize nobody reads my posts but if thete is a random reader I'm sorry. Its been a long life. 

 First up, you're a bunch of jerks.  If you think we all get delighted by your latest post of going to yoga class with your other jerky friends in your tight leotard, we regret turning our computers on when we see that crap. We also don't want to hear how great your 400 pound attorney husband is because he protects you for the goddess that you are.  He's 400 pounds, he can protect a lot of people.  And although I love my fried chicken and have a love of sweets, I would never bully a woman online for a comment like your husband did to me.  If that was my 400 pound husband, I would not want him starting fights on Facebook with other women.  And for the love of all, I don't need to see you, your daughter and definitely not your husband in 80 pictures that involve swimsuits and exposed body parts.  Ever hear of that Photoshare thing that you can send to a picture frame and share amongst yourselves?  Please do.  Facebook doesn't need to your butt ...

 Well we had our landlord here to fix the toilet.  The chain broke.  And it's old.  Kind of like me.  When I went to flush the first time, we had to push down hard on it.  I panicked and had my mom help me. I was afraid it would overflow and I didn't do anything bad. The landlord had said to keep an eye on it because it's old and he may need to replace some of the parts.   That's awesome. I got a test next month that may require me to spend quality time in the bathroom. Sigh.  I am going to postpone a test for now.  If they want to reschedule for 6 months, ok, I can do that.  The person that called me made out like this was an exclusive engagement and I should be so lucky to get that phone call.  No, I'm not lucky and if I get any grief, I'm going to ask if I can spend the night using their bathroom if they're so hell bent on me having this test. I don't ignore my health.  I could use a break for a few months.  I woul...

 It was a little bit of a quieter week and was able to catch up on some things at work while one person was out.  It's been a less stressful with my new assignment even if the volume of work appears to be stressful at times.  No monster lurking as much and I'm grateful for that. Last night I think had an affect on me.  My step-dad was an alcoholic.  I knew that growing up.  He was a high functioning one.  He took care of everything the best we could and my mom worked off and on.  My mom struggled with mental health and fibromyalgia.  She had horrible migraines when she worked in a factory that would knock her out for a few days. Leading up to my dad's death, my mom revealed last night that there wasn't enough money for the rent.  After 26 years my dad lost his job with one day notice.  Not his fault.  It was the son of the owner who took it over and let my dad go.  He lost the business.  My dad gave it all and still w...

 I am sad.  It came over me the last hour. I think Saturday nighrs just make me sad I'll have pizza with my mom tomorrow. I might not feel so bad the next day Its just not easy when a holiday comes up

 My friend Corinne told me about her future travels with her husband and I am happy for her.  I'm not going anywhere on vacation this summer or probably any summer.  I don't have a husband.  I'll probably never have one, not even a boyfriend.  I am happy for Corinne.  She is my friend and her happiness makes me happy.  That's how it should work amongst women friends. I'm just hoping she'll stop in Milwaukee and say hello to my mom and I.  I have been plagued all my life with mean girl women in one way or another and I'm so tired of that type and their jealousy issues.   Leave me alone. I'm battered and bruised enough from their claws. I am adjusting and finding my grove with my new work assignment and I am really feeling better.  I don't like how I got to this place.  I don't like what had transpired the last 2 years. The monster who shall not be named.  She got her way.  She got what she wanted and she's even more ar...

 I am getting a hair cut tomorrow at the beauty school in downtown Milwaukee.  I have been going there the last year and I'm happy with the results.  And happier with the price. Last year, when I was going to put poor Precious through diabetes treatment, I was panicked about what I was going to do for money.  Everything was pilling up financially for her treatment and I was going along with it.  The vet had sent medicine to a pharmacy across the street from where I went and got my hair cut and colored.  As I'm feeling overwhelmed, I saw the salon and wondered why the hell do I keep going there? I can't afford them.  I quit.  I cancelled 5 years of appointments on my phone when I got home and said every time in my note "I can't afford you."   Nobody ever called me about what I did.  Not shocked.  It was just my eyes opened up that this was so stupid. I went there because of my infamous former nail tech and fake friend had me get...

 Well a good night's sleep made me feel better after last night.  I thought, new day, let's see what happens.  I felt like I had more energy for my walk up and down the hill.  It didn't seem like a chore like it had been for months. I saw that Oprah talked about being on a weight loss drug and dumping Weight Watchers. I don't blame her.  No, I would never go on a weight loss drug or even ask for it. I would worry about side effects and I had enough of drugs and shots.  No thanks.  I don't blame her for dumping Weight Watchers. I did Weight Watchers off and on for about 10 years.  I did it from 2000 to 2002 initially off and on and did lose 30 plus pounds.  Here's the thing with weight loss.  Everyone has an opinion and they'll tell you what it is. I always had a weight problem.  I was usually 5 pounds overweight as a kid.  Just kind of had that little bit of a belly even at my thinnest.  No add about 55 pounds.  Maybe...

 And I'm home with my mom watching TV.  She's sleeping.  I am just crying.   Not a lot.  Just feel a little weepy.  Feeling lost.  And like once again, who will listen to me?   I know, I waxed on about my wonderful friend Corinne.  Well Corinne has had a lifetime of loneliness and has her happily ever after.  I know she'll listen, but I also wish there was something closer who could at least come over and talk to me. Even if it's for 20 minutes. We drove around the south east side of Milwaukee and St. Francis border.  We found one four family that looked interesting but there was no pets allowed.  When I looked at the ad longer, there seemed to be some discrepancies with the ads that I see.  It's another scam.  When I read reviews of the property company, it was just frightening. Yeah, I'm afraid of being homeless.  I'm afraid of not being able to afford my current place.  I am really really afraid...

 There usually was a standard set with me for the few relationships I had.  I am a busy person and I probably won't have much time for you. Sounds like my biological dad, but ok.  I never had any expectations of any friendships or relationships.  I was happy when I heard from someone.   My friend that has kind of drifted away from me didn't respond to my messages for awhile and I accepted that. I didn't get mad or anything.  She has kids, a husband. My dopey messages should be nobody's priority.  As I get older, I understand even more that people are busy.  I'm not, but I'm boring.  Sometimes I'm tired so I'm ok if I don't hear from someone on a Monday night. I want to watch Anderson Cooper.  Yeah, I am boring. It wasn't until Corinne and I started talking that I realized, if people wanted to be in my life, they would make time for me.  I didn't hear from Corinne yesterday and I didn't think OH SHE HATES ME!  Corinne has a...

 Just another Saturday morning.  I might wind up driving around in an futile effort to find For rent signs.  Ugh, what a mess the housing situation has become.  I am scared about it.  I just try to keep one foot forward and hope for the best.  It's all I can do.   I have voter letters and postcards to mail.  It's become my creative activity at night to write with the neatest penmanship to people to get out and vote.  Or I'll wind up in jail with all of the MSNBC people for not supporting the orange menace.  He frightens me.  I tell my mom he won't win but I'm not sure.  It's reassurance for her, not me.  Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to elections. I'm not happy with what my pharmacy did to my mom.  Kind of makes me not want to shop there as often.  It's like 6 blocks from my house so yeah, I'm an idiot if I drive over to Greenfield for my Sparkling Ice water.  Although I will be in Lois' ne...

 I am a little taken aback hearing about Kate Middleton having cancer.  I didn't think what the big deal was about her not being out and about.  People are so ridiculous.  I think one rumor said she was having a Brazilian butt lift.  I hope that person burns in hell for that comment. I realize she's a public figure but she's also a mom to three little kids under the age of 10.  Let her process this information.  Let this sink in for her and her family.  Not only are those kids having to deal with their mom being sick but their grandfather is going through treatment. I wouldn't have kept my own diagnosis quiet if I was around people who were nice and understanding, not a bunch of jackals.  Well, not all.  But a good part.  I worked with a really good group of women in my middle twenties and I regretted leaving.  The company isn't there but I wouldn't have had a problem opening up about what was happening.   That dumb m...

 I don't know why but there's someone I deal with who makes me nervous.  I'm afraid he's going to blow up at me. I had one stupid incident.  It's not his fault I am the way I am and I might have misinterpreted the anger.  Not sure.  My very first job I got paired up with the most angriest adjuster and when I would make a mistake or if someone he dealt with made a mistake, he would call up and go off on me.  I took it a lot.  I had the occasional crying moment after I got off the phone but it was something I was used to. It seemed like it happened off and on where someone's anger would just get the best of me.  When I sold shoes, we had a policy of not returning used shoes.  When someone called me one night, I told them our policy.  We were separate from the rest of the store, we fell under a different company.  The store manager on duty came downstairs to scream at me.  It was someone from corporate.  He never even let me ...

 I had gotten an invite to join a virtual call for the person who is retiring. I really thought about it all morning wondering if I should.  When the call happened, I was able to tap into who was in the call. Frick.  That killed it for me. Frick happened to work with this person for a few years.  How unfortunate.  I suspected that this nice soon to be retiree had Frick's number but was way better about hiding it then the rest of us.  That's why this woman was awesome.  Frick was not. Frick was one of three people that got hired over a 6 month period many years ago.  Actually she started a week later than she was supposed to because her son was sick with the flu.  Well that happens and that was awfully generous that she was able to change her start date.  When she showed up, she sat in front of me and I introduced myself. I had come in late because I had to drop my mom off at some social services office on Mitchell Street.  She just ...

 I took a lot of grief about my looks as a kid. I don't have a big nose, but I have a nose that attracted bullies.  I got called The Elephant Man in grade school.  Awesome, I know.  It was just crushing to get made fun of for your looks.  It's part of the reason I don't always believe someone's interest in me.  I think did someone pay them to compliment me?  Am I going to get Punked?  Ugh.  It was horrible.  Soul crushing horrible. For some strange reason, many kids thought I was Jewish and related it to my nose.  That's so wrong and insulting to any ethnic group.  For some reason, I think I went to school with some kids that had Anti-Semitic parents.  I am Polish on my dad's side, French and German on my mother's side with a small slice of English, Scottish and Irish to make me quite the ethnic mutt.  I would definitely be deported under the Trump administration.  I don't know if there is a Jewish ancestor becau...

 I have lamented on a lot of wrongs that have happened.  I have felt like I have needed to get some of this stuff out on paper or somewhere I didn't think it would be seen (sorry to the random reader who gets depressed reading a post)  I needed an outlet to get it out without being judged or having the negativity explode in me.   Do I dwell on negativity lane?  Oh, yeah.  I visit and feel crummy afterwards  I don't want to hang out there even if the snacks are way better.  I do get over things like in the case of Harold.  I was horrified to have someone dump at my lowest like the way he did.  I just thought life is never going to get better for me.  It's the end for me.   I don't know what happened, it was maybe not quite a year after getting diagnosed that I woke up and didn't feel so bad.  I had just gone for an appointment and I was told to come back in 6 months instead of 3.  It was a nice day and when I...

 I got the email notification that I had a test result later the day I had my meltdown. It's embarrassing that it happened.  I only put it in a blog maybe random people read late at night and think Oh my god, this person is a mess.  I need to read something else. It was a full blown panic attack.  I'm not like that every year I have that test.  I think Well, if I get a call back then I got enough time at work and I go through the possibilities of the worse case scenario.  It's the first year that I didn't spend my tax refund and bonus money on medical.  I figured I'd be paying on more medical.  I know an MRI will get suggested later this year but I have to say no.  At least not for a year.  I need to breathe financially when it comes to medical.  I can't take anymore.  I think I'll only have to pay for my oncology visit later this summer and for the eye doctor.  Knock on wood or formica.  Or anything.  My mom has...

 I didn't get this warm fuzzy feeling that everything was going to be ok after my test. I look for signs and sometimes there's no sign. Its just how things go. You want that reassurance but the process has to get explained Its the wait game thats the hardest.  I don't notmally cry after this test but I am today. I had a stressful year financially. I thought this morning maybe I could help my mom pay some of her medical. I thought I don't know if I can I don't know why I feel terrified all of a sudden  

 Well I have that yearly test I dread. The one that flipped my world upside down 9 years ago.  It still makes me nervous.  I take nothing for granted.  I take the day off out of my own superstitious worries.  I took a half day off the last time I had a biopsy.   It was the last biopsy that was horrible.  The radiologist couldn't have been more rude and treated me like a specimen while I was tearful.  When you get a diagnosis, you think well, a lot of people survive from it.  Olivia Munn just came out she dealt with it.  When I got called back the 2nd time, I thought I'm not going to live very long. I went online and read the report and sobbed.  I thought I'm going to die.  I'm going to die and leave my mom alone.  It's been hard. Not to say the first time wasn't bad.  The tech looked at me funny when we finished.  She asked me if I felt anything suspicious and I hadn't.  That was my first warning. ...

 I am on Facebook and Instagram but I hardly use it.  I do have a Pinterest account that I used for awhile but mostly I look but don't touch.  I look for pictures of my grand niece on Facebook when my niece posts but she's busy moming so hard and she's not a show off even though my little grand niece is totally worth it.  I message my friend Corinne through both apps with funny political memes or a short message on how things are going.  That's about it.  I had Tik Tok during the pandemic but deleted it because some of the videos supporting Trump and it's gotten out of control.  I had SnapChat for a short period of time, but I wound up deleting it.   I was excited for Facebook and I friended everyone I could back then when it started, even classmates I hated.  I did make the exception on the bully who called me a dirty Jew and thought I should be put in an oven.  Some kids you don't forget.  I thought it was a chance to be soci...

 Well I'm doing ok healthwise other than needing to lose a lot of weight.  My sinus infection seems to be doing better.  My mom seems to be doing better with her sinus infection.  And with falling in the basement. I wish I knew what to do about my living situation.  We went to look at a 4 family on the southwest side of Milwaukee, not too far from where we used to live.  The person never showed up and we were relieved.  The place looked trashy and claustrophobic and we were only in the hallway.  That was not great. My friend is turning my neighbor in for the dog poop and I love her for it.  I may not love the reaction I get from the neighbor downstairs but I'm exhausted from this criminal.  He has stolen thousands!  Thousands!  And he sits outside on the porch like a hillbilly with his two dogs and never does a thing all day.   When we came home from the ER Monday night, our neighbor turned off the yard light and our ...

 It was 11 years ago.   What's a name of someone who seems innocent and really isn't?  I'm going to go with Betsy.  Sweet innocent looking Betsy who started with us and everyone fell in love with her and her sweet demeanor.  I actually worked with her on a case at her old firm and she was really nice.  I was excited that she was joining us.  I wasn't on the same team with her but happy that she was sitting across from me.  She had just had her second baby and wanted a job that would allow her to spend time with her family.  We all adored her and she was so kind to my friend when she started. Things cracked.  Betsy was not happy with my friend's work.  My friend really wasn't happy at the time.  I think she lost her way for the last few years and had enough.  Betsy was determined to drive her out and she succeeded.  I was puzzled by the situation.  I knew my friend was set in her ways and maybe did things the...

I have heard the phrase "I'm here for you" if you need it many times.  And no that hasn't been the case. Lip service. I hate saying that because it makes me sound so bossy and  demanding.  I am not. It would have been nice if I got a text checking in on me when I was at the ER Monday night. Sometimes a good joke helps. It doesn't make my problems go away but laughter can heal. Sitting with me would help. I sat at almost all of my appointments alone. You don't have to talk but someone sitting beside me would have helped. Being a friend to my mom. She's a nice lady and an aggravating lady but she can be pretty wicked funny. Sometimes company for her makes me less stressed. Not a big list really. And yet all i get are empty words. Might as well throw them in a trash can.

 So my mom wound up in the ER Monday night.  She's fine.  She is tougher than she realized.  We're lucky it wasn't as bad as we worried it might be.  She didn't even have a bruise on her face. Now the worrying begins about the bill.   Here's my thing with some people.  I don't know how to say this without sounding like a jerk.  Telling me Oh, that must have been a tough night for you.  NO KIDDING!   It's the equivalent of thoughts and prayers with comments like that which makes me nuts. And I hate that I feel that way. I dislike that I feel like anyone owes me anything.  No.  They don't.  I am overwhelmed and tired.  Tomorrow I'm going to try to make an appointment for my mom to see if she can get her sinus infection taken care of. A friend of mine would like to find a way to get rid of the neighbor downstairs.  Now this what I'm talking about.  No, she can't get rid of him, but sometimes a person ...

 My mom tripped and fell on the bottom step leading to the basement today so I am at urgent care Listening to the sounds of people helping me . . : crickets 

 Tomorrow we are going to stop by an open house at a 4 family building.  It sounds in our price range and the neighborhood is decent.  We drove by and it seems ok. I don't know why I want to be back in my old home.  Maybe the neighborhood than the old home.  I miss my old neighborhood and it's changed where I don't know if I would like it. I grew up in South Milwaukee.  There wasn't anything there and there wasn't anything to do.  We lived 5 blocks from Lake Michigan and I had no friends. I had friends but they never lasted. Once we moved to Bay View, I lost any friends that I had.  I made new ones and I felt like I belonged at the time.  The people I came across were working class and I felt more in synch. Now Bay View is the "happening" place where all the cool people hang out.  Great.  Thanks for making rent higher.  Jackasses.   I thought my next door neighbor would have helped me with the monster downstairs and n...

 I set up a camera last week that was relatively simple to see if anyone was coming in when we were gone.  We've had a couple of strange incidents where we haven't been able to find something or all of a sudden, the item were looking for appears out of nowhere. Does it sound like I'm paranoid about the monster downstairs?  Yeah.  I am.  He does it to us though.  He hasn't worked in maybe 2 years and even when he had his fake business he was home most of the day.  He would just collect money and never do anything or pay anyone.   He spends most of his days hiding in his apartment or sitting on the porch while the dogs bark at everything and everyone.    When we had our incident back in late November with him when he had the lights off and a big man in the basement, he said to my mom, "Are you paranoid?" I heard him.  There was something creepy about the way he said it.  My mom responded with two words and went back up the s...

 On my morning route of errands and walks and listening to the latest Audible find (Rachel Maddow's Prelude), I stopped at Whole Foods.  The store had some items I could scan for my ShopKick app and I thought I'd get a few things.  That's kind of a Treat Yo Self store.  They have some this candy that isn't so high in sugar and god knows I need to be less high on sugar.   Their escalator was out so I got on the elevator with two women.  One had done her shopping for the week and the other had a small bag like me.  The one with the small bag got out of the elevator first and I looked over to the woman with the shopping cart to let her go before me.  She smiled and motioned for me to go first.  I thanked her and left. Ever get the feeling from a person that they are just a good human?  Oh plenty of people have let me step off the elevator before them and I thank them, but I never get this feeling like I just met someone really nice....

 I felt bad when I had talked about a friend who had kind of disconnected from me the last few years and I deleted my post. Anything I say is not a mention of Oh, my friend sucks.  She left and I hate her.  No.  I'm sad and wonder was I a friend?  Was I just a charity case?  After her last message I felt kind of like I was just a distant relative. I get it.  People move on.  We are in two different stages of life.  I accepted that part when she moved out of Milwaukee.   I was the one who trained her when she started where I worked 15 years ago.  She seemed so normal in comparison to the other women who nagged at me or were just rude.  I felt like she was someone I could talk to and I really liked her.  She had maybe not been with us a year when she got promoted. I didn't know what her interests were but when I heard that, I felt bad.  I felt worse when I heard that the new group of women hugged her and they jumpe...