The Week in Review - Truth can really hurt

 It was a little bit of a quieter week and was able to catch up on some things at work while one person was out.  It's been a less stressful with my new assignment even if the volume of work appears to be stressful at times.  No monster lurking as much and I'm grateful for that.

Last night I think had an affect on me.  My step-dad was an alcoholic.  I knew that growing up.  He was a high functioning one.  He took care of everything the best we could and my mom worked off and on.  My mom struggled with mental health and fibromyalgia.  She had horrible migraines when she worked in a factory that would knock her out for a few days.

Leading up to my dad's death, my mom revealed last night that there wasn't enough money for the rent.  After 26 years my dad lost his job with one day notice.  Not his fault.  It was the son of the owner who took it over and let my dad go.  He lost the business.  My dad gave it all and still worked a second tuning pianos.

He took a job that paid less and he didn't get the piano work or try to in the last month.  If he hadn't died, we wouldn't have had the money for the rent.  They could have came to me but I didn't make much.  It was the influx of her relatives that gave her money that helped that first month.  And the insurance.

We were never left with any security.  Everything was always on the edge with him.  I can't believe he left us in that position.  He left us with a life insurance policy that took us so far and tons of bills.

My mom and I have been doing ok for 25 years without him.  We have no security either but at least we find a way to make sure there's rent money.

I think it just left me in a depressed mood that life has just been this constant struggle and it made me upset with him.  It made me realize how vulnerable we were.

I am grateful for every day.  I just wish it wasn't such a struggle.  I thought I may not have a lot more Easter or holidays with my mom. I may have to leave Milwaukee at some point and I don't want to do that.  It's my home but I know there will be change for me that's not so great and it scares me.

I am trying not to cry today but I can't stop.  I don't want to be this person.  I want life to be better. I want some security.  I don't want to keep feeling like this.  

I think do people realize how lucky they are some days that they don't have a life like this?  Do they?  

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