The Nose Knows

 I took a lot of grief about my looks as a kid.

I don't have a big nose, but I have a nose that attracted bullies.  I got called The Elephant Man in grade school.  Awesome, I know.  It was just crushing to get made fun of for your looks.  It's part of the reason I don't always believe someone's interest in me.  I think did someone pay them to compliment me?  Am I going to get Punked?  Ugh.  It was horrible.  Soul crushing horrible.

For some strange reason, many kids thought I was Jewish and related it to my nose.  That's so wrong and insulting to any ethnic group.  For some reason, I think I went to school with some kids that had Anti-Semitic parents.  I am Polish on my dad's side, French and German on my mother's side with a small slice of English, Scottish and Irish to make me quite the ethnic mutt.  I would definitely be deported under the Trump administration.  I don't know if there is a Jewish ancestor because I never took a DNA test, but it's a little twisted that grade school and junior high kids ripped on me that I was some Jewish big nosed princess.  I didn't wear a tiara and what was with the fascination with my ethnic background?  What conversations were going on at home with some of my classmates?

It made me go deeper into my hole of shame and feeling unloved.  Nobody would like the Elephant Man.  If it wasn't the nose, it was that my eyebrows were too thick.  I got called Eagle Eyebrows and told that I looked like the eagle from the Muppet Show.  I also got told I had the nose of Snuffaluffagus.  Apparently I was a Jewish Muppet in the eyes of Lakeview school 5th graders.

In the sixth grade, I got hit in the face by a girl.  It kind of shifted my nose a tiny bit and made my situation worse.  By the time I got to junior high I wanted to crawl under a rock with the bullying.  I was told I would be f-able if I wasn't so effing ugly by a boy who grabbed in a place where Donald Trump has grabbed people one day.  I felt like a freak and disrespected.  I thought I'm going to be the ugly girl that people are going to throw rocks.  I moved on from being an ugly muppet to having people ask me if that was a banana on my face.  Cruel.  Ugly cruel people.  One girl would talk loudly about how girls like me get nose jobs because that's what Jewish girls get when they turn 13.  Really?  Enough with the incorrect ethnic racist comment, idiot.

My parents thought maybe I should have a rhinoplasty.  I had trouble with my breathing and they weren't sure if it was from getting hit.  They also knew that I was very unhappy with the nose jokes.  I had a girl tell me I was so ugly I should drown myself in Lake Michigan.  It was a lot for me to take and it took a toll on my mental health.

I did have the surgery and I thought my life would magically change.  It didn't.  It wasn't like I was transformed into Valerie Bertinelli who was the ideal girl in my young mind.  I was still me.  My ridge was fixed but the bullying didn't stop and people never noticed anything about me.  Our schools were broken up into grade school, junior high and senior high.  Once I got to senior high, life became more bearable. It didn't mean I didn't get picked on, but it seemed like it lightened up or people moved onto a new target.

I had my moments over the years where things were said about me that were hurtful.  I had some kids yell at me and a boyfriend one night that he should throw a bag over my head and well I'll give you a hint that they suggested something that started with the letter F.  Stick and stones never broke my bones, but nasty name calling broke me at times. 

I am more comfortable with who I am with my looks.  It's the things that made me so imperfect that make me - ME.  It made me appreciate those imperfections that other people have and well, not be a shallow jerk.  I don't have a perfect nose, but my nose works for me.  My ears stick out.  I got a faded birthmark on my face.  I've had people comment on my walk and realize they're kind of an ass when they realize that's my walk after they ask me what's wrong.  It's who I am. 

I feel bad that young girls use all those filters on social media to look good.  I get it.  I've used it too since I'm not always a fan of how red and flushed my face looks at time. 

It's the things that make us imperfect that make us right in other ways.

And for crying out loud what was with the fascination of people thinking I was Jewish?  It was a really weird thing.  And if I was?  So what?

We're all different.  It's ok.