I am going to go there

 I felt bad when I had talked about a friend who had kind of disconnected from me the last few years and I deleted my post.

Anything I say is not a mention of Oh, my friend sucks.  She left and I hate her.  No.  I'm sad and wonder was I a friend?  Was I just a charity case?  After her last message I felt kind of like I was just a distant relative.

I get it.  People move on.  We are in two different stages of life.  I accepted that part when she moved out of Milwaukee.  

I was the one who trained her when she started where I worked 15 years ago.  She seemed so normal in comparison to the other women who nagged at me or were just rude.  I felt like she was someone I could talk to and I really liked her. 

She had maybe not been with us a year when she got promoted. I didn't know what her interests were but when I heard that, I felt bad.  I felt worse when I heard that the new group of women hugged her and they jumped up and down in glee when they found out she would be joining them.

I'm all for someone advancing themselves. I didn't know she was interested.  I wasn't upset that she got promoted.  I felt sad that I would be losing her from our group.  I'd be back to getting badgered by the old bats in our group and wouldn't have a friend to commiserate with during those moments.

When she told me, I said I heard the news and congratulated her. I said I didn't know she was interested in moving on and she said she didn't sign up to be an assistant.  It wasn't said in the most delicate way.  It kind of felt like it was a charade that she was only nice to me to get ahead and be done with people she deemed beneath her.

I did feel like that when I found out she bad mouthed me to someone higher up and it got repeated to me.  I thought back in high school again.  Great.  I didn't say much to her other than hi and bye over the months that passed and then I wound up on her team and I thought is this going to be ok?

It was.  It turned out to be a lot of fun with the people that we worked with and we got along great.  Once in awhile, I would get reminded of my place though.  When she wound up leaving, she was in a stressed out place and I was the one that walked out with her and hugged her.  We kept in touch and met up to talk about work and things going on in life.  I really appreciated that our friendship made a come back.

I didn't expect her to show up when I found out I had cancer.  She took me for my biopsy and was there when I had the bad news.  She offered to take me for surgery and my sister was coming so I told her she didn't have to but she wanted to show up.  She wound up taking me for the second surgery that I needed.  She showed up.  I was so grateful.

I also feel like there was a part where I couldn't talk about that part of my life. I tried talking about the pain I felt from treatment and she didn't need to know about my bad sunburn.  I was in horrible pain before I finished radiation treatment. I was thinking about the time that I put Nair on my armpits for too long and burned them so badly I ached for 2 weeks.  I was talking about overall pain, not where the pain was located.  

No, to be honest, I really couldn't talk about some of the stuff that I went through and if I did, I was met with silence. I thought she would understand at times because she went through her own mental health issues.

This last year was a year of angst for me.  I thought that I was going to lose my cat and Precious was the one that went through cancer treatment with me.  My mom got diagnosed with macular degeneration and I have been dealing with a parent who is dealing with vision impairment.  I have been dealing with a neighbor who has been a bully to my mom and I at times and there has been nothing that we can do about it.  We deal with a rent increase of $250 just as I finished up with cancer treatment.

I don't expect anyone to solve my problems. It would have been nice to hear a kind word.  I wouldn't hear from her for weeks on end.  I did get an offer for money to move and I said I don't have a place. I need help with finding an affordable place.  

I tried to keep my messages more neutral and kind of insignificant when we would exchange them aftert that.  

I think the one time that I would have liked to have heard a kind word is when I told her I felt so embarrassed and shame of the picture I saw of myself with my grand niece.  I felt so awful about the weight I had gained and I hated myself.  I absolutely hated myself and I told her I felt that way.

I heard nothing.  She never acknowledged that.

I always responded right away when she had moments like that.  I think that's what bothers me.  I understood those bad moments and how it felt and wanted her to know it'll be ok.  You're not alone.

I guess I am.

I feel guilty that I feel kind of upset about how she's turned a deaf ear.  I wasn't that person who cried every week and called her up.  I have a lot of guilt about what I did share.  I thought maybe I was a burden.

I am kind of thinking I was a burden for her.

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