I'm Ok. For Me

 I got the email notification that I had a test result later the day I had my meltdown.

It's embarrassing that it happened.  I only put it in a blog maybe random people read late at night and think Oh my god, this person is a mess.  I need to read something else.

It was a full blown panic attack.  I'm not like that every year I have that test.  I think Well, if I get a call back then I got enough time at work and I go through the possibilities of the worse case scenario.  It's the first year that I didn't spend my tax refund and bonus money on medical.  I figured I'd be paying on more medical.  I know an MRI will get suggested later this year but I have to say no.  At least not for a year.  I need to breathe financially when it comes to medical.  I can't take anymore.  I think I'll only have to pay for my oncology visit later this summer and for the eye doctor.  Knock on wood or formica.  Or anything.  My mom has medical and I can try to help her.

We drove around this weekend to look for rental signs.  We found two near St. Francis that looked decent.  One didn't allow pets.  One was a townhouse and definitely out of our price range.  

Our pharmacist at Pick n Save has been denying my mom prescriptions.  There is one woman who is telling her it's her doctor's office.  Her doctor's office has been showing her that they did not mess up.  We are going to transfer our prescriptions and have already talked to a pharmacist at Wal-Mart.  Pick N Save denied her blood pressure pills. I don't know what is wrong with them but I don't even want to step in that store.

I have been listening to Matthew Perry's book on Audible and it's so strange.  And good.  I'm listening to a ghost and I go back and forth with emotions.  I loved Chandler on Friends.  That show brought me comfort. I liked some of Matthew's movies, not all of them but I thought he was a decent actor. I thought he was horrible to some of the women he was with in the book.

Then I hear a recurring theme on how he felt not good enough. Or he wasn't enough.  I have felt like that so many many times.  I am enough for someone.  I just don't know who I was good enough for.  I cried when he talked about feeling sad about passing on Natasha Wagner, Natalie Wood's daughter.  Personally he was horrible to Natasha and so many others. I understood of feeling the sadness that you missed out on something when she told him that she just had a baby girl and was happily married.

Everyone has a different path and I know that is the case for me.  I had dreamed of having a family years ago.  I had dreams and they didn't work out.  It's ok.  I really did believe in this dream. I thought I would work as a journalist maybe for a TV station or do some type of writing, whether it's writing books.  I would meet someone funny and charming and we would laugh at the stupid people who would always keep up with the Joneses.  I dreamt of a child.  Maybe children but at least one.  Maybe a boy that knew how to handle bullies and found me annoying as a teenager but still liked me.  Or a girl that was a little bit better about sticking up for herself than I did.  And at least a dog and a cat.  The cat would be in charge of the dog, but they would still like each other.  We would be a fun family. Not a perfect family.  We would be a good family that loved each other.  And made fun of each other in a good way.  Yeah, I had dreams.  

Do I have any dreams today?  Friendship.  I do dream of friendship and having people who watch out for me and who I can be there for.  I dream about equal friendship.  Friends that made me feel better about myself.  Friends that made me laugh.  Friends that would find me funny.  Not always but even I don't find myself funny all the time.

Friends that lived in my zip code. I adore my friend Corinne but it crushes me I don't live near her.  I don't think too many things live near her and her husband but I appreciate the friendship.

I wish I didn't feel so mad at times about people with privilege because I don't know what goes on in their lives.  They seem to be better at masking their unhappiness with their social status and money. I think are their relationships good?  Are the kids out drinking all the time and getting into trouble?  I'm an open gaping wound.  Corinne asked me once if I'm the only who makes mistakes.  I said I think I might be the only one who admits them.  Not all.  No peeking at all of them!  

It's a relief to be ok.  So happy to have that test over. 

Just wish I had one friend in my zip code.  I still got a dream.