Send Me a Miracle

 Well I have that yearly test I dread.

The one that flipped my world upside down 9 years ago.  It still makes me nervous.  I take nothing for granted.  I take the day off out of my own superstitious worries.  I took a half day off the last time I had a biopsy.  

It was the last biopsy that was horrible.  The radiologist couldn't have been more rude and treated me like a specimen while I was tearful.  When you get a diagnosis, you think well, a lot of people survive from it.  Olivia Munn just came out she dealt with it.  When I got called back the 2nd time, I thought I'm not going to live very long. I went online and read the report and sobbed.  I thought I'm going to die.  I'm going to die and leave my mom alone.  It's been hard.

Not to say the first time wasn't bad.  The tech looked at me funny when we finished.  She asked me if I felt anything suspicious and I hadn't.  That was my first warning.  I got a call back within a day to come in again for an ultrasound.  In the time I waited, I saw that first tech at the grocery store.  She saw me and she looked like she saw a ghost and pushed her cart very fast and away from me.  That was my sign.

It was a relief last year when I saw that I had a test result and didn't realize it.  I thought if I'm getting an email, that's good, right?  They wouldn't email me something bad, would they?

And my mom isn't better with her cough and her fall. I have an appointment for her tomorrow in the afternoon.  What a great way to spend a day off for both of us.

I don't need thoughts and prayers. I need a miracle.

I feel alone.  

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