Weighty Matters

 Well a good night's sleep made me feel better after last night.  I thought, new day, let's see what happens.  I felt like I had more energy for my walk up and down the hill.  It didn't seem like a chore like it had been for months.

I saw that Oprah talked about being on a weight loss drug and dumping Weight Watchers. I don't blame her.  No, I would never go on a weight loss drug or even ask for it. I would worry about side effects and I had enough of drugs and shots.  No thanks.  I don't blame her for dumping Weight Watchers.

I did Weight Watchers off and on for about 10 years.  I did it from 2000 to 2002 initially off and on and did lose 30 plus pounds.  Here's the thing with weight loss.  Everyone has an opinion and they'll tell you what it is.

I always had a weight problem.  I was usually 5 pounds overweight as a kid.  Just kind of had that little bit of a belly even at my thinnest.  No add about 55 pounds.  Maybe 50. I didn't weigh myself today.  I was ok until I hit my late 20s and I didn't feel great.  

When I did lose weight, I had switched to a new doctor and they had my information and she said she had to do a double take because the weight loss had dropped so much.  She thought it was great.  I was at a healthy weight.

My co-workers felt the need to say something.  If I ate licorice, I heard you are going to gain all of your weight back.  From 2 pieces?  I walked away when someone said that to me and they sent me an angry email that they were concerned about my health.  I had someone tell me that I looked like I needed a bag of M&M's.  She looked like she needed a new hair stylist because she looked like a witch but I also had something called manners at the time.

This creepy little man that I worked with in the mailroom and stopped me to say, We need to talk.  You need to stop losing weight.  Ok, he was lying to my manager about me when it came to work and he was going to lecture me?  I said thank you for my concern but my doctor is happy with the weight that I'm at.  Jerk.

Well they would have been happy to know that I gained my weight back and then some over time.  I held my own at a certain weight for several years and it wasn't until maybe 10 or 11 years that a doctor said you're at a bad weight and I don't think you're going to be happy if you gain anymore.  She was right.

I was going through the bad time with Betsy and medicating myself with food.  So I tried my hardest to make changes.

The thing is that people are into freaking food days and get obsessed if you don't eat or if you don't want to join in.  I felt harassed when I didn't join food days.  I swear 365 days of the year would be pizza day if people had their way.  It really made me feel repulsed by pizza.

And then just as I got my mojo going with weight, I got news that I had cancer.  I did drop some weight from the stress of it.  Once I got on the medication, that was the end of me losing anymore weight.  I don't think that it makes you gain weight, but it is so impossible to lose.  I did have good moments where I would lose a couple of pounds but it was a lot of work.  My fitbit would show that I put on 60 miles for the week and most of the time, I had nothing to show for it.  It was so upsetting.

Every year, we would do the biometric screening and people would brag about their weight or how well they did.  Meanwhile, I felt ashamed that the person who did my screening would tell me that I am at an unhealthy weight and would tell me what could possibly go wrong with me if I wasn't at a healthy weight.  I felt so ashamed. I was trying. 

When people would try to tell me that they had problems with their weight and try to push food on me, I would tell them no.  Please don't.  The no listening part was really good with people when it came to weight.

I knew I got sneers and judgment about all the walking I would do.  I usually walked on my breaks and at lunch and I never lost weight.  Someone else would do a fasting and lose a ton of weight. I know how that works, they'll gain it back, but meanwhile, I am going nowhere in the weight loss department.  I'm shaky in the confidence department and it really messes with it even more when you are at a standstill for so long.  

I gave up the last year with the drug that I was on because I was just tired.  I got the Do you need to see a therapist?  No.  I need to lose weight. I need to be a healthier weight and feel motivated.  \

Even when I started losing weight, I would hear you don't want to lose too much.  You want to keep your curves.  Stay out of my business, please.   And why are you looking at my curves, for crying out loud?  How about I would like to lose my football player shoulders?  Is that ok?   Even at my thinnest, I wasn't looking to get into a string bikini. I wanted to feel ok wearing a pair of shorts that didn't have a drawstring.  I would love to be able to wear the jeans that I could like when Covid started.  I can't right now but I'm kind of close and I'm living for that.  I would be ecstatic if I could finally wear the Obama t-shirt I got years ago that was too small for me.  Shut about how I want to look when it comes to weight loss.  You do you people and I'm going to what's best for me.  

When it comes to people commenting on weight, it's nobody's business.  My aunt had said to me as a kid, all you do is eat.  I was 12 years old and I adored her.  She would see me eat a lot of popsicles and she said I eat too much.  Well she gained a lot when I saw her years later and I never said anything.  My grandmother would harass me about putting it on and my relatives always had something smart to say.  I tell my mom to please stop when she comes up with weight ideas.  Her side of the family was always diet crazy.  Even after I lost the weight I wanted to, I had an aunt telling me how I could lose more.  It's like shut up, please.

I don't comment on people's face tattoos or their bad spelling so keep your eyes off of how fat I am, please.