Balancing Day

I'm not so much in my feels.  I'm back to the Sunday scaries.  The last few days just felt heavy on me.

I have a 4 day weekend coming up Friday and I'm off on Monday.  I so badly need that.  I hate that last week where I had to take a little something for anxiety.  It pisses me off when people like the diva makes me take medication.  

In a way, I'm wondering if this might prompt me to pick a doctor or new primary towards the end of the year if my anxiety gets too bad this year.  I'm going to change the first of next year but it's ok if I got to do it sooner.  

I don't miss my oncologist because that means something bad.  However,  I miss her kindness and it isn't that anyone else I deal with is awful, quite the opposite but for a primary, I would like someone who will treat me with kindness and not like a joke.  

I didn't think much of father's day.  Do I miss my dad?  Yeah. I do.  There was a lot of baggage with my step dad but he was my dad.  It felt kind of weird when people talked about it online last week and I think damn.  It's been almost 28 years.  

My other dad, I guess he's the real dad even though I don't think he was, wanted my sister to steal my diploma when I graduated from high school so he could end the child support for me.  She never did that and in fact, I don't know where she was hiding that night.  He didn't need it.  He actually stayed up all night and went to the courthouse the next day to make it final.  

Yeah.  That was who I had for a dad.  I only got one message from him after that and then he died in 1994.  When my brother in-law asked my step-mom about arrangements, she laid into us about how he did so much for us and how we were not invited to the funeral.

I had no interest because I didn't know this person but I was surprised at the audacity and the coldness that she directed at two kids who didn't deserve it.  We were adults of course but how cruel.  She tried to reach out to me on Facebook several years ago and I ignored it.  It wasn't about being mad about the funeral.  It was You're done with me, so why should I want to have a relationship with her now?  I was a duty to her and my dad, so I thought, you don't need to bother. 

If I was ever a step mom, I wouldn't have acted like that.  My step mom wasn't awful but it was like she doing you all a favor.  She let her feelings be known when my dad was gone.  She had her own family so why bother with us? 

How did I get to my step mom on father's day?  Ugh.  It was another day for us.  We did our usual routine and it was a normal day.

My step-dad was horribly flawed but I considered him my dad.  Blood doesn't always mean a thing.  I learned about having a sense of humor from him.  I learned about pride and hard work.  I learned to appreciate music and take an interest in politics.  

My step-dad made a mistake long before he came into our lives and that prevented him from voting.  He went with me the second time Clinton was running and they asked him about his registration. I didn't know about it until long after he passed.  He didn't know about his rights but he could vote at that time.  I was glad to be with him when he did.  No matter how discouraged I get about politics, I got to vote.

Voting matters.  That's what I learned from my dad.



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