The Vanity

My mom offered to buy me a pair of capri pants from Kohl's.  My usual stretch ones.  She asked if I would prefer shorts.  I would prefer to not feel awkward in shorts and I passed.  I do wear shorts in the summer but I kind of hope the weather doesn't get hot because I do feel the awkward fat kid in gym class when I wear them.  

My goal for next summer?  It's not to fit in a certain size.  It's to be a size that makes me feel less awkward.  I would love to be able to wear a nice pair of cargo shorts and be able to wear the Obama t-shirt that's too small for me.

I hated hearing the conversations at work about women talking about fitting into their bikini or swimsuit.  Crash diets or workouts with their trainer.  Lamenting about how having kids ruined their figure.  I was already ahead of that curve with my love of fast food.

Damaged because you had kids?  How shallow.  I feel like I'm shallow because I feel damaged from cancer. I don't want to wear certain things because I feel like people are just going to know.  They're just going to know what happened and I got to hide it.

I was listening to Rosie O'Donnell on Andy Cohen's show talk about her face lift and she said she did the lower part of her face to fix her frown lines.  She didn't want a Kardashian look.  She wanted to look like she could smile after taking Ozempic.  

That made me wonder about Cassie.  I could see the marionette lines on her face.  She's on one of those meds.  

I remember when we went for our manicures and pedicures and she admitted that she was turning 60 at the time and hated it. I said but you're closer to retiring.  She didn't have long to work because she said her husband could pick up the slack.  Lucky guy.  She was a bitch.

I didn't know if I was going to turn 50.  

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