Under Pressure

I had a weird dream about my step dad the other night. He was with my mom and Charlotte.  He had grabbed Charlotte by the arm and sat her down. I was horrified he did that even though she was fine and coloring in her coloring book.  He was making my mom count out the money she made and when he stormed off, I said we can leave him.  She said he'll go away.

Well.  He did.  I realized that when I woke up.  I wouldn't tell my mom or she'd go off on a three hour dialogue about the things he did.  Yes.  There was a lot of bad but it wasn't some horror show either.  He had zero patience and that can be unnerving when you're a kid.

It has transferred over to adulthood.  I get beyond nervous like the world is going to end.  I hate that.  Today, I came in the alley a different way, thinking that Jeremy went to work on a Saturday.  He didn't.  Byron had his white van parked and my opening wasn't that great to get into my side of the garage.  I was hitting the recycling cans and Byron came over and had me roll down the window.  He said my car is too nice and didn't want to see it get scratched.  He moved his van and then he directed me how to get into the garage. I felt panicked and so embarrassed with me struggling.  I'm not really great when it comes to parking a car.  If I came in the other direction, I could have easily pulled in.  I felt panicked and sweated while my mom got nervous because she thought I was getting too close to Jeremy's car.

Byron was being helpful.  It wasn't his fault that I felt stupid.  I had that a lot with my dad growing up.  Byron was more patient and trying to be a friend.  It's not his fault I wanted to crawl under a rock.

I'm not going to go into a tirade about the men who verbally abused me.  I had women too.  We all remember Lois right?  

My driver's ed teacher was kind of an impatient person and I just dreaded having to take drivers ed when I was in school.  I didn't want my license.  My dad signed me up for a couple of schools.  First was EZ Driving and the driver was an asshole.  He wanted us driving on the freeway and I hated that.  I felt like crying when I did it.  Then the second teacher was from Sears and she was kind and patient woman.  I was able to parallel park. I didn't do it on the driver's test but I passed on the first try.  

It was my mom who wound up sitting with me while I practiced driving. She would fall asleep. I guess I was that scary.  

This morning, I drove to Bay View to go walk by the South Shore park. I knew there was something going on at my usual walking spot.  It was a bike race.  Anyway, someone blew their horn at me because I let a bus get in the lane that they were supposed to.  Was I supposed to get hit by a bus too? I already did the semi thing.  The bus was coming in my lane and I let it.  Meanwhile I had a big truck tailing me so I pulled over.  I hate that I'm letting drivers bully me off the road but I can't take the reckless driving.  I'm tired of the impatience.

Patience is a wonderful thing. I wish there were more people like Byron who are there to help you and not yell at you.  

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