The Invisible Woman Chronicles

I have been in a fog of sad.  I'm functioning ok but haven't really wanted to sit down and write about it because I figured it would make me feel worse.   My mom had mentioned that I don't seem to cry as much when I'm on the meds I just tapered off. I said you're sleeping when it happens but yeah, she is sort of right.  I know there's a point where I got to start the new stuff.  It'll help but as I said before, I'm just tired of being on anything.   The diva had a bit of a crying moment during a call and I got commended by others for talking nicely to her and trying to make her feel better.  The diva has been disrespectful and rude to me.  However, it doesn't mean that I don't want to see someone cry.  I got a sense she's struggling with understanding and I do feel bad. I also wish she would have listened and reached out more with questions. I did see what some of  the problems were when I took a look on my own and it just wasn't go...

I realize it seems so silly to get emotional and upset over a weight gain.  In my case, another weight gain.  People say it's a number.  Well, it's a number that's not making me healthy and that's upsetting.  After last week, I was just crushed.  I've lifted weights and people say, well muscle might add to the weight.  Not in my case.  I'm not even going to justify that part. These are the things that go through my head when I'm in my self defeated mode. I think, this is the girl that helped others with their homework and studying and wound up with a C plus on a test even though I stayed up until 3 in the morning, studying and trying to understand what I was learning.  Then getting a thank you from a friend who got an A. This is the friend who helped others and wound up with no friends. This is the woman who stayed loyal in relationships and got cheated on each time, finally dumped after cancer surgery. This is the woman who donated money or showe...

If Marvin Gaye didn't know what was going on, neither do I.  So Los Angeles is on fire this evening.  In a different manner than the wildfires.  This is the one time that I did wish I had Sling on but I would probably throw a shoe at my TV if I saw Scott Jennings on it.   I don't know what to say.  I'm not surprised and I understand the anger.  This is what we're stuck with.  A government thriving on hate.   The guys were here this weekend, working hard as usual.  I don't know anything about the equipment that that they have but what they have is nice. I was in awe of the snow blower that they put in the garage.  I am worried that the Great Fava never got the garage key back from the monster.  Hopefully the monster threw the key in the garage.  Today, I saw that Charlie put out some yard lights, a few of them.  It looked so nice and I never thought about what a difference it would make.  I hope they have fri...

I have alluded to the manager who wasn't so nice to me for many years.  It wouldn't surprise me if I found out that they had moved on at some point.  They're not a manager and they never should have been in the first place. Betty started off as a legal assistant.  She replaced Cassie.  Friendly enough but snippy and a know it all.  I noticed she spent a lot of time sitting in people's offices.  I was talking to someone about reading books and I said on a good week, I could knock out 8 books.  Betty announced "she doesn't have time to read books.  She's busy raising a family." Excuse me, Betty, but my statement wasn't directed at you and I don't recall an invite to the conversation.  It was little snips like that.  She commented that one person need more lip moisturizer in a snotty tone.   She was actually really close with Frick and they would spend hours at each other's desks talking.  And going to lunch for hours on end....

I don't like it when I go down dark door lane.  Considering how the previous two months had gone, it is a blessing that I don't have to see those people and have their lives rubbed in my face while I worry about where I'll live. I was productive but I don't feel like it.  I think it was my trip to the stupid post office.  For the life of me, I don't know why West Allis has a fit when I ask for postcard stamps.  West Milwaukee generally seems to be out of them so I wind up at Shorewood or another location to get my postcard stamps.  I don't mind if I'm out and I'm not in a rush.  I have postcards to mail in late October.   I was sweating badly waiting at the Shorewood post office.  It's normally an in and out situation.  Not today.  I thought I'll play a video game, but my fingers felt like they were sticking to my phone.  I gave up and walked out. Someone was getting passports so that was part of the hold up and for the life of...

 Top of the hill before I get to see Lake Michigan for the day.  It's always a good feeling when I make it up the hill.  

I sometimes wonder about this when I'm in a brooding mood about how I got treated at a low time in my life.  Or lowest. Would people have been relieved if I just died?   Really.  I have thought the answer was yes.  I'm not talking about my family. I am talking about those who made their discomfort known to me.   They could have had some fake ceremony and a moment of silence.  There wouldn't have been a funeral so they could have forgotten about that part.  They would have excelled at pretending to care about my life if I wasn't here. Then, I had to go do something stupid and survive.  How do we deal with that?  My mentor even mentioned to me, well, you know, none of us have dealt with someone being sick.  Oh, should I get a fucking manual for that?  Excuse the F bomb but that was warranted. When I got my schedule for radiation therapy, I had wanted to talk to my manager about it and find out if it was ok.  I had gotte...