Self Defeating

I realize it seems so silly to get emotional and upset over a weight gain.  In my case, another weight gain.  People say it's a number.  Well, it's a number that's not making me healthy and that's upsetting.  After last week, I was just crushed.  I've lifted weights and people say, well muscle might add to the weight.  Not in my case.  I'm not even going to justify that part.

These are the things that go through my head when I'm in my self defeated mode.

I think, this is the girl that helped others with their homework and studying and wound up with a C plus on a test even though I stayed up until 3 in the morning, studying and trying to understand what I was learning.  Then getting a thank you from a friend who got an A.

This is the friend who helped others and wound up with no friends.

This is the woman who stayed loyal in relationships and got cheated on each time, finally dumped after cancer surgery.

This is the woman who donated money or showed a little empathy when co-workers had hardships and turned into a ghost when it came to her turn.

This is the woman who did all of her doctor appointments in a timely manner and still got sick.

This is the woman who works hard and have gotten kicked or knocked down by someone who told lies and put a mark on my reputation.

This is a woman who tries really hard and feels really alone right now.  

Maybe it's not self defeating talk.  I just feel defeated.