The Dark Things

I sometimes wonder about this when I'm in a brooding mood about how I got treated at a low time in my life.  Or lowest.

Would people have been relieved if I just died?  

Really.  I have thought the answer was yes.  I'm not talking about my family. I am talking about those who made their discomfort known to me.  

They could have had some fake ceremony and a moment of silence.  There wouldn't have been a funeral so they could have forgotten about that part.  They would have excelled at pretending to care about my life if I wasn't here.

Then, I had to go do something stupid and survive.  How do we deal with that?  My mentor even mentioned to me, well, you know, none of us have dealt with someone being sick. 

Oh, should I get a fucking manual for that?  Excuse the F bomb but that was warranted.

When I got my schedule for radiation therapy, I had wanted to talk to my manager about it and find out if it was ok.  I had gotten it on a Wednesday, I was starting in one week and I had a day off on Friday.  

She told me that she had four meetings and we had a picnic lunch so she didn't think she would have time for me.  It was very evasive and I felt like I was contaminating her office.  I actually apologized at the time.

Our stupid "theme" lunches were just that.  Stupid.  Waste of time.  I think I ate at my desk because well, I was disgusted by the whole thing.  There was always an importance of stupid stuff like that to show how close we all were.  No, we weren't.  I wasn't.

It was just easier to get my work done with me having the next day off.  I was also nervous because someone from the doctor's office had to get my paperwork in to the disability company that was covering me for my time off.  

I just kind of felt so insignificant when I could hear my manager in her office with Irma and Lorna gossiping and laughing.  It went on for about a half hour and yet, I couldn't get 15 minutes. I was an imposition.  I was vulnerable.  I needed to know my schedule would be ok.  

It was Frick that told me to email the schedule.  She said if there's any problems, you have it in writing.  Who knew Frick had some common sense?  I did what she said and I thought, that's smart.  Have a paper trail in case there's any problems.

As the day came to a close, I saw that my manager put a card on Betsy's desk and she walked away, never making eye contact with me.  Betsy handed it to me after she signed it.  It was for someone who just lost their mom.  They were taking up a collection.  One more blow for me.  I signed the card but I wasn't going to give any money and as I walked back to Frack, I saw my manager pass along the back wall, another sign that she wouldn't walk past my desk and left for the day without a word.  

She had officially blown me off.  

I thought maybe just maybe she would have responded to my email when I had time off but she didn't.  I went to her office and she told me that she had several meetings today.  I had enough and I couldn't hide my face with an "I'm so sorry."  "Ok, I understand."  No, I didn't understand.  I just shook my hand and said forget it and walked away.

She finally called me in mid morning to talk to me about it and said it was fine.  How hard was that?  I was leaving early most days and she suggested to me that I should get a life coach.

Life coach?  For what?  What is this?  She said she's used one in the past and she thought that might help me.

For what reason?  I needed a little understanding.  I needed someone to listen when I had a question.

She never told me that I had to enter my time with the disability company. I don't know how I found out.  I think I found it on some paperwork and I called the company in a panic. I think I had been doing treatment for three weeks and I thought I'm going to be in trouble.  I said my manager never told me.  They were going to contact someone about that. 

I'm sure I paid for that somehow.  Some way.  

Before I went on leave, she went back west to take care of her dying mother in-law who passed.  When I came back from leave, I found an email where the managing attorney had sent out a collection for her mother in-law's medical bills.  I got a second one as well.  

Most people had gotten something for a tragedy or an illness.  I just became a problem and treated worse.  Even my former manager told me she worried she was going to end up like me.

I told the mentor in my final email to him.  Don't you or anyone else refer to me as part of the family. I wasn't.  I was a problem for all of you because I got sick and I made you uncomfortable.  I didn't ask for it and I didn't ask for the horrible treatment I got either.  

Most of the people there lived pretty privileged lives.  They sent their kids to private school.  They went on vacation a couple of times a year.  They talked about their cars and upgrading their homes or their wives' wedding rings.  There were always talk about stupid Door County.  I'm sure Door County is lovely but hearing about it kills it for me.  

Yeah.  I do think sometimes they would have been happy if I just died.  They wouldn't have to be uncomfortable then.