The Invisible Woman Chronicles

 What does the from the river to the sea mean?  I don't like the sound of that and it seems to be the popular chant with these protestors.   And why are they hiding their faces with the masks and scarves?  Unless there's another pandemic, why hide your face?  If you got to make a stance, show your face! Cowards.  

 I am not ok watching these protests.  I don't quite understand it.  I did understand people stopping in front of a Jewish student and blocking him from going to class at UCLA.  That's not right.  I believe I heard that there was a swatstika - how do I spell that word?  It's a bad symbol. Peaceful protesting is one thing but this camping out stuff is insane.  How can anyone feel safe?   The very lovely woman I worked with who offered to let me ugly cry in her office and gave me a Whole Foods gift card so I wouldn't shoplift cookies had to pick up her little boy from the community center a few years back because of a bomb threat.   I'm not ok with this.  How can anyone feel safe?  What about the hostages in Gaza?  Is this going to help the people starving in Gaza too?   It just seems like this is some BS.  And I'm so angry about this uncommitted vote that Rashida Tlaib and Michael Moore encouraged with v...

 I took a post down about trauma.  I think after I read it again today, I wanted it gone. It is part of my memory and putting it down on paper or my imaginary paper made me feel a little better.  It didn't make it change.  I want some memories erased. When #MeToo was gaining attention in the news, Frick and Frack whined about the women coming forward, like why wait after 30 years?  Why didn't they say anything initially?  I said because they figured nobody would listen and is that something that anyone really wants to talk about?  You're embarrassed, humiliated and feel scared.  You just want to forget some things happened.

 I do have a dad.  He died about 31 years ago come June.  My mom has often wondered if maybe she should have stayed married to him and ignored his hatefulness.  She said we might have had been better off financially.  She was feeling frustrated by the price of housing and how we were at a loss financially when my step-dad died. I told her that our mental health would have been in the gutter if I grew up with him as a dad.  There was a lot of cruelty that went with him.  I consider my step-dad as my dad.  He was really the only dad that I knew since this happened when I was 2 years old.  I saw my dad maybe every 3 or 4 months and it was a relief when he referred to me as an obligation and being done with me.  That's a whole different post for a different day. I told my mom we would have been ok if you were single and it was just the three of us.  She agreed.  Despite the fact that my step-dad had issues with alcohol, we did some...

 I feel like Garfield the cat.  I just want to faceplant myself back into bed on a Monday.  Not all bad, but by last night, I was ready for it. When we moved from the four family we lived in 15 years ago, we had options when we looked for something different.  And more importantly, affordable options.  This isn't the case.  I know it's not just us it's anyone who's looking for a good and safe environment. The monster down below started off as such a good neighbor.  He seemed so down to earth and we really liked him.  It was maybe like 3 months when he started showing us who he really was when he got mad about being asked why he didn't shovel.  I suspected something was up before that because there was a night where I heard the side door slam so hard one evening that I thought it was going to go off the hinges.  I suspected it had something to do with his complaint to my mom about how I parked my car in the garage.  He couldn't get h...

 Please do something about the monster down below. He's stolen money. He's made my mom and my life harder. He hurt people witb his abuse and thievery. Please make him go away. 

 So I am recovering from having a crying fit of a two year old. I don't know what happened.  My mom was talking about moving if the monster down below doesn't leave after his court hearing in a couple of weeks.  She was looking for places for us to live and I snapped.   Tonight, when I left for a walk, I walked out front and his girlfriend was sitting outside with a book.  One of the dogs barked and I could hear him yelling. He's stolen like maybe 200 grand from his fake business.  He hasn't worked in the last year and a half.  Why do I feel like he's going to get away with it?   I have no rights as long as he's here.  I have to feel like I'm imposing if I even use the side door.  That's my only exit.  Can't use lights, my WE Energies bill is a hardship every month because of him.   I feel like I'm going to get driven out and seek more into debt because of this man bully. He's a monster.  If there was a man ...

 I'm not depressed.  Felt a little blue last night.  My mom normally talks to my cousin for a few hours.  My cousin lost her mom two days before I got my own bad news nine years ago.  Her brother checks in on her but my mom touches base every Sunday night and it's kind of a night for me to watch TV in my room and get my mind ready for Sunday. I kind of wished I had someone to talk to or text.  Yes, I have Corinne but it's not a back and forth thing.  I get a message maybe around 10:30 at night and I'll respond in the morning when I wake up.  I was kind of wishing to talk to someone. I watched Bill Maher and wondered what was ahead of me for the next day.  Kind of dread when I take a day off.  It wasn't like I went to a fair.   We got a small garbage can for my cat's litter.  Well I know some people flush the litter but I wouldn't trust the plumbing in this place.  So we put it in our garbage bag and I'd take it over f...

 Raise your hand if you've been ghosted "raising" It's not a nice feeling.  It's like asking someone a question and they look the other way. It means You're not important.  You're invisible.  You're not worth the time. I hated the break up with college boyfriend but at least he did it and talked to me.  Things happen and it sucks.  You cry for a few days and try to pick up the pieces.  It probably did take me a couple of weeks but I got a call one day that they had a project at Target and asked if I would like some extra time.  I wasn't getting a lot of hours and when I did, I'd have to see the happy couple.  Gross.  We were switching over to scanners and we needed to redo the shelves with these new postings. I needed garden gloves to do it after a couple of days because it was hard work on the hands but it was a great distraction and I got 40 hours. I had to get up and be there at 7 every morning but it was a good therapy.  I kind ...

 I don't know how I ever worked up the nerve to go door to door in 2004 asking people who they were going to vote for back then.  It was thrilling, frustrating and kind of scary at times.  I couldn't do it today.  After that election, I was heartbroken.  When you meet people and hear their stories and how they're affected by the changes that an administration has made, you feel for them.  I thought I can't do this again. I wanted to especially when Obama ran.  I wanted to be part of the movement but people were so hostile four years earlier, I couldn't bring myself to ask people if they were voting for the first black candidate running for President. Then Trump happened.  I felt helpless like a lot of America. I voted.  I donated what little money I had for Hillary.  I just hated sitting there and watching what was happening from someone so cruel and mean.  I didn't agree with George W. Bush's policies, but he was not a hateful pers...

 I felt like I had cartoon blue birds surrounding me singing happy songs this morning.  It seemed like everywhere I went people were in a good mood.  It wasn't just me.  It just felt good to enjoy food again.  I still love cottage cheese but not for breakfast lunch and dinner.  Felt so good to be able to eat normal.  I loved it.  When I went into the Starbucks, someone held the door open for me and I thanked them.  I moved around a woman that had her little girl in a stroller and apologized.  I said no need to, you're fine.  She had her hands full and she did when she got her order so I got the doors for me when we left at the same time and thanked me.  I held it open for someone else who walked in and they thanked me and wished me to have a wonderful day. What planet was I on?  It was really nice.  I responded in kind as well.  It was just a nice morning.   No, I know maybe three days from now I'll be ...

 Up until about a year ago, I always tipped.  For bad service, expensive service, it's just the courteous thing to do.   My step-dad told me the importance of tipping for people who work hard at a young age and I think working in retail made me more mindful that some jobs are tough, like waitressing. I worked on commission when I sold shoes in the shoe department at Boston Store. I still got a minimum wage salary if I didn't make commission and that was a crummy salary.  When I had a good week, it was great.  When it was a bad week, it sucked.  I mostly worked evenings by myself and you would think that it would be filled with customers.  It was kind of a lonely store near St. Luke's so some nights were good.  It was crushing when I would wait on someone for an hour and bring them out about 10 different pairs of shoes to try thinking that they would maybe buy 1 or 2 and walk away, leaving me with a mess to clean up.  I get it.  Cust...

 I am getting a Starbucks tomorrow - probably my Pink drink. I used to get that every month after I got the Zoladex shot as a reward for taking a shot in the stomach. I think after drinking a gallon of saltwater, I earned that reward! 

 Well I got the test over with or is it a procedure?  I got a reprieve of 7 to 8 years for a follow up and I couldn't be happier. No polyps.  That's great.  I felt doomed that I would hear come back in 3 years.  I hardly ate even before the day of fasting.  When I got the packet, I felt kind of frustrated with the listing of foods and figuring out what I should eat for the 2 days before fasting so I lived on cottage cheese, eggs, peanut butter, Jell-O and ice cream.  I think I had a couple of slices of salami and some Reeses peanut butter cups, but I just didn't want to do anything where they said Um there's a problem, can you come back?  Unless it's the 12th of Never, then no, thank you.  This is the part that I hated.  I told them my mom would drive me home. I live 6 blocks from the clinic and last time she would have driven home, but I felt ok.  And for 6 blocks?  I wasn't going to drive into a house.  I took it easy....

The older I get, the more I want to keep things private from people.  Why?  Because everyone has an opinion and I don't need people interfering or putting their nose where it doesn't belong. When I worked at Target, the old cow Margo whose wedding I regretfully participated in, asked me what my boyfriend got me for sweetest day.  What?  I didn't know that was a thing.  I said nothing.  She asked why not?  I didn't know.  I didn't know it was an expectation and I got a laundry list of all the things Margo's boyfriend did for her.  I felt horrible and hated my boyfriend at the time.  I was mad.  I shouldn't have been mad at him.  I should have been mad at her for making me question our relationship at the time.  She probably gave her dumb boyfriend a list of the things he was supposed to do anyway.  The relationship I had with college boyfriend would implode later on but at the time, we were fine and happy.  I call...

 I woke up this morning and normally I see a message from my friend Corinne. It had been a couple of days and I felt kind of disappointed when I didn't see one.  Felt like the fifth grader standing alone at recess waiting for someone to play jump rope with me. It is really silly that I felt that way.  My years of dealing with abusers, losers and users have made my mind wander about what someone is thinking.  Oh, no, they think I'm terrible!  They're done with me!  In many instances, maybe all, it was a good thing. I did get my meme regarding Trump and David Pecker testifying. I had a good laugh and sent a short message.  I'm good. I don't expect anyone to hold my hand and contact me everyday.  There are a lot of days that I don't feel like talking to anyone.  I'm tired and my eyes are blurred so typing little messages on my phone is a little rough.  Corinne is not only married but has a disabled sister she has taken care of for years....

 It's almost official.  My sister, her husband, my nephew and their dog and cat will be back in Milwaukee in mid to late July.  My niece, her husband and the magical Charlotte will be back as well.  I couldn't be happier.  My nephew, their dog Daisy and their little persian cat Kringle will be staying with me and my mom.  It'll be like I got my animal daycare center and I'm excited.   My sister is looking for an Air BnB that is close to my mom and I so that she and her husband can stay with my niece's little family.  That's what they did last year.  They wanted to put their little kitten they had gotten over the Christmas holiday in a nearby kennel. I love my Precious and I know she was a little annoyed at having some pesky kitten running around her territory but there was no way I could have that little kitten go to a kennel.  This house is open for the animals.  Their poor dog Daisy is just so sweet and shy. I hardly know she...

 I feel like a pretentious jerk for saying I get my eyebrows waxed like every 6 weeks.  Sometimes 8 weeks.  It's not a matter of a beauty thing.  It's a matter of I don't ever want to be called eagle eyebrows ever again.  I'd like my one eyebrow that seems to grow together to turn into two every month and half or so.  I love a thick eyebrow on a man.  I don't like it on me.  No thank you.   About two years ago my sister told me about her dermaflash that she got.  It's to take all the peach fuzz off of your face.  I got one and a few other tools to take care of the surprise hairs on my face.  Yeah. I had my upper lip waxed and chin for a long time.  That gets expensive and I hate the look of having a red upper lip for a couple of hours.  And the breakouts.  Just frustrating, expensive and annoying.  It's helped with that but I was afraid of doing anything with my eyebrows or I would really wind up with o...

I feel better.  Last night when I signed off, I just went to my room, laid down and slept for maybe 20 minutes.  It's amazing how a little sleep can maybe make things seem a little better.  Brighter. I have to return something for my mom this morning at UPS and I intend to go into Lois' neighborhood just because I think it's funny that a poor assistant goes into her fancy neighborhood.  I plan to get some walking in and listen to my audible book selection - Tired of Winning by Jonathan Karl.  Amusing and yet not so amusing when it comes to the formerly disgraced twice impeached 88 indictment president. I found out that my landlord's wife has a fitness apparel line that she's promoting on social media.  When I showed the website to my friend Corinne I was confused by the quotes from the Bible.  What does God have to do with athletic leggings?  I'm no theologian, but I don't think it's in the good book. Corinne explained that their mission statement...

 Well the week went by fast and I felt productive.  I'm not in the doghouse for my new work assignment.  I got asked if I feel uncomfortable asking for help.  It isn't that I feel uncomfortable. I don't get listened to when I do ask for help. I can ask for help if I feel like I need something on a medical level.  People?  Not so much.  Ninety five percent of the people I've encountered don't listen.  It's a rarity when someone does listen. I don't know why, I should be happy Friday is here and I am having a bad day emotionally.  I own it and it will pass.   It was a conversation my mom had last night jokingly that I could live with my nephew in Florida some day. I know my mom will not be here forever.  I'm afraid that forever may end sooner than I'm prepared.  I know my life will change in another earthquake kind of way like when my dad passed. I know, why think about something like that?  Well I know I don't have any...

 Instead, it's Ann.  Kind of boring middle name. I've been feeling dragged down lately with my new assignment.  It isn't that I don't like it.  It's that I feel like I'm drowning.  Normally others would pick up tasks or assignments when things are overflowing in my group.  Well the two people who would lend a helping hand or kind of occupied.  Having 2 days off didn't help me not that I wouldn't take 3 days off the next time.  And there are some who will do as they please and let me go down and drown because it's me.   People were directed to help and I was told not to do more which was a relief but now I worry, am I failing at what I'm doing? I have felt like I was on a good streak of getting things done but things have been coming and coming.  I don't expect much from others.  It's been that way always.  When I started, we had this dictation shelf that never moved except when I started picking things up.  I picked u...

 My mom had asked me if maybe I was feeling a little critical about the friend that kind of went away on me.  She was feeling a little disappointed herself since Cassie - that's the name that I'll call her struck up a bond with my mom.  I had told her that I'm not really mad at Cassie, just kind of feel sad about how things turned out.  I said I was the pity friend.  At my lowest point when I found out my news and Cassie had consoled me, my mom said See Connie, you didn't think you had any friends. Well that wasn't awkward.  Not my mom's fault.  I did feel like a little kid in the 5th grade.  It opened me up to more vulnerability and made me wonder at times, Am I that pity friend?  Yeah.  I was.  That sucks.  Someone told me that I don't let people care about me.  I said that's because 95% of the people don't care about me.  This is a reason why.  I can be vulnerable and I've had people move in for the kill and u...

 Quite a title, isn't it?  I'm not proud when I have a moment like this.  I think I'm pretty patient and I'm more likely to have people walk over me and maybe threw out a snarky comment if I'm mad, but there are those moments when I let loose and give someone a piece of my mind.  It's happened in a Pick n Save about 20 years ago, happened in the shoe department at Boston Store like maybe 15 years ago and it happened when I sent an email to the person that I considered a mentor last summer.   I think I have an alter ego when this happens.  I call her Nene and she's maybe been on her feet all day and tired and wants to pull someone's wig because everyone is getting on her nerves. I had worked with this person for 7 years as his assistant and I always had fun with this person  I was ok when I officially got assigned to him.  He was the worst person when it came to dictation and people would leave his empty folders on the shelf for me.  Norm...

 I think I've had that happen.  Is that where someone just drowns you in love and affection and then just blows you off like 2 weeks later? If it is, then yeah, raising my hand that I've had it happen a few times.  The "L" word gets thrown out and the adoring compliments that overwhelm me.  And then a month later, that person has second thoughts.  Well, I DIDN'T!  What happened? Oh, when I look back at it I think I should have taken a step back and said this is way too fast.  Well when you're thrilled that someone wants to pay attention to you, you go with the flow.  I should have learned after the first time.  I should have learned with the last one.  Like repeatedly should have learned.  Yeah, I have been hurt, but I also know that I take accountability for not walking away when I should. Would I want to get swept away like that again?  NO.  I know that sounds like every man's dream.  If there's an opportunity in th...

 The week has ended better.  There's a ring doorbell outside our door in case the monster is lurking near our door.  We would have done on outside but we worried about the monster messing with it.  My sister and family will be back in July so maybe we will have them put it up outside the door.  Maybe the monster will be gone.  Probably not a bad idea to have as much security as we have.  They have done so much this week and we are grateful. Wish I could say the plumbing was better.  The kitchen sink is now acting up.  And the landlord hasn't appeared this week as I had hoped but was doubtful.   I had received the call about my upcoming test.  I thought it was a spam call because it showed up as Switzerland and I accepted the call.  I put it on speaker phone and figured I would hear the dial tone.  When they asked if I was there and I asked what did you want?  She was from the medical place and announced she was c...

 We suspect the monster has broken our dryer. My mom has had issues with clothes being soaked and the dryer shut off.  My sister is now sitting on our steps in the hallway to see if she hears anyone going down the stairs. This weekend my brother in-law put in two light sensors to help my mom and I see in the dark basement.  The monster unscrewed the light bulb at the foot of the stairs and somehow managed to disable the one that was near our landing. It's one thing that I had put in money for locks or had to stand outside to check my meter for electricity usage but it's another thing when people who care about us and we don't have a big group help us.  I texted the landlord who informed me he would be by to check the electricity situation since it had been awhile since he lived downstairs from us.  He told the monster to keep his hands off the lights and the monster told him it's on his electricity bill.  It's funny he's worried about us using our electrici...

 For the week I have my sister and brother in law here and they are trying to help us with the monster downstairs.  My brother in law installed some motion sensor lights.  When they left to visit his mother, the monster unscrewed the light bulb.  My mom screwed it back in. This is the type of stuff that we deal with.  Petty and stupid things.  And some horrendous things like taking my utility bill from $165 to $255.  I had a $400 utility bill last July.  Yes, I know we had a rotten summer that was hot.  We had some 100 degree days in August and once the locks got put back on, what do you know?  The electricity bill went down.  It didn't make a difference or help me but at least it gave me an indication that the monster is a thief. For the week, I will sleep a little better having some back up support that could maybe help us cope better with the situation until the karma gods maybe come for him next month?  That's wishful think...

 Ok, this sounds really stupid for one of the things I would like to do and coming from me, it's a lot since socializing isn't my strong suit.  I thought of it when I saw the retirement video of the managing attorney who just left.  One of the activities that the attorneys did was go to this place where they threw axes. I don't know if I would want to do that with some of the people I spent time with in the office. I might have a police record after that event, but it seems like a fun thing to do with a couple of friends or a fun date.  I'm horrible with anything athletic so I would probably wind up with an ax in my foot.  At least it would be a good story to laugh about. Until I got the bill. The idea had been bounced around but people didn't want to go to dirty old Milwaukee.  When you're with people who are there for fun and not to compete, I want to be there. Sometimes I wish for a kind touch.  I want to clarify that because I've been touched witho...

 I like that we're getting closer to warmer weather, but I also kind of feel eh.  Meh.  Bleh. It's a time of year where people are doing things, and well, I'm not.  I signed up to write more letters for the election and I thought this is really an excuse to remind myself that I'm not lonely. There are a lot of things I wish I could experience, but I don't know if I will. Note that I didn't say never.  I'm working on a small grain of optimism. I'd like to go to a concert.  And if it doesn't really matter who the act is.  The last time I attended a concert was in 2000 with my sister and my niece who was 10 at the time.  It was Christina Aguilera.  It was fun. It was nice to get out.  I did get to see Katy Perry when I stood in line for hours when Obama was here in 2012 but since then?  No invites, no opportunities.  I saw one year that Heart was playing at State Fair and my heart just sank, remembering how I almost had a chance t...

 I won't be skipping any tests. Our bathroom situation seems to be ok.  My mom had wanted to call the landlord and asked if he would replace the parts he said were old.  We can flush ok we just have to hold down the handle.  I thought maybe I should push out my test for 6 months or even a year but quite honestly, I want this over with and don't want to think about it again for ideally 10 years but with my luck, it'll be 5 maybe even 3 years.   I knew the lecture I would get for postponing.  You've had cancer, you shouldn't put things off.  No, I'm not but I'm afraid if I asked my landlord to replace new parts then that's another rent raise in my future.  That's what it's come to.  It's been expensive to be me and I have really gone downhill financially.  NO and NO will be the answer I give when it comes to an MRI in July.  I have the letter from my mammogram that states that my tissue is not dense.  Why do I need to run up...