Wishes of an Invisible Woman

 I like that we're getting closer to warmer weather, but I also kind of feel eh.  Meh.  Bleh.

It's a time of year where people are doing things, and well, I'm not.  I signed up to write more letters for the election and I thought this is really an excuse to remind myself that I'm not lonely.

There are a lot of things I wish I could experience, but I don't know if I will. Note that I didn't say never.  I'm working on a small grain of optimism.

I'd like to go to a concert.  And if it doesn't really matter who the act is.  The last time I attended a concert was in 2000 with my sister and my niece who was 10 at the time.  It was Christina Aguilera.  It was fun. It was nice to get out.  I did get to see Katy Perry when I stood in line for hours when Obama was here in 2012 but since then?  No invites, no opportunities.  I saw one year that Heart was playing at State Fair and my heart just sank, remembering how I almost had a chance to go see them.  I wouldn't even care who it was, Lionel Richie, Bon Jovi, John Legend, anyone.  Well maybe not anyone but I'd have an open mind to enjoy music.  

I'd like to go to a movie at the Downer Theatre that is re-opening or the Oriental.  I like movies and I stopped going in 2017.  I went alone and the last time I fell asleep. I thought that's not good if I'm by myself.  I just didn't feel like it after that and with streaming, it would make it easier.  I can't stand some of the crowds at movies, but once in a blue moon, it would be nice.

I would like to go somewhere and wear something nice.  I dress horrible.  It would be nice to go to a nice restaurant where I can dress up more.  I started buying mascara just because I wanted to feel better. I had two opportunities where I thought I was going out somewhere nice and wound up selling one dress at a rummage and returning another.  It doesn't have to be the Pfister.  I would just be nice to go enjoy an evening at an outdoor cafe with a friend and maybe wear a pair of sandals and not have to worry that I'm wearing a purple sock and a green sock.  Don't judge me.

I'd like to get a text when I'm waiting anxiously for an appointment.  I feel like I'm a needy person with my loneliness but at the end of the day, I trudge through things on my own. I try to make it work.  It would be nice if I could look down at my phone and see a kind message.  It doesn't matter when the message comes.  It would be nice if I saw that message when I woke up in the morning.  Or when I'm having a bad day.  I wake up somedays and feel like does anyone even care that I exist?  I kind of found that out very painfully when I almost didn't and it really does something to you mentally.  To the one friend that does send me the memes, she has no idea how much that means.

Believe it or not, I may appear in my writings that I have given up on good things happening for me, but I drift into daydream land and wish for things like that.  When I go to sleep at night, I imagine someone putting a blanket over me to keep me warm and kiss the top of my head.  

Yes the cat will plop down next to me and purr while I sleep but it's because she wants me to feed me again for the 26th time.  It's a conditional purr.

It's nice to drift off into daydream land because reality sucks. 

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