The Invisible Woman Chronicles

 Stupid weird weather.  I found out today that my suspicions were right.  I had a sinus infection.  I was fortunate enough to see my doctor this morning and get back on the mend.  The cough was doing me in.  I sounded like a Muppet with emphysema when the cough got bad.  Or maybe Oscar the Grouch with COPD.  The tickle monster in my throat seems to be taking a nap and hopefully it doesn't rear its ugly head at 3:30 this morning and keep me up.   I thought maybe I should take the day and just rest.  I was feeling better that if I could at least find out that I didn't have something more serious then I could work the majority of the day.  For anyone that acted like I was taking off too much time when I seriously got sick can go bite me.  Part of me did kind of worry that the monster that pushed me out of one assignment would be lurking to see what I was doing just to be "helpful" even if their intentions were bad. ...

 I told myself I wasn't going to look at my blood results. I did.  It wasn't bad. Better than I expected but one number that was up and bothers me.  Non-HdL, I think?  I knew I'd blow one of those numbers. I wasn't going to look because I felt like I'd flunk everything.  I'll see my doctor next week and apologize for that sucky number and my weight. I worked really hard 7 of the 8 years that I went through treatment.  I got nowhere with my weight and by year 8, I was tired of walking 60 miles on my fitbit and losing 2 ounces.  I haven't had the energy to push myself with weight loss and exercise.  I do exercise even if it doesn't look like.  We used to have to go through these biometric screenings where everyone had to stand in line and get weighed and told how bad our numbers were.  I usually sat there and got lectured about my weight until I finally told one of the testers I guess there was a reason I got cancer because I'm so fat and ...

 In my 20s, I traveled alone to San Francisco, Los Angeles and San Diego (twice in 1995 and 2000).  I thought I was going to take on the world as a single woman and do great things. I threw out every picture I had during the pandemic.  Why?  I was in a moment where I wanted to erase my life.  No, I wasn't going to do something bad to myself. I was depressed and did get treatment after I did that. There was a movie with Jim Carey about wanting to erase the memories of a past relationship.  Well I wanted to erase everything about my life and disappear.  I wasn't going to disappear.  I had a life.  I had people.  I couldn't do that.  I felt like it.  I felt like everything I had done was a failure.  I thought that I wasn't going to make it through the pandemic either.  It was a bad moment and I knew I never wanted to feel that way again.  I so felt bad about what I did. I wanted a different life than my classmates w...

 Guess I'll be wearing a mask when I get blood work on Monday. I seem to have a sinus infection that's making me cough.  I had the same symptoms last year.  I seem to be functioning ok other than wanting to sleep and feeling more irritated than usual.  Sorry mom.  I sound like Robert Kennedy Jr when I talk like I have some voice paralysis.  I'm ok, just at about 58% ok. I still keep a mask in my bag just in case.  I don't want to be a rude clown like so many people were during Covid. I was the hoarder with masks and I even keep some in my glove department.  When my mom had me call the rescue squad back in June 2020 because she felt sick, I wasn't prepared for the rescue squad to say, You're probably not going to be able to see her.  What?  That can't be.  I followed them over and they were right.  A woman escorted me down to some lower level and I got a phone number to call and escorted outside. I wasn't mad at the medical peop...

 Well I am feeling like hysterical female.  More like resigned. Last night my mom had noticed that some shirts she thought were at the bottom of her dresser drawer were now sitting out in plain sight. And last night, I was looking for a sheet of addresses and a script I had for my postcards for Maryland school board.  It was missing.  The monster had a weird fixation with our light bulb in the basement and he actually took it out.  He claimed that light was on his electricity.  That's funny coming from the guy that made me wind up with a $400 bill for July last year. It wouldn't shock me that he picked the lock when we were gone.  I'm getting a security camera today.  I will figure it out. Thanks to all those who offered to help me and didn't.  Sigh.

 Last night, we had wondered about our monster neighbor having access to our place.  Something my mom had thought she had misplaced, was found.  She could have sworn up and down it was somewhere else.  It's very possible she just didn't remember.  I've done it.  We wondered about what our neighbor downstairs has access to and doesn't.  He knows our patterns and he's just creepy. About a few months ago, we had come home to find the hallway dark and my mom saw our neighbor's "friend/probably drug dealer friend" go past.  I wish I had called the police. I actually did make a report with the cops but as my friend said they wouldn't take it seriously. I wanted something on record.  I don't think it matters. I know our neighbor has court cases about the money he stole.  It was some local contractors business.  In Wisconsin.  Or of Wisconsin.  He has 2 money judgments.  I looked up what can happen.  His wages can get ga...

 Everyone loved my mom's chocolate peanut butter bars.  I love them except I'd eat 12 of them if I could. Personally I was fine with bringing in something from a bakery for one of our too many food days.  People loved them and she made it every Christmas or for other events.  She made them to make it nice for me at work because she knew that people weren't nice to me. She made them for my first boss who was really good to me and when he left.  She made them for another boss I worked with when his wife had surgery and when he retired. She made them for another higher up when he retired for him and his wife. She made them for many co-workers to take home a tin out of the kindness of her heart. She made them for another higher up who could be nice to me but could be a bully to me when his wife had surgery. When I came back from medical leave, one person told me they missed my mom's peanut butter bars.  I never wanted her to make them again after I heard that. ...

 I realize looking at my posts, that I kind of suck at disguising names. Or many other things that I don't want to be obvious about. I saw that I referred to one of the women worked for was Irma in one sentence and Velma the next.  Maybe I should call her just Awful.    I'll try this again.  We'll call her Lois.  Lois sounds like someone who goes to grocery stores and makes young cashiers cry.  Lois would fit this person.    I need to vent, but I also don't want to name names.  Unless it's Harold.  Maybe Harold's name is really Eric.  Maybe his last name might be richter - and his facebook is kind of stupid.  And maybe I'm ok if people troll him.  Yeah, I look maybe once in awhile to see if he's still stupid.  Makes me feel better.   Someone I used to work with is retiring next month and I got an invite.  I declined before the end of the day. I thought why am I even hesitating to decline?  It'...

It was actually the nickname of the two people I'm about to talk about. I thought we were friends at one point in time.  I am still friendly with both when I do hear from them, but I keep that arm's length up.   Frick and Frack were two women that are still close friends and actually work together in their group. They should because they are freakishly co-dependent and yet would throw the other under a bus. I did most of Frick's work the first 2 years she started because she came up with the most insane excuses.  She went for a mammogram but she had to reschedule because nobody told her they moved the facility.  She went to over 20 some funerals the year that Covid hit and got into doctor's offices just like that when the rest of us had to wait our turn.  You could start a Twitter feed of all the excuses.   Frack was an old timer even when I started, almost there 20 years and complained loudly about anyone.  It took some time to get to like F...

 I think writing about all the idiots I liked or loved before put a drain on me Sunday night.  Thinking about what had happened with the lying hippie had me tearful.  Not about him.  About me.  I felt bad that I thought so little of myself that I thought being treated that way was acceptable.  It wasn't ok.  Yet putting it down in a blog felt cathartic.  Hopefully for the one or two people that may have read of this won't think less of me that I made myself so vulnerable to people who didn't care about me.   So trying to get myself in a better mind set for the week.  Think about the positive things even if they are small. After having my small tear festival, I found myself dozing off watching TV and when I woke up, Precious was at the foot of my bed, fast asleep as though she were my bodyguard.  She is protective of me.  She's afraid of people for the most part and has never hissed at anyone other than my sister's cat, but...

 It's hard for me to talk or type about this situation but I think I need to say what finally happened.  It was humiliating. I didn't hear from Harold for 2 years. I was ready to move and I found a CD he was reluctant to give to me but wanted to give to me.  Sigh.  I know why.  The songs were about an ex-girlfriend. I found his parents address and mailed it.  He wrote back and told me that his life was straightened out.  He was playing in two bands and working at a bank.  He was hoping we could talk.  We did for a few months and he disappeared again. What's new?   It wasn't for another 4 years that I found him on Facebook.  It was a time I was finding everyone, all the people you thought about from high school and your past.  I looked at his page before I sent the friend request.  It looked as though he had been clean and sober for two years.  He had a lot of AA friends and he looked good.  We started talkin...

 I had my dentist appointment a couple of days ago.  Normally I park a few blocks away and when I was done, I walked past a gas station and I heard someone yell, I hope you're not married. I never turned around. I didn't want to know if that was an insult or a cat call. It made me horrible. I suspected it was an insult.  I'm not at a healthy weight by any means, my coat is kind of heavy and bulky and well it fits me, bulky.  I figured he'd ask if I'm the white Lizzo or make an obscene gesture. I wish nobody would call each other out on the street.  Let people be.  I have gotten mooed at, catcalled, had some really sexual gestures thrown at me and even a guy following me down the street when I was in my 20s.  It's like can I just walk down the street and get a hello? 

 Before I share the tale of how I got left at the airport at my fourth and final trip to San Diego, there are a few things I wanted to clear up. When Harold proclaimed to me that he felt I had to live up to my expectations, that was a joke.  I never talked about family and marriage when I met him.  I wanted love and if that meant that I had a solid partner, I would have been happy with that.  I did want something, but I was never that woman that said I want kids, my clock was ticking so hurry up.  Yeah, I knew my window was closing, but I never brought it up.  I hate it when someone paints me as this demanding diva woman.  I never placed any expectations on any man and I definitely got less than that in return.  It was insulting whenever I heard that.  Harold's fixation on music was a sore point for me.  Harold had been in a band years ago and they had done well in the San Diego area but he fought with the other band members and they bro...

 I will be back at the post office buying more postcard stamps.  I just finished a few campaigns.  I mailed some for the Environmental Voter Project for the primary in North Carolina in March. I did a quick one for California's primary for Greenpeace.  I have one for Activate America for Pennsylvania to get out the vote.  I want to do more and I wish had more money for stamps. What a mixed day for news.  My heart sunk when I saw that Alexei Navalny had died, especially after watching the movie done on him around Christmas.  Made me tearful.  Beautiful man who fought for democracy in his country and willing to even go to jail.   We will win in November.  It made me sick how Joe Biden is being portrayed as some old feeble man.  He's a tired man but who wouldn't be with all that he has to deal with?  I believe in Joe and I will gladly be voting for him in November.  I don't know Joe, but he knows people like me and he wi...

 Before I go on about my third trip where I found out many secrets about Harold, here were some things that I should I have paid attention to more closely that were red flags. He was not poor.  He came from a good family that lived in a suburb of San Diego.  I think his parents wanted him to find direction and they would let him live with them for awhile.  His dad was an engineer and his mom didn't work.  Yet, he made out like I was the rich girl when my step-dad tuned pianos and made drive shafts for me to go to college.  My mom had worked off and on cleaning homes, cleaning offices and doing factory work. I was a legal assistant with a college degree.  It took me about 10 years to find a stable job. I was not a rich girl by any means. He had a cell phone and I did not.  This was in the early 2000s so I'll admit to not knowing how cell phones worked.  When San Diego had wildfires in maybe 2003 or 2004, I was worried about how he was doing an...

 This mistake would be the Godfather trilogy.  It spanned over a decade.  It should have ended after my first meeting with the long haired hippie from San Diego.   It wasn't easy meeting people for me.  My twenties were just lonely. I didn't get out and most of my friends were married and well had moved on from me.  My life was mostly work and going home.  I wasn't someone that wanted to meet someone in a bar.  Well over 20 years ago, maybe almost 25, I tried to meet guys online.  None of them were local and there was a reason. Part of me wanted to leave Milwaukee.  Other than my parents, I didn't feel like there was anything for me at times.  I thought maybe a change of scenery would have helped my life.  I had traveled a bit and was open to meeting someone from a different city.  Oh, can you say big fool, because I can.  At the time, my step-dad had been gone for 5 years and my mom was living in northern Wiscon...

 I quit a very popular salon and spa in the Milwaukee area last year.  I had started going to their downtown location back in 2000 for waxing and went off and on until about 2010 and I went to their north shore location.  I booked a manicure on a whim. I went once in awhile but it was more like a once a year or twice a year thing.  Not once a week.   I thought my nail tech's name was Kandy.  I misheard because it was a gay man who asked for me.  I thought this should be interesting and it was fun.  We did a stress relief chair massage after my manicure and K offered me to have my hair washed out and blown dry by one of the hair stylists for free because he had used oils on my hair while he worked on my head.  I like free and I was up for the plan.  I wound up coming back for hair and I treated myself to a few more nail appointments with K. I liked K.  He was fun to talk to and such a delight.  He was like a therapist....

 I was looking at old Facebook memories and I found out that stood out.  I don't do much social media because people are insane and it's really become kind of depressing. I was upset that day.  Someone had found a picture of a guy in a thong partying as part of the research she had to do on a case and she showed it to some of us and said that's my new boyfriend.  It was the laugh of the day.  Not for me.  I just ignored it.  I know, why didn't I report it?  It was a reminder why I didn't miss that aspect of my daily life. Shortly before the pandemic hit, we had a White Elephant gift exchange, 2nd year in a row.  I suspected that people were cheating because they knew which gifts to choose.  I threw in a DVD of Columbo that my mom gave me.  I got something different. Big red underwear and a toilet cleaning kit.  Oh I wanted to die and thought I was from embarrassment. I said this is vulgar.  I really wanted to walk out....

 I am not doing ok with my new work assignment. I probably am, but I don't feel like it.  I have had to adapt a lot more than others because I don't complain and I roll with the punches.   Today I had to file something with the court and it had to be done today.  I have filed a million things but when I went back and looked over my work, I had forgotten to attach a part of the document so I thought I had copied it over and added that part.  I filed twice.  Twice is better than none but I'm worried it will cause problems.  I made phone calls to find out and I got nowhere.  One person said they would probably both get accepted by the court.   I feel like I've been failing so miserably with mistakes and just not being sure.  I have been told I'm doing fine but this is what anxiety does to me.  I thought why did I have to change my assignment?  It's going to take me time to get to know and understand people. I get that....

 I met my college boyfriend while working at Target.  A lot of us that worked there went to school at UW-Milwaukee.  I didn't really pay much attention to him.  I worked as a cashier and he worked in housewares.  I think it was one evening I was looking for something after I punched out that he started talking to me and we talked for awhile. I thought he's nice.  I don't think either of us sought the other out.  We just kind of looked at each other like, hunh, you're interesting.  I didn't pay much thought to him after the first conversation until I walked out one night and I could see his reflection in the door watching me. I wondered if I needed to find my way back to housewares again. I did and he asked me out. And it was nice.  The relationship started off normal and like wow, I had a boyfriend.  He was a year older than me and ahead of me in college.  He was studying economics and math.  I was struggling to get myself grou...

 So typical Saturday.  I go out to the stores. I don't really buy much, maybe some litter for Precious or a few things we need for the house. I use an app called ShopKick that has me scan items in stores and if I redeem so many kicks, I can get a Walmart gift card for groceries. I get most of my kicks at the Wal Mart in West Milwaukee.  Between the candy aisle and the feminine hygiene wash, I got my first $5 for this round.  Yeah.  That sound pathetic.  I have managed to get over $300 in free groceries since our rent was raised so it's helped. Then I'll hit the post office maybe the one on the east side that has the nice ladies that help me pick out stamps for my voter letters.  It'll be a regular visit and I think they recognize me. I appreciate their help. I don't always get that in my neighborhood.  I will be visiting them more since it's an election season.  Hopefully it's not the last election we have this year.   Then I'll go ...

 With my new work assignment, there's one person that kind of intimidates me. Maybe 2 years ago?  I had accidentally closed out something that needed to stay open. I came back from lunch to see a message in all caps asking me why I did that?  When I looked at what they were talking about it looked like I might have mistaken one thing for another. I apologized but I didn't forget the feeling. I have talked to this person and they are perfectly nice with the conversation we had.  I see emails that are kind of scathing to other people and I think well, don't take it personal. I've heard comments from others that they could be crabby with them. I get it.  I've had my share of people like that over the years.  It's hard for me because I feel like if I send an email, I might get an angry call.  Or a message that might upset me.  I feel like I have to take a deep breath and let that email with a question fly.   It's always been that way.  ...

 It seems like there's the have a LOTS and have nothings.  I definitely fall into the latter category. I found out someone who has worked hard like 200% hard will be more or less quietly let go within the next year and a half.  There were fancy words used according to this person and my heart just sunk for her.  It wasn't fair.  I know she'll be ok.  I'm not ok.  I'm upset for her.  I thought about the person that berated me so bad when I went through treatment.  She constantly complained about her stress level and went on like 3 family vacations a year, like cruises to Alaska, girls trip to New York.  Kids are getting interns at public relations firm and going to good schools.  When she found out I went to a nail salon in her neighborhood, she acted appalled that someone like me would go into her nice neighborhood.  My condolences to the good people that do live in her community.   I think, do people like that realiz...

 Not sure if I would call the next guy my second boyfriend maybe he was the first?  They were all pretty awful looking back. I did get to go on a date with the next guy I really liked.  I didn't know I had liked him until he pretty much hung around me one evening. I had a Christmas job at a department store and I sucked at it.  Any job I have worked at?  I have given 200%.  Not my first job though. I wanted extra money and well this was the only gig that was available in our small suburb.   You pretty much have to hold up a sign and say "I LIKE YOU.  WANT TO GO OUT?" for me to even realize that Oh, so this is flirting?  I didn't know!   And if it seems like anyone might be interested in me, I am looking for a ring.  Yeah, a sign.  What is the catch? He was older than me and I never thought someone older would be interested in me.  By older, I had just turned 18 and he was 19.  Not Alec and Hilaria Baldwin ol...