The Lying Hippie - Social Media, Cancer and The End

 It's hard for me to talk or type about this situation but I think I need to say what finally happened.  It was humiliating.

I didn't hear from Harold for 2 years. I was ready to move and I found a CD he was reluctant to give to me but wanted to give to me.  Sigh.  I know why.  The songs were about an ex-girlfriend. I found his parents address and mailed it.  He wrote back and told me that his life was straightened out.  He was playing in two bands and working at a bank.  He was hoping we could talk.  We did for a few months and he disappeared again. What's new?  

It wasn't for another 4 years that I found him on Facebook.  It was a time I was finding everyone, all the people you thought about from high school and your past.  I looked at his page before I sent the friend request.  It looked as though he had been clean and sober for two years.  He had a lot of AA friends and he looked good.  We started talking through Facebook but it was more superficial.  We would talk about politics. I met his friend Alison through Facebook. I finally knew who she was.  For some reason, she was someone who saved his life.  I would find out how.  

Alison had wanted to call me because she had some legal issues with her landlord.  I wanted to know who this person was.  She never came out and said it but she was probably the guardian ad litem. She had been bailing him out for years.  She was involved with his best friend for a long time and at one point, with Harold.  She told me that she never know about me.  She told me Harold never talked about it.  Then how did she know I was in San Diego all those years ago?  She admitted that she was still in love with him.

I couldn't keep talking to her.  I was bothered by our conversation and one day, Harold sent me an urgent message to be Alison's friend.  I hadn't heard from him in a month and I thought what is this?  When I asked why, he told me that he had a new girlfriend and he thought she needed a friend.  Alison suspected he was with someone not healthy for him and the two of them were fighting.  I said you are using me and I don't appreciate it.  I'm not her babysitter and she is your friend.  Not mine.  He finally admitted that he didn't know what to do with his friendship with Alison. I suggested he should marry her because they can't seem to quit each other.  

I finally worked up the nerve to say How come you never told me why you stopped talking to me?  I saw all these amends to people in his recovery from being an alcoholic and he said he couldn't admit that he had used me for my affection.  He didn't think he was good enough for me and that if he had his life together, we would have been living together in an apartment in Milwaukee.

No, he would have been living with my mom and I in Milwaukee if he had his way.  I wasn't see the light!

I went on about life watching he say ridiculous stuff on Facebook while he fell off the wagon a few times.  I reached out as a friend when he would rebound but then the arrogant Harold would return.  

Just when I thought I was doing ok, I got the worst news.  I had cancer.  

I was scared and I reached out to anyone I thought would care and make it better, including him.  He even called me to tell me that he would call me everyday.  He never did.  When I messaged him and told him about my surgery, he said I'm sorry, I have a lot going on in my life.  I don't have time to talk.  Glad you survived.  

I guess you could say I got rid of two cancers.  

I hate that I reached out to him at my worst moment.  I thought that all the years of people like him taking me for granted would die because they would realize I might not be here.

And the truth was, other than my family, nobody cared.  And if they cared, it was because they wanted to do the right thing.  It was more of an "obligation" or a duty.  I'm not anyone's duty.  

I hate that I thought I was so unlovable that maybe people would care if they knew I wouldn't be here.  

It was a horrible lesson that I had to go through.  Maybe cancer saved me from him and many other people.

I learned that I was a stronger person than I realized.  Everyday, I drove myself roundtrip 45 miles alone and sat in the waiting room for my radiation treatment. I went to 98% of my appointments by myself.  My mom would show up, but she would get on the wrong bus.  She did fall asleep while I was having an ultrasound.  Her poor glasses were off her head when I came out.

I look at people with a skeptical eye when they say I'm here for you if you need me.  I needed people before and they weren't here for me, so why should I believe anyone now?

I learned that words mean nothing unless someone shows up and I can see it with my own eyes.

This was a horrible story to tell.  There's a lot I can laugh about - Harold thought he was a strategist for the Democratic party.  He was a telemarketer who asked people for money.  James Carville and Paul Begala were and are strategist.  Dumbass.

This was a painful lesson I had to learn.  I do a lot of could have should have would haves.  The person that I had to forgive wasn't him, it was me.  

I am lovable.  I am a kind person.  I'm a good daughter and a good sister.  I'm a good aunt to my niece and nephew and a really good aunt to my grand niece.

When Charlotte ran up to me at the zoo and said I want to hold your hand, I realized that I am loved.  It doesn't matter if it's someone who's my boyfriend or husband.  It comes in so many different ways and so many wonderful ways.

My heart is a precious thing that took a lot of time to mend.  It should be protected.  It's open but it'll only open if I can see it with my own eyes.

I deserve so much better in life. I truly do deserve more.