Moment of Regret - erasing the past

 In my 20s, I traveled alone to San Francisco, Los Angeles and San Diego (twice in 1995 and 2000).  I thought I was going to take on the world as a single woman and do great things.

I threw out every picture I had during the pandemic.  Why?  I was in a moment where I wanted to erase my life.  No, I wasn't going to do something bad to myself. I was depressed and did get treatment after I did that.

There was a movie with Jim Carey about wanting to erase the memories of a past relationship.  Well I wanted to erase everything about my life and disappear.  I wasn't going to disappear.  I had a life.  I had people.  I couldn't do that.  I felt like it.  I felt like everything I had done was a failure.  I thought that I wasn't going to make it through the pandemic either. 

It was a bad moment and I knew I never wanted to feel that way again.  I so felt bad about what I did.

I wanted a different life than my classmates who just wanted to have kids and get married.  I wanted to live a life less ordinary and it turned out to be a life very lonely.  And then cancer reminded me of how cold people can be.

I took chances in life.  I did travel alone. I did go out to dinner by myself. I learned how to figure things out without someone looking over my shoulder.  I had fun being the free spirited traveler on those trips.  I made it through cancer treatment on my own.  Not a lot of people can say that.

I think about those moments where I did travel on my own.  On my first trip to San Diego, I remember stepping outside to go for a walk and I had a beautiful view of the city.  I really couldn't believe I made it on my own.  It was just so breath taking.  On my last day of San Francisco, I remember walking through the streets on my own and thinking what a great city it is.  I even walked the crooked street.

I may not have the pictures, but the memories are in my heart.  I wish I hadn't done that.  I had a horrible and bad moment.  I kind of wish I could go back and get it right with the pictures. 

And no, Harold the idiot lives in Oregon with his wife that doesn't shave her armpits so no danger of me running into him.  The streets of San Diego are safe from his words not wording - thank god.    


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