Intimidating Anxiety

 With my new work assignment, there's one person that kind of intimidates me.

Maybe 2 years ago?  I had accidentally closed out something that needed to stay open. I came back from lunch to see a message in all caps asking me why I did that?  When I looked at what they were talking about it looked like I might have mistaken one thing for another. I apologized but I didn't forget the feeling.

I have talked to this person and they are perfectly nice with the conversation we had.  I see emails that are kind of scathing to other people and I think well, don't take it personal. I've heard comments from others that they could be crabby with them.

I get it.  I've had my share of people like that over the years.  It's hard for me because I feel like if I send an email, I might get an angry call.  Or a message that might upset me.  I feel like I have to take a deep breath and let that email with a question fly.  

It's always been that way.  I was scared of a lot of teachers as a kid.  I don't think a lot of my grade school teachers were too patient with me. I horrified my sister when she found out that I had gotten a "milkshake" from a teacher in the 5th grade.  He was known to shake kids.  I got more like an accordian shake.  It was because he wanted me to sit down.  He didn't have to say it three times.  He didn't even say it once.  He was in a bad mood and grabbed by the wrist and shook me until I sat down in my seat.  It was humiliating.

It's just been life experiences that have shook me.  I don't think one incident traumatized me.  Just a recurrence of feeling like I was the worst person when something happened when someone snapped.  Even though you hear, You can't take it personal?  You do.  

And as far as someone coming into a bad mood and taking it out on others?  Buzz off.  I'm not here for people like that.  It's a poor excuse. I have a lot of reasons to be in a bad mood and I left that when I came into work or even sign in online. I was thankful I didn't have to work at the office last year or I would have been reported for all the crying in the parking lot I did.  Narcs and jackasses.  Snitches get stitches people.  

I had someone that knew how to crush me unexpectedly and just laugh in my face.  We'll call her Irma.  This was the person that lost on it on my last day of treatment.  I was nervous to start working with her because I could hear she was difficult and she was.  She could be hilarious at times but at other times?  Crushing.  There was someone that did not like me who befriended this person and would hang out in her office.  This person?  We'll call her Velma would to tell me how close she was with Wilma.  Wilma liked to call me and cut me off mid sentence when I would answer a question.  When I waited to go to lunch one day after I called her with a question, Wilma called me up and laughed that she couldn't talk to me because her and Velma were talking about their weekend in their office.  Did I say she was exhausting?  Yeah, she was exhausting.

Years ago, Wilma had a nanny job in a far away foreign country and befriended a woman who had the same cancer I did.  She fought to get this woman into the United States and for treatment which was a very noble thing.  It kind of made me look forward to working with her when I read her biography before she started.  Then I got to know her.  When she went on vacation with her family to a much nicer place than Wisconsin, she sent me pictures of what a good time they were all having.  She loved to rub her life in everyone's faces.  She was not humble at all.  She made a point of calling and harassing me while she was gone. I thought it was a time to catch up.  No such luck.  On her final day, she sent me a picture of the airplane she was on and I was wishing horrible things.  I decided to block her. I regretted giving her my cell phone #.  She was being abusive and when she got back, she laughed about it with everyone on how she sent me pictures of her trip.  I said Jokes on you when you try to call me because I blocked you. She didn't believe me until she tried to call me and tell me she would be late.  She had to use the company phone and call my extension.  Who's laughing now?

When I told her that I would be out on medical leave and why, she gave me a hug. I thought maybe she would lighten up.  She was very nasty and rude when I said I had to leave early one day.  She didn't know it but it was the start of more tests coming for me and I suspected it was.  She made a point of being put out that I was leaving for a doctor's appointment.  When I returned, she let me know how much she missed me and how it's important her work gets done first.

The week that I had my surgery, our group had a baseball game outing planned the day of my surgery.  Velma called me to say, Since you're not going, can I have your ticket?  How sweet. I didn't have a ticket and I told her to go ask the organizer.  

During my final two weeks when I would get up and leave at 2:15, my phone would ring after I sent an email to Velma and the other person I worked for I was leaving for the day.  They both knew my schedule but I had to think about them.  

And then the final day she lost it on me.  I had enough.  I was just spent emotionally.  People around me saw me shaking and sobbing.  For weeks on end, I had anxiety to be around Velma.  She wouldn't even look at me for that one almost mistake I made. 

I accepted working for Velma after that incident and got used to her ways.  I dealt with her getting stressed out before her vacations and taking it out on me while she would brag and send me pictures of her trips and bragged about her kids.  When she found out I went to a nail salon in her neighborhood for awhile, she acted appalled that someone like me was in her nice east side village.

I have to tell myself that life is different and if one person seems a little strict or harsh on me in an email, I never have to read the book that they wrote.  I can just go to my room and eat ice cream when they upset me and hug the cat.