Busted Heart

 I told myself I wasn't going to look at my blood results.

I did.  It wasn't bad. Better than I expected but one number that was up and bothers me.  Non-HdL, I think?  I knew I'd blow one of those numbers.

I wasn't going to look because I felt like I'd flunk everything.  I'll see my doctor next week and apologize for that sucky number and my weight.

I worked really hard 7 of the 8 years that I went through treatment.  I got nowhere with my weight and by year 8, I was tired of walking 60 miles on my fitbit and losing 2 ounces.  I haven't had the energy to push myself with weight loss and exercise.  I do exercise even if it doesn't look like. 

We used to have to go through these biometric screenings where everyone had to stand in line and get weighed and told how bad our numbers were.  I usually sat there and got lectured about my weight until I finally told one of the testers I guess there was a reason I got cancer because I'm so fat and cried.  She hugged me.

I had gained weight shortly before it all happened and I was trying to lose weight.  I am SO VERY AWARE about weight gain  and how it could have played a role in me getting cancer.  Yeah, I blamed myself a lot.  I had someone blame me for it.  

My nephew took a picture of all of us when my niece and grand niece were here.  When I saw the picture, I burst into tears.  I felt like I ruined the picture.  I know that's not the case.  I saw someone so unhappy with themselves.  I think that's what happened.

I had so many people push food at me when we were at the office that didn't understand how hard it was for me.  

I had gained the weight the year that someone tried to get me fired.  I medicated myself with food.  I still do. I don't like that.

I don't need the lectures from anyone because nobody does a better job at beating myself up than me. 

I know.  Tomorrow is a new day. 

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