The Invisible Woman Chronicles

 What do I wish for my birthday? I don't want to feel like I'm anyone's obligation.  I want to actually feel like someone wants me around because they like me.   Stupid birthdays. I think they remind me of what I'm missing.  If I went on Facebook and wrote a post about how I just wished I had someone that I could have coffee with (even though I don't drink coffee, I do drink a beverage, damn it), people would be hurt like Corinne. If she was still in the area, I would happily meet up with her and I know she would be open to that.  I'm just thankful she messages me a few times a week.  When I see days where she's posting online and doesn't respond to my message, I feel a little hurt.  In her case, I get it.  She was me for the longest time so I think she's used to her own bubble. Nothing will top me asking Cassie where I can find a good mover and not hearing from her for a few days.  Yet, I saw all the Snap Chat alerts she was online....

I don't feel prepared and it doesn't feel like I'll have another week off effective next week.  I was used to just doing 3 days the first week in November to help me with my election trauma. I found out I could take a day off for my birthday as well as one for voting.  Why not?  I didn't think it would be a popular time.  Then the diva announced she would be out as well but it didn't seem like anyone knew because well she doesn't know how to fill out things properly.  Don't ask me because I make her feel stupid.  Sigh.  My mom has said repeatedly I listened to you.  You were nice to her and she's an ass.  Yeah. I know.   I thought someone was yelling a fat comment at me when I was standing at the light waiting for it to turn green when I walked back from lunch.  I looked up as the truck passed and he yelled "Go brewers!"  I forgot I was wearing a Brewers zip up hoodie I got about 10 years ago.  I waved.  I though...

 To anyone who criticized Milwaukee, you can stay home from the parade that's probably happening today.  You don't get to celebrate the Brewers if you've criticized Milwaukee. That is awesome about the Brewers.  I'm happy for our city.  Hard to believe it was 1982 when I went to see them with my dad.  My dad would have been thrilled for this happening.  He probably would have had 12 beers before nine am.  I mean that with affection. I can say that. I think of Frick who is a big baseball fan.  She made out like Milwaukee was the most dangerous city.  Well you can stay home, ma'am.  We don't want your kind here. No parades for me.  Another day figuring out messes and getting to spend some time with the diva and others this afternoon.  There's been some shuffling around and now the diva and Regina will get to spend some time working together.  I hope they don't step on each other's toes.  Yes.  That was sarcasm. I a...

Looks like we're supposed to get a fair amount of rain next week when I'm off.  BOOO!!!!  I'm hoping it's not as bad as I think it'll be or it won't happen at all. I'm in a less black mood this morning.  I realized Thursday is the anniversary of my dad's passing.  28 years.  I wonder if that makes me feel meh about birthdays.  I don't know.  I don't like to think about me sitting on that hospital room floor outside of ICU that night.   There's someone that I have talked to online - another cancer survivor who has gone missing.  It's been about 10 years of us talking off and on and it's been about a month. This person actually lives in Canada and has had bad health.  Older woman and I suspect she's passed. I have no way of finding out and I'm just feeling a little heart sick about it.  This was someone I could talk to and I kind of suspect she's passed.  Too much of this happening.  It's hard to take. My day wasn't ...

Well yeah, I guess I get why I feel blue.  Birthday is on Monday. Another reminder.  Another day.  I don't know what to say other than it makes me want to cry thinking about it. I had a lot of wishes and hopes after dealing with cancer and how life would be different.  It's the same and it's even tougher.  I keep telling myself you'll get through this. I really get tired of just getting through things. I really get tired of just getting by.  I really get tired of putting a positive spin on things that are really just shitty.   I'm just tired. I think I'll be ok once my birthday is here and kind of snap out of this funk.  It's always the lead up it seems that throws me into this funk and once the day comes, I don't feel so bad and it's kind of the start of the holidays. I had a tough day yesterday.  Problem after problem and I'm like I have no idea how to deal with any of this. I know everyone else in our group is dealing with the same....

 I have officially lost my side of the bed again.  First Precious and now Honey Bear.  Oh well.  Back to my old side.  I'm just glad she didn't try to use my head as a sparkly ball and swat at it in the middle of the night. I stepped on the scale yesterday.  I expected a jump up with company and it did.  It was small so small victory?  Not really.  It's still sad.  So sad.  Sigh.  I'll keep trying because I never want to be offered another 3x anything even if there's a disclaimer, but I don't think you're that size.  A cup of microaggression anyone?   I am relieved to be done with my postcards and writing for now.  It is what it is.  I hate that saying.  I got some things run to Goodwill yesterday and I will be back making future trips.  I so badly need to organize things.   I feel like people have forgotten me in life.  I know.  Where did that come from?  I just do....

I really don't have the Sunday scaries.  I mean, maybe I should.  I'm doing my best.  Last week it was said to me I have enough on my plate. I had previously felt like I was just a failure and falling down all the time.  It was said in a nice tone, but the implication was there. I do have off again the week after next.  Kind of nice.  Kind of the same plans - hair cut, eyebrow wax.  This time I'm the one with the medical appointment.  I'll take any suggestions on this weight loss nightmare.  Don't care if I have to eat cucumbers for the next six months.  I'm sick of this.  I hope I made the right decision.  I'm not going back to where I was back in April.  No and no.   The diva announced she too would be out the same week as me except I don't think anyone knew that information.  That sounds about right for the diva.  I was missing the Thinker in our last call.  The diva plans on working in my area ...