So Much for a Treat Myself Day

 The nail place was nice but I don't think I'll be back.  I keep looking to see if I have a bruise on my back.  No.  Nobody beat me.  Feels like it.

It was the chair that I sat in when I got my pedicure.  It was a massage chair and I thought it was really nice working on my back but when I woke up this morning, I felt like I got punched in the back.  I don't know if that was a great thing.

I think I pissed off the guy at the front desk for texting him about a receipt.  I explained I needed it so I could get reimbursed. I checked my spam mail and finally I said could you please email it to me and he did.  He made me feel like a cheap ass.  Maybe I am a cheap ass.  I don't know.

The place seemed cramped.  It was kind of unfriendly except for the woman sitting next to me. I liked talking to her.  It just didn't feel like a great fit.  Do I regret doing something nice for myself?  No.  This just maybe wasn't the place for me. I liked the idea that they had Sunday appointments where a lot of places aren't open on that day.  It's fine by me.  This might make me work up the courage to go back to the old place.  I don't know why I feel apprehensive.  I think it's the reviews and how people are getting dinged if you show up late.  Sometimes traffic can be questionable with construction so that makes me worry.  I had to take city streets over part of the way to get there.  Kind of stressed out by the time I walked in.

I have been forgetting too much lately and last night it broke me.  I'm not upset that my memory is overloaded.  It happens to all of  us.  I'm upset at what I missed out on.

I like what I do every day but do I love it?  No. I didn't go to college to be an assistant.  I didn't go to college to be a doormat for others and well, here I am.  I didn't make it trying to sell my writing either.  I live with it and have accepted it. I don't think of myself as a Harold who will cry and bemoan that I was in a rock band and we were really good.  

Vote Forward had an opportunity to write letters to people sharing your personal story and I signed up to show that I was interested.  They asked me to write a sample message and I did.  Mine was about healthcare and my own experience. I got an email Friday telling me that I got picked and they wanted me to join their training last night.

As I was watching TV, I realized the training was supposed to have happened and I thought how come I didn't get a reminder?  I could have sworn I set myself a reminder.  I went through my emails and I realized I never registered.  Why did I forget to do that?  You tell me.  

I cried as I got ready for bed.  I'm still a little weepy.  It's just a stupid volunteer thing.  I have to come up with more money for stamps which may not be a good thing for me.  I cried because I felt a little recognized and I blew it.  I fucking blew it and it's kind of breaking my heart today.  Will I rebound?  Yeah. I will.  I'm just so sad.

It's ok that I didn't get to have a family of my own or find that great love.  It's ok that I didn't get to be a writer.  It's ok that maybe my life was meant to be different.  It's just sometimes those little wins mean so much to me.  People have no idea how hard it has been for me.  Well they don't listen and they don't care.

I really appreciated that win and I'm so sad that I blew it.  

I did write an apology email.  I know it's not going to make anyone change their mind but I at least wanted to say I appreciated being asked to participate.

Damn it.  I don't know what's wrong with me lately. 

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