Up too early

I just had a bad night of sleep.  I've been up since about 5:30.  I mean, I get up at 6 or shortly after.  I was up a few times in the middle of the night.  Honey Bear was thrilled.  She got to prance around on my bed and twirl like a maniac.  Glad she's feeling comfortable to spend time in my room.  Wish she'd sit her hyper butt down and go to sleep.

I thought I'd try this new website or app that sells clothes easily. It's called Vinted.  It should be called Scammed.  I was kind of surprised when one of my fleece hoodies sold right away.  I had to fill out some additional information and it suspended my account.  For what?  I looked online and Reddit forums talked about how the same thing and they had to go through legal.  No.  I'm not doing that.  Bye bye Vinted.  I'll go back to the dumpster fire that I lovingly know as eBay.  

I looked to see if there were any shoes I could sell and I just don't want to sell any.  I used to have a bigger collection and I got rid of a lot over the years.  Shoes never fail you like a pair of pants does.  The need isn't there working from home.  I used to have to deal with other women making snide comments about what I spend on shoes.  I have no life.  Give me my shoes. I have boots that I don't want to give up.  Someday I'll be able to wear a pair of jeans again without feeling like I'm choking my stomach.  

Even though I wear sneakers more, I am picky about what I get.  No way in hell would you ever catch me wearing a pair of New Balance.  That says I'm lame and I used to wear that brand.  Maybe it's the years of selling shoes that make me say Meh.  And Skechers.  I had a pair years ago that were bright blue and I think what the hell was I thinking?  I do like Nike but I don't like their price.  I seem to be hooked on Adidas the last few years.  I kind of find their sneakers quirky and my vibe.  I wear the hell out of them and kind of hate I'm looking for a new pair in six months because there's a hole in them from all the walking I do.  

I thought I heard Charlie leave but his car is still here.  I did hear him rumbling around.  Wondering when Jeremy is coming back. I thought maybe he was headed to the airport and get him.  For all I know, Jeremy may be gone longer.  My brother in-law found out from Charlie that Jeremy has a home in Thailand as well.  I really hope they don't raise the rent much.  I'm so tired of everything getting raised on me.

I woke up with a blaring headache around midnight. I don't like to take Excedrin past a certain hour because I'm afraid I won't go back to sleep. I didn't care.  If it made the pain go away, then I can always nap.  I went back to sleep while Honey Bear flipped her fuzzy ball around on my bed.  She's so cute.  Just glad she's not swatting at me.  

I hated that I felt so weepy last night.  Loneliness will do that to you.  I have been lonely since childhood.  Part of me is ok with being alone.  Part of me is bothered that when I've made attempts to reach out or be more social, it's ended badly.  When I think I'm part of a group or a community, I find out I'm not included.

When I worked at Target in college, I thought that I had made friends for life, even after I left.  I remember we were all going to go to a comedy club together.  My friend Margo was going to give me a call and let me know who was picking who up.  My boyfriend or sort of boyfriend was going at the time.  We were in this state of flux where he hadn't decided if I was good enough and I was accepting of that.  I was excited to go anywhere so I'd take the time to get out of the house for a night and have fun.

Nobody called.  They all went and left me at home.  I did try calling Margo and I found out she had left.  We didn't have cell phones back then.  I didn't feel like I could call my sort of boyfriend because I didn't know if I would offend him.  Yeah. Those are the things that I would accept from a person.  

I did get a call from Margo the next day apologizing.  She had forgotten to call me and when she saw my boyfriend, she asked him if he called me.  He had forgotten.  I don't know if that was the case either.  He was another dangler.  It was just one of many moments where I got forgotten about or just dismissed.

I tell you, if someone needed something that involved me giving them money, I was their person.  

I blamed myself for losing touch with Ethan and Josh years ago and the truth was, they were doing stuff with other couples, at least Josh was.  The days of us wandering around Bay View late at night or watching Letterman in their basement was ending.  Josh did try to fix me up with one of his friends.  Too bad the friend was 17.  Oh, that's a whole other blog post.  Josh honestly thought he was 22 at the time.  I could see that things were moving away from me, so I moved away from them.  

I didn't think I'd reach this age and feel like I don't belong anywhere.  

It's ok that I'm not part of a group.  I'm more of a one on one person.  Two at the most.  That's what I liked about hanging with Ethan and Josh back in the day.  It would be us, their little brother and maybe their annoying neighbor.  

I'd be happy if I could text someone and let them know how I felt last night.  I would have felt better if I had one friend that I could talk to who would respond.

I do have Corinne and I know she cares.  She's also busy with her sister, her husband and the farm.  I feel a little guilty when I have my moments of spilling my anxieties.  She has done the same so I know she gets it.

I can't admit my vulnerabilities to anyone.  I get the maybe you should go see a therapist just to make me go away.  It's a comment that I feel is used to not listen to me or they just don't want to listen to me. I can't even admit I have some anxiety about driving on the freeway without getting a referral for a therapist.  I drove on the freeway yesterday.  I'm afraid of my insurance rates going higher and bad driving for crying out loud.  

I feel like there's a throwaway line if I ever admit that I'm stressed out about life or feel unsure about some things.  Listening to me is too much for anyone.

I once had a doctor years ago who would let me talk for a moment and maybe share something from her life.  She actually listened to me and understood.  I actually felt like someone cared about what happened to me and I would walk out feeling 10 times better.  I felt like whatever was bothering me, I could do this.  I had that little moment that helped me get over whatever was upsetting me.

Nobody wants to listen to me now.  That's the hard truth.