Time and Healing

I look over at the trunk next to my desk during the day and I have those moments where it just hurts.  I don't cry. I just feel heartbroken about her.  It's getting better.  There have been some things happening that have helped with me trying to heal lately.  

Meanwhile, in my day to day world, the diva is on my nerves this week.  When I had to leave that Friday, there wasn't a lot of us in our group online and when asked about who can be in charge for rushes, the diva piped in right away.  Kind of relieved at the time and I figured she was pissed off about me not being in the next day so she could boss me around. I mentioned to someone that there are individuals who will say they will help and they won't.  I hope they're observing who it is.  Yesterday, someone else needed help and she was first to offer.  The other day I was asked along with Regina about something we both had a lot of and the diva was quick to offer her help for Regina.  It took a minute for her to say my name.  You too.  Gotcha.  The entitled behavior is just annoying me more than usual.  

I hate that because this is someone I opened up to about a lot of things and I kick myself for doing that.  I think don't trust people because here's Example A.  That's a horrible thing to think. People like her make me lose my trust in others.

I got a surprise the other day. I heard from my old friend Josh.  He thanked me for the condolence card for his mom and wanted to send me a thank you card but couldn't find the envelope I sent the card in.  I really hadn't expected to hear from him or Ethan.  It was just a card.  I wanted to express my appreciation for their mom when we went to school and that I was truly sorry for their loss. I didn't like a lot of my friend's moms but their mom was so nice and down to earth.  It really made me smile hearing from Josh. I didn't expect them to invite me over for dinner or lunch.  I think I'll make a note during the holidays to send them both cards.  Keep the connection there.  Josh had sent me a get well card when I had surgery 11 years ago and he said he'd pray for me.  Ethan has always been nice to me on Facebook, he's a little more active than Josh which there is nothing wrong with that.  We could all spend less time on social media.  Glad to hear from him.  It was nice.

It made me glad that I sent the cards and took a chance on people.  Not everyone is like the diva or the list of characters I've had in my life - Harold, college boyfriend, nail guy, Frick and Frack.  As I told Corinne, Ethan and Josh were good guys and friends back in college.  We weren't our different ways.  They got married and I made bad choices.  I clarified they didn't get married to each other too just for the record.  I wish I had stayed in touch, even if it wasn't much.  I just felt like they didn't need me in their lives at that time and I thought I was going to take over the world.  I have regrets about that but I have new appreciation for them as I've gotten older.  I'm happy just to exchange holiday cards and wish happy birthdays on facebook.  I know they're both good people and I think Josh has a lovely wife. I actually went to high school with her, she was a year ahead of me and she was always nice to me.  I don't know Ethan's wife but I did met the one that was his first and really glad she's not there anymore because well, she sucked back then and probably does now.  Anyway, he looks very happy with his wife and their two boys.  I'm happy for them.

I think tomorrow morning, I'll be at the post office again buying my stamps, wondering about that smile.  It's ok if nobody smiles at me tomorrow.  I'll find my own.

Have a good day good humans.