Root against you

 Have you ever had anyone root against you?  I have and I know I still do, even if it's in more subtle ways.

I was at a pampered chef party in my early 30s.  My sibling told one of her friends about how excited she was for a mutual friend to have a baby.  It was said in plain ear shot, It'll be the only time I'm an aunt to someone who's like a sister.  It was like my life was destined to be childless when I heard a comment like that and it was.  No, I don't blame her, but it was hurtful to say something like that.

Early on in my relationship with Harold, my mom had wondered if maybe she would live in northern Wisconsin because she thought that I would be moving to California someday.  The response was, She'll never move to California.  They didn't know Harold.  They didn't know anything about Harold.  Granted, I didn't know anything about Harold.  It was best I didn't move and glad I didn't move to California.  Still, was that just a comment that was meant to say I'll never have love in my life?  I feel like that's what was meant.  Oh, we could take many ways but knowing the personality, I'm going to place a bet on what that was meant.

I get pictures sent with happy weekends and going to events.  I absolutely hate it.  I'm fine with my life and I try to find joy in the little things.  I feel like I have this person hanging over me that wants to make sure I'm always going to stay unhappy and not live a good life.  It's such a mixed feeling.

I think I put a lot of faith in Harold because I just didn't want this person to say I knew that was going to happen.

If there was a chance that I had someone, this would stay quiet.  I wouldn't want this person to know one thing about the other person.  I wouldn't want this person to know I might actually have happier days because I tell you, they would find a way to put a black cloud over it.

I almost think they've been happy that I've been dealing with my health problems.  Might shock them to hear that but when you've had a lifetime of constant criticism, you have to wonder if that's what they thought.  Maybe deep down I think it made them happy. 

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