Embracing It

Last night, I went to bed early.  I didn't go to sleep.  I wanted to just check out of life for the evening.  I was tired.  I embraced the depression.

It just built up over the day.  I think it started when I got gas. I thought maybe I could find a station on Gas Buddy but the cheapest was 3.89.  I just couldn't bring myself to fill it up completely. I thought where do I go?  Nowhere.

We were at the store waiting for someone to wait on us at the deli when I let my mom know that I was behind her and she snapped at me.  I apologized.  I knew she didn't sleep much. I said I just wanted her to know I was on her side because of her vision issues.  I got flustered when I used the do it yourself check out. I felt like I couldn't get the bags open and the cashier helped me.  My mom asked why I was red in the face and I said I don't know.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve I guess.

I was missing Precious last night. I thought how sad am I that I miss a cat?  She was a kind and loving cat and she loved me.  She was my comfort.  It was a lot.  Have people disappointed me that badly?  I thought about Corinne and her husband not being able to come to Milwaukee this fall.  Yeah.  I get it.  I get a lot with a Toyota.  They're driving a bigger vehicle and probably get 2 miles to the gallon.  I thought of not seeing my niece and Charlotte this summer and it just got me.

I thought maybe I could watch the news for a minute and it was the felon using A1 images and I turned it off.  I really wanted to be wrong that I would feel like this back on November 6th, 2024, but yeah, I was right and I hated it.  I thought of what's going to happen to people who have less than me?  The food aid thing disgusts me.  I thought of how the bragger will not get replaced so we all have to work harder.  The world crashed on me around 9 last night.

My mom came in and asked me if I was ok. I told her everything I was feeling while I sobbed.  I said it's just a lot and she understood.   Yeah.  She snapped at me.  She's worried too about her snap benefits.  Her social security.  I understand where she's coming from.  Life is crushing people like us.

I went to sleep at some point after I talked to her.  I felt better but still felt bad.  It's just been a lot and it's so hard to take.  I hope the people who have the bumper stickers I drink liberal tears are happy.  They can make a six pack out of mine.

I got up this morning and I don't think I embraced the new day.  I felt like I could get through it.  It's what I do.  I just accept it.  

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