The Invisible Woman Chronicles

I was coming down the escalator of Whole Foods this morning when I walked past a few people headed up the escalator and I heard someone mumble a word or words like got enough?  I could be wrong but it made me turn to see if someone was talking to me.  The person going up the escalator was looking right at me as I turned and I was just puzzled.  Why were they talking to me?  What did he say exactly? I'm not sure about the words. It sounded like got enough?  I thought is that a fat comment?  I realized I had some of the paper bags in my hand. I had about 7 or 8 bags.  I also purchased something too as well that was in one of those bags so I got a feeling it was about me hoarding bags. If you have nothing nice to say, then shut up, please.  Honestly I hope that wasn't the reason I got a smart comment.  The bags get put to good use and I am a returning customer.  It's paper bags for crying out loud and they help with recycling. I've taken th...

I haven't felt like writing much.  My mind feels blank some days.  I might be having a bout of depression and just feeling blocked.  I don't know if it's the time of year where I have to push myself harder.  I feel like I'm losing steam most days. Ok, I got the sad part out.  Onto the new topics. As a kid, I remember vividly coming down to my basement after my mom had come from work and she was sitting on a chair crying.  I asked her if she was ok and she wasn't.  She made pizza ovens and well, the women weren't nice.  She was a good worker and a hard worker.  She was always subjected to bullying.  I hated that.  I knew about it and it would be a lifelong theme for me.   It seems like it was the same situation at this food pantry she was going to.  Initially, everyone seemed so nice and was generous with her, making her feel overwhelmed by their kindness.  I don't know what's changed but it seems like it's in the...

Yesterday was a little bit of an anxiety ridden day but it's in the dust so today is a new day.  Knock on wood. My mom has been getting bullied by someone at the food pantry that she goes to and she doesn't want to go back.  I'm ok with it.  I know she wanted to do it to help but I don't want her to feel like she has to do it.  It was nice to get some of the stuff but I reminded her that a lot of it is expired and I don't need anything expiring in my stomach.  I can go to Taco John's for that.  She was really bothered by someone being rude to her and then people skipping in line.  I'm fine with her giving it a rest or not going back.  It was a nice thing but it's not a necessary thing either.  It seems like people are getting greedier and she said that a lot of the women go to all of the food banks around the Milwaukee area.  Well that's disgusting.  That's a little too much. Sigh. We actually got a turkey we think might be spoiled....

I know the short weeks can be more stressful but after last week, I hope that's not the case.  Then again, I have my weekly call with the group.  So excited to hear what insulting thing someone will say to me next.  Sigh. Still not sure if I want to open the windows.  Afraid that I might break them.  My mom is convinced that Precious can never sit in a window again because they have screen windows.  She's never clawed a window but well.  That's my mom.  Freaks out over things like that.  Sigh again. It's my goal to maybe put some things back where they belong and straighten stuff out.  What a mess of a year.  Between having to find a new place at the last minute and then hiding stuff every time they brought a window person up to do an estimate and then the window installation, I'm done.  I want to hibernate from people until after the holidays.  Too much.   The thinker thought that I should apply for the position...

I have years of experience with the work that I've done and I probably should be farther along.  I'm not.  In some ways, I'm ok with it.   An email came out for an opportunity in our group to more or less being a leader, a senior.  Am I the one with the most years?  Yes.  Am I qualified?  Yes.  Am I going for it?  No.  That sounds terrible.  It sounds like I'm lazy and don't have the ambition.  Not true.   Maybe if the group dynamic would change, I might be open to it.  After the incident with the diva, I know I'm not open to it.  I'm listened to by the mean girls.  They would just make my life miserable.  I can keep somewhat of a distance.  Somewhat.   Years ago, when my first manager left, someone asked why I didn't apply for her job, I said would you listen to anything I had to say?  They admitted no, they wouldn't.  I said you have your answer.  My worst fear ...

I have people.  They live far away.  If my brother in-law lived here, he could help with the blinds and get the bracket back up in my room.  If Corinne lived here, she would happily come over to help out and make things better. I don't have these people close by.  That sucks.  I can watch a video on how to get the blinds down in one of my windows.  That's not a big deal.  We were worried about the bracket that got knocked off by the window guys.  We don't want to mess with the new window and do any damage.  My brother in-law might know how to do it but we may not see them for even longer than the spring because we don't know if my sister will be going back to work and they can take the time. Sigh.  It's hard.  It's little things that would make a world of difference.  It makes me sound like I need a friend to help me put up blinds!  No, I just wish I had a friend nearby that I could help if they needed something and vice v...

It was a tough day.  We had windows installed.  I don't know if Precious will be able to look out the window with these new windows but the worst part is over.   Today I hit my limit with the diva.  I saw that there was a question from her about my area of knowledge after I had signed off and I wasn't sure if she got the answer she needed, so I responded. I had a feeling it was a bad idea and I was right. I got a response that this wasn't it.  It was something else.  The word choice just pissed me off.  I also noticed she in a call with the lurker.  I put in our group chat I'm sorry. I was trying to help. No, I'm not sorry.  I don't owe her anything.  I'm so tired of her talking to me like I'm a fucking idiot when she makes such insane mistakes.  I am tired of being belittled now that she has become friends with the big mean girl of the group.  She just talks to me terribly in groups but now I thought maybe I'd point it ou...

I guess you could say it's sugar for me.  It's comfort.  It makes me feel better.  When I have gotten stressed, that's where I go. I get that from my mom's side of the family.   I got a wake up call when I saw my mom's sugar.  It was under 200 but it was high and the glucose is a little over than what it should be.  She was sleeping when I checked her chart.  I didn't want to wake her up because well, it upset me. My aunt died a horrible death due to diabetes.  I thought of her and my mind went spinning to sadness.  I was and am still scared for my mom.  When she woke up from her nap, she was going to check, I told her what it was.  The look of defeat came over her face.  She said she thought it would be over 200.  When she saw how upset I was, she said she would do better. I said I will too.  The last month or so has been bad for both of us.  We had company and with her going to the food pantries, neither o...

The week went by fast.  I don't wish for time to go fast but I'll be happy when Thursday rolls around. Yeah.  The windows.  We're scheduled to get ours replaced on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I have been moving stuff around in my room the last day or so and will have to keep moving stuff until this is all done.  I was told I could work at home.  Well where am I going to work?  Sigh.  I started looking at places I could work for free if they do anymore work.  This really sucks.  I think I can work at a library if it happens again and tell me I have to leave the apartment.  I might just take the day off if that happens since mom also needs somewhere to go.  I don't think she can wander the library for 7 hours and 40 minutes.   I know I should be thrilled we're getting new windows.  Well I think will this get added into our rent next year?  I am worried that they are house flippers.  I don't know if that's the...

I don't even think I had this job for 2 months, maybe 7 weeks?  Back in the mid 90s, I got bored with my job at Old Line and went to a bank called M&I.  I was offered better money and I thought well I'll be in the heart of downtown.  The job was working in the mortgage department. I did not know what I was doing and I hated it.  I had horrible training and I felt lost every day that I went in. I so regretted leaving Old Line.  The woman who trained me was just crabby and didn't want to be bothered so I was left alone to figure things out.  I couldn't. What made it worse is that they gave all the employees some type of review maybe a couple of weeks before I left and they told me I needed to ask more questions. I thought well don't put me with someone who is a crabby bitch.  I had gotten a call from one of the jobs that I had applied for and they wanted to talk to me again.  It was a farther drive but when I interviewed, the atmosphere felt mor...

It was a better day yesterday.  I guess I just needed a moment to cry Monday night.  People being nice is a rare thing.  No wonder I am skeptical of someone's sincerity.  Too much of backstabbers makes me question everyone. Well it also doesn't help that we're living in an age where cruelty reigns supreme.  Sigh.  This time will pass.  I wish it would end soon. I guess we're getting new windows next week.  Charlie and Jeremy haven't gotten back to me how this will work with me working or if they need to be inside to do any work.  I wish it was over. I don't look forward to it.  I wish they wouldn't do so many repairs because I know we'll pay for it next year.  I'm happy they're here.  I'm just worried we can't stay here.   I got this thing off of Amazon to help with calluses and corns.  Maybe I'm throwing money away but I am so tired of this little annoyances on my pinky toes.  I have been using it the last ...

I went to bed feeling weepy and tired.  I had a day where my nerves were frayed from mean girls.  Or just games that people play.  I'm used to it. I offer my knowledge to the group and I hear crickets. I had given them information about a service we use some time ago.  I noticed that there was a form you can submit to this service where I use the website.  Because I had to contact a different office, I wasn't sure if I should send an email or what and I discovered the form that someone had submitted last week. I found the conversation where the lurker provided the information. It really would have been nice if they provided me with that information.  We have an area where we put that information and it's not there.  It's withholding information so they can be the one with all the knowledge. It's not my first time at this rodeo.  At my previous job, I had someone not share but yet I was expected to cover for him when he was out of the office. ...

I have a feeling I'll be getting shellacked with emails from being off the grid for 3 days.  So be it. I have a Friday off in a couple of weeks.  Hopefully things won't look so bad by then.  I hope.  Here's hoping there was no interference from the lurker or Regina.  They can buzz off.   Yeah, I did take a look and see what the diva was doing on her unexpected week off.  Going for ice coffee, pilates and commenting that she likes the nice things in life - good food, travel and being bent over a balcony.  People are morons on social media.  Most people wouldn't want to do any social media after going through a hardship.  I certainly didn't want to post Oh, look at me I have cancer but I'll be going to Starbucks.  Social media has made people more narcissistic.   I see the democrats who voted on forwarding the bill back to the house.  I get it and still disappointed.  People are going without paychecks and sna...

No, this won't be a Hallmark post or a nightmare on Elm Street post either.  This week, when I went through Cathedral Square and saw the decorations I actually felt happy seeing the whole scene.  I don't hate the holidays by any means.  I despise what people turn it into.  The greed.  The selfishness.  The me me me stuff.  I don't really have a reason to be too happy with all the weirdness with snap affecting our groceries and well life in general on a financial realm.  I felt like a few days ago that no matter, we'd get through it.  I felt kind of joy seeing the decorations. I always hated the gift exchange.  I worry about it and I have gone overboard when I didn't have the money for it.  If you think a gift exchange is ok with your co-workers, you are wrong.  We don't know each other's financial situations and it's none of our business. The first year at the law firm I worked at we were told to get your person three small gif...

So Snap benefits are on hold again.  Sigh.  I know we're ok but for others that would get their benefits later in the month or this week are in trouble.  I was surprised that it was Judge Jackson who put it on hold. I know it's a procedural thing.  It's also a moral thing as well too.  I saw someone online comment that Alito and Clarence Thomas were probably at a Klan meeting with Clarence's wife to respond to it and that amused me slightly because it's probably true.  It was just disappointing to see. What is so bad about wanting people to have food?  And not just adults, kids? This is why I burst into tears yesterday morning when I saw what Evers did.  We've had so much awful that we've had to take in this last year and to see something positive happening?  Feels like a miracle. This is what I worried about on November 6th last year.  Are we all going to be ok?  

I'm still blown away by Tuesday's night elections.  Does it make up for last year?  No.  That was horrible.  Does this give me hope?  Oh my god yes.  I didn't expect such big margins, especially in New Jersey.  I remember there was some concern about Phil Murphy winning re-election in 2021 and Virginia was lost to the vest guy.  Wow.  13 percentage points for Mikie Sherrill.  And New York City.  Wow again.  I actually told my mom it was ok to play Morning Joe while I worked and I listened to Mamdani.  How can you not like him?  I get it.  No way would I have wanted that old goat Cuomo as mayor for that city.  I'm laughing hysterically that people think Sharia law is going to be in effect.  How racist and ignorant.   Today, my mom got her snap benefits deposited today. I don't know how Tony Evers did that but god bless that man for making sure it happened.  We saw last night what the judge...

Let's try this again.  It's election day and even though these aren't presidential elections, they're important.  All of them are.  I am hoping for wins in New Jersey, Virginia, Pennsylvania, California and for a guy named Momdani.  Did I spell his name right?  I hope it's the start of a comeback.  Nervous but kind of feeling like the true believer might be here somewhere.   I can't believe the cruelty people have about the SNAP issue.  If you can get your nails done, then you can get a job.  How racist and just biased people are regarding anyone that gets some type of financial help.  We were doing fine until the big rent increase in 2023.  Don't judge people and just shut up.  I sat in an audit with an attorney years ago where they went over files.  The managing attorney was a complete asshole and made fun of one of the plaintiffs who had fibromyalgia.  He said is she fat?  How many cats does she have?...

A two day week will be a fast week.  I am looking forward to having time off.  I can get a hair cut and make my one eyebrow into two. Yesterday was fine.  It's a mixed feeling with birthdays as you get older.  You can get depressed thinking well, here I am and my life sucks.  I've done that too many years.  I can't really go oh, wow this was so magical when it wasn't.  It was a nice day.  I was happy for nice weather. I was happy for a free drink at Starbucks.  A barista talked to me so I guess someone did engage in conversation with me. I did see people my age talking so I guess it's not all college students.   I did get a couple of pair of funny socks from Corinne.  She was quite the sock afficionado when we worked together.  I got to admit I love the socks but the socks didn't love my skin.  Stupid eczema.  I had to take them off at some point in the day.  I hate that.  It seems like some of the fabr...

I seem to be having a case of malaise.  Seems kind of normal this time of year.  Starts getting darker and well tomorrow is my birthday.  I'll be 57 years old and I feel it.  Age is a number and your attitude.  My attitude is 157 right now.   I think there's a part of me that wishes for something to change and well, it doesn't.  It's ok.   I guess it just feels like another day. I thought if I wished that if I sat down somewhere say in a Starbucks near Boswell Books tomorrow morning, someone would strike up a conversation with me and we would talk for a moment.  It could be a male friend with potential or a female friend who's been kicked one too many times by other females.  The truth?  I would sit there by myself with my birthday drink alone.  It's kind of a college kid Starbucks so they would wonder why is the old lady crying in the corner.  Sigh.  It's ok. I'm not going to lament that I didn't achieve li...