Peace Promotion

I have years of experience with the work that I've done and I probably should be farther along.  I'm not.  In some ways, I'm ok with it.  

An email came out for an opportunity in our group to more or less being a leader, a senior.  Am I the one with the most years?  Yes.  Am I qualified?  Yes.  Am I going for it?  No.  That sounds terrible.  It sounds like I'm lazy and don't have the ambition.  Not true.  

Maybe if the group dynamic would change, I might be open to it.  After the incident with the diva, I know I'm not open to it.  I'm listened to by the mean girls.  They would just make my life miserable.  I can keep somewhat of a distance.  Somewhat.  

Years ago, when my first manager left, someone asked why I didn't apply for her job, I said would you listen to anything I had to say?  They admitted no, they wouldn't.  I said you have your answer. 

My worst fear came to light when Regina responded and she wanted to know the pay grade.  Sigh.  I felt sick.  I actually started crying when I signed off.  I wanted to move to a new group and I will move to a new group if she gets it. I know.  Your choice.  You could be the one.

I have been down a road where someone ruined me and my work reputation for a long time.  I don't think it was until Covid where things started to get better for me.  I can thank Betsy for that.  She threw out things about me that just put me out of favor.  Between her and Lorna, they helped knock me down. I didn't even know I was above anyone.  

Well we know what happened after that horrible year.  I got sick.  Is it Betsy's fault I got cancer?  No.  It's not.  Do I think it helped that I spent the year leading up to it horribly stressed and fearful about my life?  No.  She didn't help with my stress level.  I remember my mom asking a nurse if stress can affect someone getting cancer and a nurse mentioned that it can accelerate things.  I still don't blame Betsy but I think of that year.  

I shouldn't want to shrink or dull my shine for anyone.  I don't care.  I know who I am.  I get praise from people but I don't say anything about it.  I stay quiet.  I have tried to offer my help but I have been met with silence for the most part and when do I get asked?  I respond with kindness.

I'm 57 and I want my peace.  I would like a million dollars but I just don't want people playing games and doing dirty things to me like Regina and the lurker.  It kills me that the diva has joined in on being ugly towards me.  She's become my worst nightmare and after Wednesday, I really want to be out of this group.  

It actually makes me want to be back with Frick and Frack.  Oh my god.  At least they're closer to retirement.  

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