The Return of the Anxiety Queen

Nobody knew I wasn't writing last week.  It's my announcement to me that I've returned.

Last week was just a weird mix of emotions.  I think writing is good for me but there's also moments where I should step away and not think so much.  Or dwell.  Or whatever.  I had some postings where I'm like OMG I sound like such a Debbie Downer.

That's life.  It's just up and down and all around.  I just needed my mind to have a break.  I ended my work week freaking out and I'm still kind of worried about something.  I think the person who makes my eye twitch missed something but I may not have been the reason.  It was showing up on their calendar but when I talked to the person, it had the event in my name and I think did I do something?  WTF?  I wanted to cry.  I had a mini meltdown.

Making mistakes is going to happen.  It's how my mistakes have been handled by others.  It's the fear of someone else's reaction and I haven't always dealt with the most kindest people.  You don't forget some of these incidents and you convince yourself that will be the reaction.  It is what it is and I'll apologize for what I did on my end from that person.  I honestly think it was just an oversight, but I'm prepared for the worst.

My mom thinks she's the reason I'm so filled with anxiety.  I don't know about that.  I think maybe I have the same genes in the anxiety department but I don't blame.  People can learn to be more patient.  I just haven't had that with too many people.  I get the annoyed and pissed off people.  My teachers in grade school were crabby old broads who yelled at me for being quiet and intimidating.  Then I had to deal with nutcases in the work place.  I really don't think the person who makes my eye twitch falls into that category.  I think they can be a little scolding but you know, it's never disrespectful.  I mean, I had one account executive asked me What the F was wrong with me when he came across a couple of mistakes I had on a document in front of other people and slammed it on my desk.  I had a manager ask me how f-ing stupid am I?  Yeah.  I got issues.  

Today, I drove to Whitefish Bay for an appointment. I actually parked in Glendale.  It's a fancy place for getting things waxed and fancy facials. I just went for an eyebrow wax.  I couldn't get an appointment at the school so I figured this would be ok especially since I can get it reimbursed under our new wellness plan.  I like the salon and I wish I could afford the other stuff.  It seemed like their prices were better but no way in hell would I even think of using $200 on my lifestyle card for a facial.  I like the fact that it's a woman owned business but can you throw in a few coupons please?

Anyway, I parked my car in the Kohl's parking lot and figured it was a good morning to walk over there.  I cut through the parking lot by their post office and I had the horn blown at me.  Scared the living daylights out of me.  I turned around and had a car behind me. It was some old bat waving at me to move it. I was walking in front of her direction by the mailbox where she could drop her mail.  I just moved out of her way.  So damn impatient.  I wasn't looking at my phone. I didn't even have my ear buds in at that moment.  My mom asked if Lois was driving the car.  You know, I could see her doing that to me or anyone else.  So damn impatient.

I am nervous for the primary Tuesday. I don't know who I want to win. I just want them to win in November.  I might have to move to Michigan if we get Tom Tiffany.  I am joking.  I am nervous.

I realized that my Spectrum bill has gone up another $10.  I just can't with prices going up.

On the flip side, I probably sound like a fancy lady for saying that I'm going for my first pedicure in 4 years.  I went with Cassie when she won some package at Neroli.  I found a place on Oakland, Lin something and it's relatively new.  It got great reviews and 20% off for your first time.  I'll get reimbursed when I submit my receipt so I don't feel like I'm being a total idiot.  I had hesitations.  Kept talking to myself about it and finally did it. I won't cancel.  My callouses won't let me. 

I think I may have to change doctors soon or see someone sooner like maybe mid fall. I seem to have some issues with acid reflux and I'm kind of apprehensive because I'm afraid of the let's send you to 10 different doctors and run up some bills.  A couple of months ago, I did the Nexium thing and I was ok.  I was doing well. The last few days have been bad.  Today was better.  I went to someone 20 plus years ago.  Ordered two tests and then when I had the last test or procedure, he made me wait a few weeks.  I got a prescription that got denied so they filled it with a replacement.  I had trouble getting appointments so I took over the counter stuff that turned out to be bad (Zantac, anyone?) and one of my doctors said stop taking it, try Nexium for 14 days and see what happens.  It was better.  I wonder if maybe a prescription would help me?  I don't know.  I'll see someone.  I just know if I see the one that I have, he'll try to send me to five different places.  When he shrugged his shoulders at me about money, I realized maybe this isn't the best fit for me.

I hate having anxiety.  Yeah, I'm still thinking about that damn mistake.  Some people can shrug it off and I just can't seem to shake it off.  I feel like my whole world will end.  I hate that feeling.  I wish there was an anxiety angel who would say It'll be ok.  

It'll be ok.  I just never feel like it will be.