Here goes the waiting game

So I waited this morning and got my phone call.  Can't do anything until April 8th.  I'll be driving out to their other hospital for another screening and ultrasound.  So the fun begins with the wait game.  I got the consoling voice on the phone when I said I knew it was them.  Sigh.

I told my mom I thought things would be better after I went through it the first time.  People left and well good riddance.  I've been worried about our landlord possibly selling the duplex and after reading about how hard his life is?  I want to scream.

I finally have a little money in my checking and now it's going for medical.  Great quality of life.  I hope they take payments.  Everyone keeps taking from me.

You know, there wasn't love lost when my ex left me and got married.  It's the How come he gets to find his true love and I don't?  How come he lies and does bad things and finds his true love?  I did so much for this person who was so awful and I feel like he got rewarded and I got punched in the face.  I was a really good girlfriend to the few relationships I had in my life and I think how did I deserve any of this?  

I know, it's easier for rotten people to find someone.

I thought maybe I would find someone who would appreciate me and love me for what I've been through and I wonder, where are they?  Are they still in an unhappy marriage?  Are they at CVS?  Are they online?  Where are they?  I don't know.  

I'm just grateful that I don't have to deal with people at work wondering why my eyes are puffy and getting their fake smiles of sympathy wondering why I'm so sad. It's really amazing that women can actually take joy that you might have cancer again.  I fucking dealt with it in the office.  Me hurting was a joyful thing for a few people including Frick  

And Lois, oh my god, people thought she was a saint.  She admitted that she lied about her hunger strike in the book.  

I'm with what Shannen Doherty wanted. I don't want any fake people around me.  

Yeah.  I'm really scared right now and so sad.  It's not fair.  I need a hug.  I need to be ok for my mom and for Precious.

The waiting game is awful.  

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