Precious is gone and my heart is broken

I'm not ok.  It happened this morning.  I had to act fast this morning and we took her in.  I'm not ok. 

The vet thought she had a stroke.  He thought it was a neurological thing.  Her back legs weren't working and she was collapsing.

This happened within the last 24 hours.  She didn't seem ok.  She was crying more.  More meowing.  Seemed unsettled.  I thought is it my imagination?  

I saw her head to the litter box as I was getting done with my bath.  Her back leg buckled as she got in.  Then she slunk underneath the bath tub and in the corner.  I knew.  I knew this was bad.

When she came out, she was wobbling and my mom picked her up.  She held her for awhile and had her sit in the recliner.  That was their thing. I went to bed and I thought, maybe something will change.  I didn't think it would but if I go down the road of magical thinking, it'll keep me from crying.  

I laid in bed for an hour after my alarm went off.  My mom came in and told me she can hardly walk.  I knew I had to make that call then.  She stayed on my mom's bed until we left.  She wouldn't purr when I pet her.  She let out some painful meows and I thought this isn't good. 

When I made the call, I thought it's ok if any of the vets took her in. I was shocked I could get her in and when the young man said the doctor's name, I burst into bigger tears and said that's who I wanted.  She's seen him before and I knew this doctor was a kind hearted doctor.  He was always a sweet heart with her and I knew this was the person who would handle with dignity and humanity.

He did.  So did his vet tech.  She even gave her a treat before they gave her the shot.  She relaxed and I couldn't bear to see her face. I saw her body relax and I thought is she feeling pain?  I kissed her stomach before I left and told her I love her.  I thanked her for being in my life for the last 13 years.  The whole staff was kind to us when we walked out and cried in the parking lot.

I'm not ok.  I'm just so heartbroken that she possibly had a stroke.  I knew the day would come and I should tell myself that I didn't try to fix things to make it better for me and not her.  She was hurting and the vet said we did the right thing.  I'm just so heartbroken.  I so miss her.  I'm so missing her badly and the truth is, other than my mom, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.  I'm alone in my grief for the most part.

I thought I'd have people rally around me after I had my cancer diagnosis and the truth is, people vanished.  I was on my own.  It was a few days after my surgery and I was frustrated by a letter I received from the insurance company about denying my biopsy or having to do a review of it that I crawled back into bed to watch a movie. It was about the group TLC on VH1.  Precious jumped into bed with me and went to sleep next to me.  She put her paws around my arms.  I couldn't pick up anything over 10 pounds and she was 14 so it killed me I couldn't pick her up initially.

She was going to find me and love me if nobody else did.  I think of that moment a lot.  She loved me and I love her so much. 

I was so lucky to have her for 13 years.  It broke me I couldn't afford to get her clay paw prints.  I thought all I want is my cat. I never ask for anything and I didn't ask for this today.  I want my Precious back.  I want her back and I want her healthy.

I know when I wake up tomorrow that I won't feel like crying as much.  I might even get outside and feel better if I go for a walk. I might start to heal a little bit tomorrow.

Right now, I'm just beside myself.  I don't ask for anything.  I want my Precious back.  She didn't disappoint me like everybody else has.  

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