Talk to Me

I don't know why this is bothering me today.  This is something that's just hitting a nerve for some reason.

Today when I went for my walk, I saw my next door neighbor.  He actually lives a block over with his girlfriend but he still comes over to get away from her and her mother.  Sounds like a swell guy right?  He can be a crab and has been weird with us over the years.  Lately he's gotten weirder.  I actually saw him one night kitty corner from the street I was going to walk down.  I saw him turn his back at the corner.  I thought is it because he sees me?  Sure enough when I crossed the street and headed east, I turned at one point and saw him cross the street.  Ok.  All I would have said was hello.  Is that such an awful thing?

Today, when I stepped out, I said hey, Dave and walked past.  He saw me and never said anything.  The guys have a security camera on the garage so they might get a chuckle hearing me say, Don't say hello to me.  

In Dave's case, he's a jerk.  He told us that we could come to him if the monster caused us problems.  Then he told us we could move.  Since then it's been a mixed bag.  I won't say anything anymore.  Done and done.  Sell your house, jerk.  He's about 70 now.  Four bedrooms.  I don't know who would move in and maybe that would be a bad thing but I can ignore a neighbor.  Fine by me.

Then as I'm at the store, I see someone familiar.  It's Charlie.  I almost said something and I saw his face.  He was looking away.  He had ear buds in and he really did look like he was in another world.  He wears ear phones when he mows the lawn.  I took no offense and I thought get my stuff and get out.  He'd probably get anxious if he did see me and realize I might say something.  

I did see him at the do it yourself check out lane and I pretended I forgot something.  I waited awhile to come back.  He hadn't spotted me and if he did, he would see that I had the look on my face that I forgot something.  It gets frustrating when someone does shut you out like that when you really don't want to bother them.  Is it a crime to say hello?  I'm not going to coffee clutch. I don't even drink coffee.

When I came home to tell my mom about Dave, she was asleep in her chair.  She slept 3 hours last night so she's been sleeping off and on and at that point, I sat at my desk and cried.  

I don't care if Dave says hello to me.  I understand Charlie's shyness.  I am too.  I just thought am I so awful that people want to avoid me?  That's how it's feeling today.  It's like I got to say sorry for existing.  

I know in Charlie's case, I have been accused of being standoffish in the past.  I worked somewhere years ago where someone said that I was the rudest person in the office.  This person was also mentally ill.  They hired from some organization that deals with mentally ill people.  She sent me an angry email about not getting something done for her in time.  A manager wanted to see the email.  I apologized and someone had to explain to her that I didn't mean anything by me being quiet.  That's just who I am.  The person had to be escorted out of the building due to her mental illness.  She was cursing at people so I guess I wasn't the worst person on the planet.

I can't talk to Corinne about it because today is a good day for her.  It was this day when her husband came to the states and the day that they moved to central Wisconsin.  I'm not going to rain my loneliness on her happiness parade even though she understands.

I thought of people laughing at Dr. Fauci's journal.  They'd have a field day with mine. 

I just feel so bad today.  I don't know why I'm crying over something so silly like this.