The Anxiety Monster

The anxiety monster came to visit me late yesterday afternoon.  I've had two problem files and one is going sideways.  I saw an email and thought ok.  I'm not lingering with my time.  It was the end of the day and I just can't at this point.

Then I spent the evening trying not to think about it. I can ask about it on Monday.  There's another situation that's driving me crazy.  I'm kind of caught in between a rock and a hard place.

I hate it when my anxiety takes over my brain.  I try to work on other things or think watching TV will help.  Nope.  When I went to bed last night, I could still feel my heart racing.  It sucked.  Yes, I take something and it just wasn't doing the trick.

To all the people with their great advice?  Buzz off.  Honestly.  I wish people would just "do" instead of "say" all the time.  Talk is cheap.  Being there for someone actually means something.

It was like this when I was in school. I would get worked up about a test or something that would happen and I would get upset about it.  I would like the wiring in my brain fixed so I could not think about these things.

I know when I have to make phone calls, I get a little worked up.  Like it takes me a moment to work up the energy to call.  When I do, I'm fine.  Shockingly I get complimented on how well I interact with others when I make phone calls.  

I was so horribly shy as a kid and even as an adult, I struggle with it.  I hate it when I get called uptight.  To me, uptight means you're a stick in the mud. You're a prude.  No. I want to have fun. I want to enjoy life more.  I want to have a life where I don't have to worry as much.

I'm ok today.  I know I can talk to someone about my situation on Monday morning.  Someone might say that's what makes me good at what I do.  I don't know about that.  I feel like I'm failing most of the time.

Right now, I'm feeling annoyed with the lurker.  I know something is going on.  I know at some point something will be have to be said whether she comes back or not.  I'm also tired of feeling stressed out because of this person.  I really hope they're gone.  I really hope they've had enough. I know how that goes.  Person with 125 lives.  I resent the shit she's pulled on me and others.  I resent the fact that she's had so much time off and I really suspect a lot of it is not legitimate.  

The funny thing is, our group seems to be doing better.  Oh, the diva still makes me crazy and Regina still has her moments.  We seem to talk to each other more and seem more open with our questions.  The lurker made us message each other because we worried if we would sound stupid.  We actually have a little humor going on.  We also deserve to have someone that will be there full time and not play games.  

I wish something would get said one way or the other.  I suspect there might be an investigation going on about the email situation.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe the lurker will be back on Monday.

Despite my anxiety right now, I'm really ok with never having to see that person ever again.

Funny thing is that they would never turn on their camera until recently when they were forced to do it. Ironic, isn't it?  They would send their hurtful emails and messages and once they had to show their face to all of us, the internet bully got afraid.

Sigh.  I would like answers.  For now, I'll enjoy the time away and next week, I have four days.  My days off or time off are definitely being earned.

Off to my morning routines.  Got some postcard stamps to get this morning.

Have a good day good humans.