Feeling like I need the censor button

It was not a good day.  Or maybe morning.

I apologize for any "F" bombs that drop during this post.  

You always kind of worry like is there something I forgot when I had time off or did something bad happen?

I saw that I had a rejection on a filing.  It was the diva's morning to work on them.  I thought oh no. I can get it refiled. I had an influx of new files and filing and I just messed up.  Plain and simple.  When I looked closer, it appeared that the diva fixed it.  Ugh.

It's fine that she did.  It was the other thing that rang an alarm bell. When we make mistakes like this, we'll get a do over or this type of task to fix things.  Fair enough.  It was from a higher up and not the person it affected.

The funny thing is, anytime I've made a mistake with this particular woman, she will send me an email and ask me to fix it.  I send an email and let her know it's taken care of and she'll send me an email with a winky emoji.  She seems to know I try and I appreciate it. I don't take it for granted.  It would have been fair if it came from her.

I know how this happened.  The diva let our higher up know that I did this.  I know how the diva operated and this isn't a shock.  Did this make me angry?  VERY MUCH SO.

I thought, remember what you did the next time you're crying about someone being mad at you when we have a call and everyone is quiet, especially me.  I asked her what was wrong when she was crying during our calls and I had people message me about being kind and showing her grace.  I have seen the way that she's interacted online with this individual who is tough and she's been rude to this person.  You are doing this person's work.  It's their right to expect you to follow through and not give flippant answers like I've seen.

I was cursing her out in my mind about how much I did for her.  Lots of F bombs.  She's just a bitch.  Plain and simple.  There's a lot of things I'd like to say.  I know she was trying to train the Thinker on my area and I thought well, you don't even know it very well either and you've pissed off two out of three attorneys in the group so go ahead.  Go tell everyone how smart you are.

I've only went off on people a few times in my life.  I don't know if I'd ever do that if I saw her face to face.  She would play victim and cry if I got mad.

These are some thoughts I've had throughout my day that I would like to say.

You have zero patience with anything and your emails are so ungodly rude.  You are a professional and you don't tell people to hurry up with their responses.  

When she started, she would ask me to put down what I say in an email when it came to requesting certain things and I would find it and send it over in our chat.  

One of the things she would say is I'm not saying that abruptly.  Well don't fucking ask me what to say then if you think what I say in an email is stupid.  

If I couldn't find something quickly, I'd get a response, "I'm waiting."  I responded once, please have some patience. I haven't found what I'm looking for.  She would apologize but do it again.

When the lurker got caught making fun of her, I had sent an email to a higher up about what a great asset the diva was and how it worried me that this would prompt her to think about staying with our group.  She said to me more than once, I don't need this.  I can just quit.

The next day when I asked her how she was doing, she told me that she had gotten asked about other incidents with the lurker.  She then told me, You better stick up for me and not make me look like a fool.  

I told her I didn't.  I told her I sent an email on her behalf telling the higher up that she's a great asset to our group.

What a bully for saying that to me.  That was kind of the sign that maybe she's just a mean person.  The abrasiveness and rudeness were starting to get to me and  I was thankful that we weren't dealing with each other so much.

When she had asked me a question and then ignored me, put it out in a separate chat, I thought, I'm done.  She never listened to me about anything.  I told her certain documents didn't have to be filed, they could just be served and she didn't have to worry about incurring expenses.  She wound up coming to me with a nice sized report from all the stuff she did and was crabby with me when I had to walk her through the process.

I talked a lot about my time and how people have treated me.  She shared that she got shafted a lot as well.  I didn't talk to her about the lurker until things started happening and shared things weren't so great between us.  Then it seemed like she got closer to the lurker and Regina. I knew that was bad, but I have found out that they ignore her as well.  That didn't make me feel bad either.  

The thinker had shared the diva's anger over not being reimbursed for her gas for a trip to an in person event.  She was going to file a complaint about it.  I know it was an honest mistake and is it a mistake that's worth causing a ruckus about?  I'm not sure if she followed through but she doesn't live as far as she made out to and refused to go to the next event because she wanted to be reimbursed for her gas.

Since she loves to show off on social media, there are several things that make this matter look crazy.  She's not rich but I think her life is comfortable.  I thought the trip to Europe last year was a once in a lifetime thing.  No, there's another big trip to two different countries coming up and some islands.  Their house seems nice and her husband seems to be well established with two businesses.  It's not millionaire money but it seems not too bad.  

She told me when we first met she thinks it's great when we empower each other as women.  No, she steps on women like me. I know she thinks I'm weak because she called me this kind angel.  This kind angel knows your ass belongs with the devil lady.  I'm not stupid.  She steps on women if she thinks she can get away with it.

Last summer, I had to file something from one state into a different state's filing system and it took me about 2/3rds of my day to work on it and I got no where with all the phone calls I made.  My day was shot and I had a meeting coming up at the end of the day.  I asked for help and she offered.  She always tries to make you feel small when she offers.   She didn't have any luck that day either.  The following week, the paralegal had made other suggestions about contacting certain individuals and I still wound up getting rejected.  I happened to have off the following day.  We were leading into the 4th of July weekend and I had a doctor's appointment the day before so I took the day off.  When I returned, I saw that the diva had handled it.

When we had our call that week, the diva asked Regina and the lurker if they could all work on a document to make something like this work better the next time it happens.  They both told her this would be a rare occasion and I happened to mention seeing the emails. 

Her response?  I'M NOT SEEKING YOUR ACKNOWLEDGMENT.  Ouch.  I don't know why I even said anything. I was trying to pat her on the head.  She made mention of me being out.

I don't know why she has had a problem with me taking any time off.  Here we go again.  Bitch.  I had shared my cancer diagnosis which was a mistake on my part and said a lot of time had to be for medical and it sucked.  Am I not allowed to have a day off?  I guess not.   She used my credit card the week that I had a week off for filing and never let me know why she did it and didn't leave any details as to what file it was for so I had to spend extra time looking up files to pay my card.  She kicked up a fuss about some of us being off at the same time and has had no problem taking time off. I had to give up a day because she was out of the country again.  Sigh.  

When I suggested we take notes for our calls, she also said No, that's not a good idea.  Then Regina said the same thing but different wording.  The diva perked up and said that's a great idea!

Once again, she's a bitch.

In all of that social media bragging, I don't see one female friend. I would think that she would have a girls group and talk about female empowerment.  No, it's just her wearing filter lip syncing to songs nobody cares about and working on her "followers".  Sigh.  She's doing it during work hours too.  It's apparent she wants to be the center of attention.  She wants everyone to recognize her and only her.  

I can't trust her.  She's a back stabber.  Today, she did ask me about something I did two years ago with my old group.  Our higher up wanted us to work together. I thought are you kidding me?  So she can finish the job and throw another knife at me?  No thanks.  There wasn't much I could say but I answered her questions and it was something that would involve making phone calls to make sure we had the right forms.  I told her to let me know if she'd like me to help her walk through it.

I knew she wouldn't call me and I'm ok with it.  It probably irritated her because a higher up told her that she should contact me about it.  

She dragged me down and threw a dagger at me on my day off.  When I had my crying moment a couple of months ago and she reached out, she was a little wary of approaching me but I was nice about it and said I had a bad day.  I didn't feel supported for the most part.  That's why I cried.  I felt beat up and tired.  There's some nice ones I deal with but they're in the same position as me.  Just drowning and I thought the diva helps with that.  She treats me terribly and it had an affect on me. It wasn't just her.  It was the lurker, Regina.  You'd think maybe someone like the diva would take that as a note that maybe she should be kinder to me.  No, she's a bitch.  She's just a bitch.  

Yeah, the angry part of my brain wants to slap the Kylie Jenner filter off her face into New Zealand.  I hope she gets massive diarrhea on her next big trip.