Mixed Bag of Holiday Feelings

One more day and I'll be off until January 5th.  Wow.  Weird to have this time off and so grateful.  Maybe I should have tried to ask off years ago and see what would have happened.  It would have been no.  I don't know.  It just seems like I was always and probably still am in last place for things.

My cousin has had a phone that's not working.  Her cell phone is working but she told my mom two weeks ago that her landline wasn't working.  She's also talked about having so many minutes on her phone.  I sent her a text and asked if her phone was working on Sunday.  She had sent my mom an email saying it would be until after the holidays.  Sigh.  She's lying.  I'm not mad that she's lying.  She did respond to me the next day with a "No" on her phone not working.  My mom feels a little relieved for the break.  It isn't that she minds talking to my cousin but she gets tired easy and judging from the conversations they've had, I'd be tired too.  She does go down the rabbit hole for finding the worst news possible.  I have to correct what she says when my mom asks me about something.

I feel bad that she's doing this, maybe a little worried and a little bit pissed off if she's being dramatic.  I know she can't help it in some respect.  We are getting her a little something for Christmas like we have in the past.  I don't know what would make her happy.  She rants and raves about how people voted and yet, she didn't vote.  I've offered suggestions on her concerns about benefits but she comes up with excuses for my mom when she makes them.  I hope she's ok.  I am a little concerned.  I'm hoping I'm just annoyed and that this is just a stunt she's pulling.  I get how hard this time of year is.

I know she kind of expected that we would offer her a place to stay if her benefits got cut.  In one of my mom's panic moments, she asked about it and I said we just can't.  I said if she moved her, she would have to sell her house and sell my aunt's antiques and that money would have go towards an apartment for three people with a dog and a cat.  I can't support her.  I can't support myself barely.  When we almost didn't have a place to live, she never offered her house.  I can work anywhere and I don't want to live in that part of the state.  I'm just so frustrated with her and feel so kind of crappy if she is not doing well. I know she can't help it.  There's only so much we can do on our end.  

I thought the lurker had a moment of humanity when she reached out to me during the meeting that upset me.  It was a business report that showed my area being behind.  I had spent the whole year being the area that was behind and struggling, I just fell apart.  Lucky me.  I did it on screen and in front of others. I was ok but the lurker was sending me messages like are you ok?  You know nobody is blaming you.  At the time I thought it was nice she was reaching out.  Now I think were you panicked because you're responsible for some of this stress?

A few days later, Regina asked a question and I answered it the best I could in our group chat.  It was the response of the lurker that reminded me, she can't be trusted. It was another I don't think that's correct and these are the reasons why.  First up, it was a suggestion because I had never done this before and it was in my area.  Or former area.  It was a condescending response that let me know I'm an idiot.  Well duh, didn't we know that already?  Sigh.

I just want to take things easy when I have time off.  My hip was hurting me last night.  It felt like sciatica related.  I just don't want to stress about anything.  My goal for next year is to take better care of me because I'm falling to pieces half the time.  

One more day of the nonsense.  

I hope the good humans have a good day.