A Butterfly Kind of Morning

I saw a butterfly on my walk this morning.  It was really pretty.  I seem to see more of them lately.  I got a picture of it without ducking from the bees.  

I don't hate bees but I got a bee sting in the sixth grade that hurt.  I got stung during my crossing guard duty.  Yep.  I was a bad ass crossing guard back in the day.  I protected all grades on my watch during lunch hour.  I was a regular Paul Blart with my green winter jacket and orange crossing guard sash, crying like a little bitch on the corner of 6th and Milwaukee because a bee stung me.  I love nature.  Nature doesn't love me.

Well yeah, I'm feeling a little less grouchy about someone.  I have been having pangs and I feel guilty but sometimes I got to spill it out because it's hard some days.  There was a lot that happened over the years and it's a better situation, but still.  Some things just hit you hard when you least expect it.

It runs into a recurring theme of my life.  I'm tired of the "I don't want to deal with it" crowd.  Maybe having had an illness makes me more irritated when I hear it.  When we were in the office, Lorna informed us that she had to leave early for a dental appointment and her husband was meeting her. She couldn't handle her cleaning appointments so he was going along.

Cleaning appointment?  Are you kidding???  I kind of get it with a crown or other dental work.  I worry because I think they'll find something and then I got a bill to deal with.  I can deal with the pain.  The bill?  Eh, not so much.  

I got a lot of "I don't know how you deal with a cancer diagnosis with no husband.  I wouldn't know what to do."  Sigh.  You get a prescription for xanax to prepare yourself to listen to stupid comments like that.  

I used to deal with the ugly dictation when I started years ago.  I knew people were skipping over stuff.  It wasn't a surprise.  If I did it?  Oh, would I get called out for it.  I am dealing with it in a different way now.  People have admitted that I deal with the difficult stuff and they don't know how I deal with it.

By myself.  That's how I deal with it.  By myself. I have no support.  It's a barrel of laughs.  

I know what will be said when I return.  Ohhhh, we missed you!  No, you didn't.  You had to be responsible and do something difficult you lazy clown.  

It was a nice feeling to fill up my gas tank today with the scratch off ticket I got.

I've never been spoiled.  I have never had anyone spoil me.  I spoil others and most usually turn out rotten.  Looking at you Harold and college ex. 

I am guilty of spoiling myself.  I got the credit card receipts to prove it, unfortunately.  That's what depressed people like me did in the past.  Indulge in stupid shopping.  

I'd like to be able to have more support.  I would like someone to help me with a task . I would like a shoulder to lean on.

I can't take doing the hard stuff sometimes. I'm overwhelmed and this week has been a week to take time.  Enjoy nature.  Get more walking in and enjoy my books on Audible.   

And enjoy the butterflies.  


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