Sunday Interlude

It's kind of a wishful thinking moment I had this morning.  Or is it manifesting?  I'm not sure.  I don't know what life has in store for me romantically but if the universe has plans for me?  I have some wishes to go along with it.

I thought about this person and what they would be like.  Well they definitely wouldn't have a stupid striped Where's Waldo shirt like Alex Lasry.  Would he have fashion misses?  Yeah and that's ok.  He can tease me about my Fetterman hoodies.  Fashion style is not a requirement.  I kind of like the plaid shirts on a guy.

Definitely more grey hair than me would be wonderful.  I'm totally ok with that.  I would have said even years ago grey was more acceptable than long hair.  And well who did I wind up with for years?  A long haired weirdo.  Now I recoil in horror when I see a damn pony tail on a man.  I had a classmate who was a little grey in our senior year.  It looked nice on him.  This person would be ok with my grey hair and may encourage me to let it go more. 

Until he sees Camille.  My other alter ego.  I call her Camille after my hair gets colored.  I'm ok that I'm getting older and I see more grey coming in faster, but I got to admit, it's a bit of a confidence boost when I do get it colored.  I become Camille.  And he likes that alter ego, but he also likes me a lot more.

He's someone in decent shape.  Maybe he's got a bit of a stomach from a few late nights with beer and pizza, but he's maybe more mindful where he can be encouraging with me.  Weight isn't an issue for me on someone else and hopefully it wouldn't be a judgment issue for me.  I'd like someone that sees the bigger picture on health and not make the passive aggressive comments I've experienced in the past.  

We don't see the things that we're insecure about growing older as a bad thing.  It's something we can laugh about and make light because there's something deeper between us.  It makes Camille and myself find that very sexy as time goes on.

We're good about communicating with each other.  He might have days where it's hard but he may send a cat or dog meme because he knows I love a meme!  It's his way of saying I may be tied up with things but you crossed my mind and I want your day better.  

When I got diagnosed 10 years ago, I thought nobody is ever going to look at me the same again.  They're going to look at me as a cancer patient.  A cancer survivor.  I'm going to get looked at as untouchable or damaged.  It doesn't matter about you on a physical level.  That's not what I'm talking about.  There's always this feeling that some people who have and wondered if you're going to die soon. 

I would really like this person to look at me as a vulnerable woman who's been through a lot and not someone who had cancer.


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