Self Loathing and Forgiving

Yesterday was an awful day for me.  It was a day that all the negative feelings I had about myself circulated in my head.  It was perfect for a rainy and dark day.  It passed.

I don't like days like that.  It happened when I got the official notification about the costly error I made.  It was in my record now.  It was staring at me in the face.  It was something that might just prevent me from getting a raise next year.  I wouldn't blame them if they felt I should be passed.  This was awful.

All I could think all day was I hate myself.  I just hate myself.  I threw in an f word when I would say that in my head.  I thought I can't even do anything right.  I'm hanging by a thread the last 2 months wondering where I'm going to live.  Maybe for a few weeks, wondering how healthy I'll be if I have to pack up and move to a new place.

My mom had asked if I would exchange the new air fryer we got at Kohl's.  By the end of the day, I was tearful and sputtering things like I can't do anything right.  I'm going to be fired.  This is on my record.  She didn't want me to go out in the rain but I did.  It wasn't because I was being a drama queen at the moment.  I need to step away from everything.

I cried while I drove over to Kohl's. I thought about all the rotten news stories that was going on about Joe Biden's cancer diagnosis.  There was a cartoon I saw that broke my heart.  I was just hurting so bad.  It was just a really bad day for me emotionally.  

When I exchanged the air fryer, it got better.  The clerks at the store couldn't have been nicer.  It was still raining when I left.  I still felt a little tearful.  My stomach was a little upset.  I thought maybe my body wasn't used to me trying to put extra vegetables in it.  I stopped at Metro Market in our area and got a donut.  It's not the greatest idea, but it seemed to help with my stomach.  Does that make sense?  It didn't make sense to me.  I got garbage bags and went home.  

My mom and I talked about how it's been.  We said our goodbyes to the landlord but we have a feeling we'll see him tomorrow because it's the closing.  Or maybe not.  The sign is still out here.  Today the roofers or someone else came back to fix stuff alongside the house.   I suspect he flunked part of the final inspection.  Good.  I don't think he expected things to be more complicated for him.  Welcome to our world.

It was awkward when we said goodbye.  He apologized for the monster and I asked him if he was going to be his farmhand.  He thought that was funny.  I was kind of serious.  I think he let greed get the best of him and he wound up hurting two loyal people.  I think he's aware but I don't think if it's a lesson he'll learn in the future.

Yesterday the diva messaged me and apologized about a mistake that I wound up fixing.  Actually that apology was owed to someone else.  She admitted being overwhelmed and I said it's happened to me.  I didn't go into the details about my error but I'm going to guess her and the lurker found out.

Is it a big deal that the lurker and diva found out?  No.  I knew they'd dig once I said something.  Today, the diva tried to point out something that I did.  Actually let me put out what I thought she did.  She tried to throw a comment out there that made me look bad in our group chat.  I knew she did this on purpose because she told me that she did things like that on purpose to others.  Did ya remember that, diva?  I looked at what she was referring to and I really had no idea what she was talking about.

I knew what she was doing.  If you throw something false out into the universe, people might believe it.  That wasn't going to happen.

I don't think she expected me to pull her comment down in my response to correct her and ask for clarification.  I got a oops, so sorry. 

No.  She wasn't sorry.  She meant to do it.  News flash.  I'm done and tired of that.  Don't lie about me.   Don't lie about me in front of others.

I spent some of my time this morning with another new individual.  Been here longer than the diva.  Quiet, introspective, interesting and very detailed with their questions.  I felt better spending time with this person.  I'll refer to this individual as the thinker.  They did something nice that made me feel better.

The thinker had been in meetings with others about wishes and things that they wish would change.  One group wished that I would work with them.  They shared their dislikes and frustrations with others but had shared their appreciation for the work that I do.

I'm human.  I have fallen so many times.  It's not always easy getting myself back up.

I'd like to thank the thinker for reminding me I'll be ok.