Discipline

I'm my own worst critic.  I am too hard on myself.  That is who I am.  

I was told the worst things about myself over the years and it rings in my head.  You're nothing.  You're a loser.  You won't amount to anything.  

No, I'm not any of those things.  I know that.  I am someone.  I am someone who got damaged and I struggle with the damage and remind myself that I need to give myself grace.

I think about our admin's day next week. I thought I don't want anything. I just want to keep working. I don't need a gift card.  I don't want to get lunch on the company dime.  Right now, I feel like a hypocrite to celebrate when I made a super critical mistake.  It was a mistake that cost a significant amount of money.  It was a mistake that embarrassed someone.  It was a mistake that had to prompt an uncomfortable conversation with me.  I don't feel like I should go get tacos.  Just saying.

I know I work hard. I know I do my best but my best slipped.  I'm more concerned about moving forward and getting past this.  I am more concerned that this doesn't happen again.  I'm more concerned that people trust me and have confidence in me again.  I don't trust me and I don't have a lot of confidence in me at the moment.  I just know the time will pass when it might not feel like a punch in the face.

I actually held myself together until after my sister and brother in-law left. I did cry at one point before they got here and then when I went for a walk I felt ok.  I took my time with things.  I didn't worry about getting things done. I worried about getting it done correctly.  I think that's part of the problem.  There's a counting system that makes people step on each other.  It makes me worried that I'm being looked at as not doing enough.  When they left last night, I broke down with my mom and apologized for her having to worry about me getting fired.  She said the only one that's mad at me is me.  I don't know if that's true, but I get her point. I suspect there's at least one other person and it's not the one who talked to me.  I think they understood and hated being in that position and I am sorry she got put in that position.

On a lighter note, our landlord had to come back with a roofing contractor yesterday.  I asked my mom if she would be standing outside yelling jump if he was on the roof.  We suspect that the inspection and appraiser pointed out flaws and hold him accountable.  My brother in-law could see the dried up dog poop.  That's shameful that he only did half.  Disgusting.

Well over 10 years ago, I had Betsy yell in my face about my mess up.  It was something that could have cost money.  She had told my manager who sent me a curt message.  It broke me at that time.  I thought I'm done.  I'm just done and I don't know what to do.  I went to the mentor and cried that I might need a job reference.  Betsy saw me crying and wouldn't talk to me for a few days.  She then later told me that I scared her because she saw me crying and she figured I would yell at her.

That is just a stupid comment.  I had been picked apart and picked at for months thanks to her.  There was a point where I broke and that happens.  I went to lunch early that day and pulled myself together.  I came back and worked in the afternoon the best I could and when I told Betsy I had to leave early, she wouldn't look at me and she wouldn't acknowledge me.

That was a low moment for me and I'm thankful there was no Betsy around this time.  That's probably why I asked that question about my status.  Is this it for me?  I had health insecurity, a living situation insecurity, was this next?

It does feel like this at the moment and it's an uneasy feeling.  I have to trudge along and make it better.