Being Good to yourself

I went for a haircut yesterday and the student was insistent that she curl my hair.  She was a beginner and her instructor more or less finished my haircut.  There was nothing wrong with that.  They're practicing and it took longer than I expected.  She was insistent about curling my hair.  I thought why not?  I was a little worried about time because of the parking meter.  I should have set it for 2 hours where I think I had it for 1 hour 45 minutes. I barely made it.

I think she felt like she had to do something because her instructor finished my hair cut so I said yeah, that's fine. I looked at what she did and thought, why do I look like a really fair haired and even paler version of Fran Lebovitz?  I like Fran.  She's hilarious and sardonic.  I don't want to be her twin.  I felt tired and my age.  I don't see what other people see. I acknowledge that.  I smiled and said it looks great.  I wanted to get out.  I did give a few dollars for her education fund and went on my way.

I fixed my hair when I got into my car.  She had pulled it back from my face and I felt better when I had bangs.  Having curls is a new thing.  Actually it looks like a wave.  I used to have a curling iron from years ago but I hated all of those damn perms I had for years. I'm ok with straight boring hair.  That's me.  I saw that there was nothing wrong with the curls.  I hate the mirrors at the school.  I really hated them at Neroli.  Everything seems so magnified.  That includes my insecurities so that added to it.  Obviously I'm not dressed to the nines when I go for a hair appointment. I know I may have things spilled on me at the school or get the stray hairs that fall on me during a hair cut so I definitely have "play" clothes on when I go for an appointment.  If I was going out for the night and dressed up, the curls might have seemed more fitting.  She did do a nice job at curling my hair.  It's not what she did.  It's really about me and my own insecurities.

Yesterday, I had done something I hadn't done in a long time.  I ordered make up.  Gasp!  I know. I don't hate make-up.  I got tired of dealing with it after Covid.  I ordered this balm that Bobbie Brown sells for older ladies, if you want to put it in that sense to maybe give me a little glow.  I realize I'm not going anywhere or doing anything, but I would like to feel a little bit better about myself.  Especially after yesterday.

Weight gain doesn't help and if I said it out loud, I would hear you don't look like you weigh that much!  Well thanks and it's not about a pair of skinny jeans.  It's about fitting into jeans.  Keep your comments to yourself people when someone opens up about those things.  Yeah.  That's a whole other blog post.  I ordered another kettle bell weight to help me with more weight training.  

I did end my Weight Watchers subscription.  I have lost a few pounds and I did download another app to track food.  Their plan changed and I don't know if it was a good thing. I swear anytime I scanned the bar code, I'd think 7 points for this?  That doesn't seem right.  I agree keeping track keeps you in check but I felt like I didn't know what I could eat anymore at some point.  I have been weighing myself every week and despite the chaos of Am I going to move or stay, I have lost a tiny bit.  I hope this summer helps out move that needle down more.  

I don't think I'm ugly.  I don't see what others see.  I'm like wait what?  You think I am beautiful?  Should I buy you something for that compliment?  Eye glasses, maybe?  I got beat down a lot by cruelty and I think well, I got a sparkling personality and I'm good at helping other people pick out shoes to go with their outfit. 

I do see a nice person when I look in the mirror.  I do see someone who would never want to hurt anyone.  I do see someone that's kind and thoughtful.  And mindful.  

I also see damage.  That's where I'm like where do you see this beautiful person?  All I see is a car crash.

So yeah, I know I'm a work in progress.