The Thing I can't Talk about but would have liked to have talked about it

There's one thing I've never really been able to talk about without someone inserting their advice and making me feel bad.

Sometimes I feel sad that I never had a baby.  I wanted to be a mom when I was younger.  I wanted to have a sweet little girl that I could love and nurture.  I would have loved to have a little boy who was kind and thoughtful.  I wanted to be a mom.  I wanted a husband who was a good dad and just a good teammate who was there for me in life.  I wanted a family of my own when I was younger.

Guess what I would hear if I would admit that out loud?  Having kids isn't everything.  You're better off alone.  It's not what you think it is.  It's not all that.  You had your chance.  Maybe it's your fault.  Well, maybe it is.  Jerks. 

Oh my god.  I'm living the life of Carrie Bradshaw over here.  F off people.  I know life is hard.  Can I have that moment of wishing that sometimes life would have been different for me?   Geezus, everyone and their opinions made me crazy.  It wouldn't have shocked me if someone said that if you had kids, you wouldn't have wound up with cancer.  People are that wonderful. 

No, I'm ok that I didn't become a mom.  I made my peace with it.  I have my moments and get a little sad, but it's ok.  Life had a different plan for me.  

Would I be ok with being a step-mom if I met someone that was great?  Yeah. I would.  I also understand something I learned from my step-dad. Boundaries.  I'd never step in and take over as someone's mom.  I'm not that person.  It would be something really welcome in my life if there was a younger person or kid that didn't think I was so bad.  

I kind of worried maybe I went overboard with my Easter package for Charlotte.  It's hard when you're the childless cat lady.  You want to do more for your niece or her little girl or your nephew.  I think I don't want to offend their parents or parent.  I want to be the good auntie, but I want to respect the parents.  Boundaries.  

I worried last night because I thought maybe I overindulged in gifts and it was too much.  When I saw the pictures of Charlotte with her book and Target gift card and bunny ears, it made me smile.  Amazing how a picture can make you happy.

Harold had admitted to me that he kind of used me because I was such an affectionate person.  Kind of used me, hunh?  Jackass.  Did I want to have a child with someone that was sad he didn't make it in rock n' roll?  No.  I guess I understood the assignment of what children should have and not having an idiot father should be one thing.

We had a woman that would come into our office who helped get the mail together and sent out.  She was nice to talk and she told me how she had only been married a few years.  It was someone she knew from high school.  They ran into each other at a store and they were married within a few months.  She loved his step-kids who were older and she couldn't have been happier.  She had kind of a sad life.  I think I can relate to that part.  Her life wasn't a normal path and it was really nice to hear that her story had different but happy twist to it.

Yeah. I do have days where I feel a little sad that I was never a mom.  Then I hear someone scream bloody murder in the cereal aisle and realize I'm good.   It's ok to admit it.  It's ok to admit that sometimes you want to leave that kid in the cereal aisle.

We're all human.  Let us feel our feelings.